


Waiting for the Moon to Rise

by Supreme_Thunder



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Domestic SouMako, Jealousy, M/M, Relationship Issues, Smut, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-02-13 20:09:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 56,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2163594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supreme_Thunder/pseuds/Supreme_Thunder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sousuke is shot on duty, working as a cop with Rin in Iwatobi, which leads Makoto to reconsider exactly how much the teal-eyed, distant man means to him. As Makoto tries to be honest with himself about how important Sousuke is to him, he revisits their painful history, which he has so carefully wrapped up and set aside for so many years. Will it be enough for him to let Sousuke back into his life before it's too late?<br/>The title is from a Belle and Sebastian song of the same name (if you've read anything else by me, you know this is a theme with me, and if you haven't guessed yet, yes I'm a huge B&S fan).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Waiting for the Moon to Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now a new day comes  
> Clears the darkness out of sight  
> And the shadows that were sleeping  
> Come and dance beneath the light...
> 
> Waiting for the Moon to Rise- Belle and Sebastian

It’s two in the morning.

Makoto Tachibana is asleep in his bed, face down, still wearing his glasses, clutching the book he was reading before he dozed off.

The phone rings persistently.

He knows he has to answer it. He doesn’t want to, but he has to.

He reaches out for the receiver.

“Hello?”

The voice on the other end is broken, almost hysterical.

“Rin? Rin, what’s wrong?”

“Mako…Makoto, I need you to come down here. Now.”

“Come down where? Rin, is everything okay? Is Haru okay? Are the kids okay? What’s wrong?”

Makoto goes numb, imagining any number of things that can go wrong, that can take his friends away from him.

“It’s not Haru, Mako…just…”

Rin’s voice is cut off, and another takes its place, stoic and calm.

“Makoto? This is Haru. Please, I need you to get down here and look after the kids. It’s Sousuke. He’s in the hospital.”

Makoto cannot help but sigh in momentary relief. The way Rin sounded, Makoto was sure something had happened to Haru or one of their three children. As soon as he’s let this relief sweep over his body, a wave of guilt and sadness replaces it, almost drowning him in its wake.

Those harsh teal eyes seem to look at him questioningly through the dark corners of his lightless room. _Don’t you even care that much, Tachibana? I might be dying…_

His heart bitter with an unknown ache, Makoto quickly scrambles around for his keys and leaves his apartment, hoping everything is fine. When he reaches Haru’s old house, walking up the stairs under the light of a half-moon, he sees see every little window streaming light- a tapestry of golden beacons reflected on the billowing waves below.

After they finished university, Haru and Rin decided to return to the small house by the sea where they had started their relationship, to raise a family together. Rin’s work with the local police and Haru’s job as sous-chef at a prominent seafood restaurant kept them both busy, so Makoto was often asked to babysit. His own job was demanding but not very time-consuming; working as an archivist of nautical history at the Iwatobi library, as well as a volunteer fireman- and he was happy to give the three adorable tykes all the time he could spare.

As he walks up to the door, he sees a red-eyed Rin standing there, ready to leave. Haru is right behind him with an overnight bag. Looking at the two of them, Makoto knows instantly that in his state Rin cannot be left alone. Rin has never been emotionally stable, and they all know how much Sousuke means to him, though Makoto has trouble understanding the attachment. He has always seen Sousuke as this stony, distant figure, always sneering in the background, always refusing to step out of the shadows he keeps himself wrapped up in. Anyhow, in a situation such as this, they’re all more worried about Rin than they are about Sousuke, and once again Makoto finds himself awash with guilt. The same unknown ache takes over his body again, makes his limbs so heavy he can barely make it inside the house without collapsing on himself.

Ushering Rin and Haru out the door with warm hugs and encouraging smiles, Makoto checks in on the sleeping children. Making sure they’re dreaming peacefully, he fixes himself a cup of coffee and drops down on the living room couch, preparing himself for whatever comes next.

As he fights off the demons of sleep, his mind betrays him, and he’s back to the Saturday night last month, sitting on this same couch, a little stiffly, next to Sousuke. Lately, Sousuke had made a habit of coming home with Rin after their shift ended, especially on nights when Makoto was over. How Makoto was starting to feel uncomfortable under the sharp glint of those cold eyes. And on that particular night, the last time he'd seen Sousuke, how he constantly sensed Sousuke trying to catch glimpses of him from the corner of his eye- that impenetrable teal gaze trying to meet the soft green one. How there had been an unexpected jump scare in what was supposedly a kids’ film, and Makoto had sprung back, clutching Sousuke’s shirt sleeve. How Sousuke’s whole body went rigid next to him at this contact, his eyes lingering on Makoto long afterwards. And when they were outside the door, having said goodbye to their friends, Sousuke had asked him out, stammering, looking anywhere but at Makoto’s face. And how Makoto had said no. A little too quickly, a little too firmly. The way Sousuke’s shoulders slumped as he walked off to his car without a word, smiling dejectedly, the same opaque gaze lingering on Makoto’s face like a desperate plea for reconsideration, before moving off to contemplate the moonlit ocean.

_This is what I feared, if I started going out with him, if I let him in, isn't it? Something like this? But it’s happened anyway, and what am I supposed to do about it now? Is it supposed to hurt? Should it? Should I shed a tear for him, the man I tossed aside without any explanation, without giving him a second chance? What do I owe him…_

With these doubts and question swirling about in his head, Makoto falls asleep on the couch. The sun rising in the distance, on the horizon where sky and sea meet and merge into one another, shines a gentle light on Makoto’s pained face through the sheer curtains, through the window facing the vast expanse of water. A beginning of something, an unexpected chapter in a story as old as the lingering depths of the sunless sea itself. Still asleep, Makoto smiles.

 

 

 

 


	2. I Could Never Make Him Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This unrequited love  
> To me it's nothing but  
> A one-man cult  
> And cyanide in my Styrofoam cup  
> I could never make him love me  
> Never make him love me
> 
> Bad Religion- Frank Ocean

Makoto is woken in the morning by Ryu and Midori jumping on him, while an exasperated Shinji tries to pull his bratty little brother and sister off their precious uncle Mako. As the oldest of the three siblings, Shinji takes his responsibilities very seriously. Before they left last night, his dads woke him for a brief minute or two to explain what had happened. His younger siblings, not expecting to wake up to Uncle Mako sprawled on the couch and a house free of parents, consider it an unexpected holiday of some sort. Shinji has wisely decided against telling them about Uncle Sou, because he doesn’t want to worry them. The fear that gnaws at is brain is less for Sousuke than for Rin. _What if it had been his father instead? What if Rin never made it back home last night? What then?_

Coming to his senses, Makoto takes one look at the clock and goes into full panic mode. Rushing the kids to put on their school uniforms, and hurriedly making pancakes for what Haru would deem a very unhealthy breakfast, he ushers them into his car and drives them to school before going to work at the library himself. The whole day, he is distracted, texting Nagisa and Haru for updates. He sees right through their seemingly hopeful words. If Sousuke had stabilized, there wouldn’t be any need for him to pick up the kids from school. Haru would be able to leave Rin then, and do it himself. But at around 1 pm, Haru calls him and asks him to drive to their school and take them home. His voice is so tired, so hollow, that Makoto feels his spine freezing with the coldest of dreads. He cannot bring himself to ask what he needs to know. 

_And I spent all that time erasing you from my life. What a waste…_

He decides to distract the kids and himself by driving down to the beach and buying them lunch. With packets of sizzling shrimp tempura bought from a small stall and drinks procured from a vending machine, Makoto and the kids settle down on the sand to enjoy their food. Midori finishes first and rushes off towards the water. She is already halfway in, truly Haru’s daughter, before Makoto lifts her and places her back on the sand with a look that suggests that he means business. Midori and Ryu start building a sandcastle instead. Sitting next to Makoto, trying as hard to act like an adult as he can, Shinji quietly reaches out for Makoto’s hand. Makoto realizes that the boy is trembling, and holds him close without a word, instinctively knowing what he must be feeling, that he must be rife with fear for Rin, for Sousuke. Suddenly, the anxiety, the pain, the sorrow he has been holding onto since last night breaks through his defenses, and he finds his eyes blurring with tears. He takes out his phone and calls Nagisa.

_I should have known, however strong I get, whatever I choose to believe, you will always be the one thing I cannot change…_

“Makoto? Are you at the hospital?”

“No, no. I took the kids to the beach.”

“I see.”

“Nagisa, how is he?”

“Rei is with them at the hospital. Apparently he needs a second surgery. They missed a few pieces of shrapnel on the first go. Makoto, he might not make it.”

“Oh…”

“Makoto, can I say something?”

“Sure.”

“You should stay with him tonight. Rin’s exhausted and Haru won’t leave his husband, you know that. Rei thinks a break would be good for them. And I can take over from you in the morning…”

_If he’s still alive…_

They both hear the dreadful words without either one having said them.

“Yes. Okay. Nagisa, I…”

“Makoto, this is not the time. Your friends need you. You can figure everything else out when Sousuke gets better.”

Silence on both ends. Shinji snuggles up to Makoto, half asleep.

“He _will_ get better Makoto.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

_I should have said yes. I should have let you back in, whatever the cost…_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For some reason, as they’d grown older, Nagisa and Makoto had become each other’s confidants when it came to boyfriends. For someone with an attention span as short as Nagisa’s, Makoto was surprised how he had never even mentioned anyone other than Rei. Of course, there had been a lot of uncertainty, a lot of arguments, a lot of heartbreak before Rei started looking at Nagisa the same way. And Makoto had been Nagisa’s shoulder to cry on through those difficult two years. Rei in Tokyo, and Nagisa in Kyoto. Rei refusing to attend Nagisa’s calls. Rei not visiting them during the holidays. Rumors of Rei’s girlfriend drifting back to Iwatobi during the summer through friends of friends. Nagisa falling asleep, drunk and exhausted from crying, at Makoto’s off-campus apartment. It was only during their third year, after Rin and Haru announced their relationship, that Rei had come running from Tokyo in a flurry of sudden realization, with every kind of chocolate he could carry, burying his head in Nagisa’s lap, saying sorry over and over again, that the two had finally gotten together.

Makoto’s own romantic life had been sparse and erratic. He formed multiple fleeting attractions for various men in his life, but nothing grew into anything even close to a relationship. Nagisa often tried to get Makoto to admit that it was because he had unresolved feelings for someone he already knew, but Makoto would never concede. He knew Nagisa was thinking of Haru. But he had never thought of Haru that way.

_It’s always been you…_

Driving the kids back to their house, Makoto finds himself remembering his last year at high school. The graduation party at the Samezuka dorm. Momo had gotten his hands on some vodka, and no one had been willing to touch it. Except Makoto. He had been so tired of being treated as Mr. Perfect that he wanted to do something stupid, something petulant for once.

The alcohol warming his blood, pooling comfortably in the pit of his stomach, he had actively cheered when Momo suggested a game of spin the bottle, hoping to get some action with Gou no doubt. But to his dismay, Gou sat the game out, preferring to watch from the top bunk for something interesting to unfold. And it had…

Every time Sousuke spun the bottle, it landed on Makoto. A couple of nervous pecks in front of their friends, and then the closet. Makoto had had finally allowed himself to act on feelings building up inside him for years, by kissing Sousuke full on the lips, finding his tongue, wrapping himself around the taller boy, getting in as deep as he could.

He still remembers the way Sousuke had pushed him away, so hard that he fell against the door and out of the closet. Amid the stunned silence pervading the room, Makoto had grabbed his jacket and run out, followed closely by a disgruntled Nagisa who had just witnessed what he considered a more than friendly kiss between Rei and Rin.

After that, Makoto had avoided Sousuke. Haru once called Makoto a dandelion, and Makoto had never fully understood that, not until he had to live every day of university pretending not to know Sousuke. Seeing the brooding boy walking around campus every day and forcing himself to look away without so much as a glance of acknowledgment- it had been hell for the first six months. But then Makoto learned how strong he could be, how capable of being alone and still okay. Drifting softly through life, fulfilling the wishes of everyone close enough to touch him, but coming back stronger despite that- maybe even because of that. Makoto learned self-sufficiency because of Sousuke, and he would not exchange that feeling for anything else in the world. Heartbreak fed his soul, armoured it in iron and steel, forged him a sword with which to face the world. He held on to that for dear life, and rewrote his past so that Sousuke was no longer in it. He had cleansed himself of that ridiculous infatuation. At least that’s what he’d thought until now, until it was Sousuke asking him out, so nervously, as if they were still 17, as if Makoto really had managed to wipe the slate blank, erased their history…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He keeps the children occupied at home with “Kiki’s Delivery Service”, his and Midori’s favorite film. Putting them to bed, telling them self-spun stories about cats, watching them drift off to sleep, Makoto cannot help but beam with a certain pride. He knows his godchildren would never be this much at home with anyone else who’s not a parent.

Once the children fall asleep, with nothing left to distract him, Makoto starts feeling the same weight on his soul as before. Just because he’s taught himself to live a life without the possibility of Sousuke in it doesn’t mean he is ready to lose sight of him altogether.

_Somewhere in the depths of my heart, I’ve sealed you up and locked you away forever. There’s no getting rid of you…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the second High Speed novel, Haru compares Makoto to a dandelion, thinking of how strong and resilient Makoto can be, even though his appearance suggests otherwise. I think it's the perfect metaphor for how complex Makoto is, and I have used it here because I couldn't shake it.


	3. Didn't Wanna Be Your Ghost...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You said it was not inside my heart, it was  
> You said it should tear a kid apart, it does
> 
> Didn't wanna be your ghost  
> Didn't wanna be anyone's ghost
> 
> But I don't want anybody else  
> I don't want anybody else...
> 
> Anyone's Ghost- The National

When Haru comes back at night, dragging an uncooperative Rin with him, Makoto has already dozed off on the living room couch in front of the TV, his coffee untouched.

“Rei says you’re watching him tonight?” Haru quietly asks him after nudging him awake.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Yes I am. How was Sousuke’s surgery? Is everything okay?”

“He’s out of danger for now. That’s the only reason I managed to drag Rin back home.”

Makoto looks visibly relieved, and leans his head back on the couch.

Haru looks at Makoto’s face curiously. He’s always had trouble understanding his best friend, and as the years have gone by, Makoto has only grown more cryptic to Haru. He reaches out and ruffles Makoto’s hair, hoping to close the gap between them a little, feeling like they’re 12 again- a voice inside him telling Haru that Makoto needs him again.

But instead of giving Haru that “it’s going to be fine” smile, tilting his head a little to the side, Makoto gets up quickly without acknowledging Haru's gesture. He sets out dinner for Haru and Rin, urging them to eat, touching nothing himself. Haru returns his attention to his tired, overwhelmed husband, and Makoto leaves for the hospital.

As he drifts to sleep next to Rin, Haru’s mind reaches back into the past, to the time where he and Makoto drifted apart, shifting off into lives so separate from each other’s that their boyhood connection was severed. Haru still loves Makoto with all his heart, as much as he loves Rin, almost as much as he loves his children, but he cannot feel Makoto’s heart anymore. They are strangers to each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I don’t really remember asking for your opinion about my shoulder, Tachibana, but here you are. Again.”

Makoto had just finished telling Rin about Sousuke’s shoulder injury, since Haru refused to say anything. Rin looked dumbfounded, Sousuke looked like he was ready to rip Makoto’s head off, injury or no injury.

“I…”

“You what? Don’t you have anyone else to follow around, wagging that tail of yours? Why can’t you just mind your own goddamn business?”

“Sousuke that is not the issue here right now, seriously.” Rin was bursting with anger and concern for his friend, while Haru stood in a corner looking distant, doing his best to remain uninvolved. Makoto went red from ear to ear, his eyes burning.

“You’re right. I have no business being here. I’ll see you at school tomorrow, Haru.” Makoto picked up his bag from the floor of Rin and Sousuke’s dorm room and left.

When no one tried to stop him as he walked out the door, the tears he’d been holding back rushed out with such ferocity that he had to run to the washroom to calm himself down. Washing his face in the sink, thankful that no one was around to look at him, Makoto walked towards the exit as fast as his feet could carry him.

“Tachibana! Wait up!” Sousuke’s voice startled Makoto. Instead of stopping, he ran ahead, wanting to escape what he was feeling.

The taller boy caught up to him just outside the exit and grabbed him by the elbow, turning him around so they were face to face.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I…Are you crying?”

Makoto looked at his feet, refusing to respond.

“I…I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” The words sounded more amused than apologetic, the coldness in them cut Makoto to his core.

“Why are you sorry? You just told it like it is. You're right, you should be no concern of mine. So I’m leaving. Just because Rin asked you to come after me, doesn’t mean you had to obey his command.” Makoto’s voice was shaking, his eyes still fixed on the ground.

Sousuke snorted, sounding disgusted at the way Makoto was standing in front of him, snivelling.

_A busybody and a coward, that’s what I am, and he knows it._ Makoto clenched his fists and forced himself to go numb.

“Yeah, whatever Tachibana. I don’t have time for this. For you.” Sousuke squared his shoulders, turned to leave.

“Did you ever really see me?” Makoto sounded like his heart had been ripped to shreds.

“Huh?” Sousuke stopped, his back still to Makoto.

“All those times at the club, at competitions, you always had something to say to Haru. I was there too. Always. Did you ever see me?”

“I saw Haruka and his pet. That’s all. Last time I checked, I’m not obliged to make conversations with people’s pets.”

Makoto didn’t answer.

Sousuke turned around. The green-eyed boy was already walking away. Sousuke didn’t try to stop him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Driving to the hospital, Makoto tries to focus on the task at hand. As far he knows, Sousuke still hasn’t come around after his surgery, so all he needs to do is sit by his side until Nagisa shows up in the morning.

_I’m doing this for Rin. He’s a friend of a friend. That’s all. He’ll sleep through the night, and I’ll pretend to read a book, staring at his face, trying not to cry…_

When Makoto arrives at the hospital, he runs into Rei. A smiling, relieved Rei. Makoto feels his heart lighten right away- the coldness leaves him.

“Makoto! Perfect timing!” Rei beams at him.

“Is he okay then? Is he going to be fine?”

“Yes. I just talked to the doctor. He has definitely stabilized. He’s awake now, and he can use some company. He’s refusing to eat anything though, so see if you can do anything about that, eh?”

Makoto just stares at Rei, his smile frozen in place.

_He’s awake…_

“Yes, I will Rei. Now off you go. Nagisa will be worried.”

Waving Rei off, Makoto steps into the still hospital room, his footsteps barely audible. Sousuke is looking towards the window, paler than ever. His forehead is sweaty, and his hair is sticking to it. Makoto draws closer to him, dreading the moment those teal eyes will turn around and find him. He fears losing his composure. He fears falling, all over again, and not being able to come back this time.

“Hey Sousuke.” Makoto’s words are nothing more than a whisper. For a second, Sousuke feels as if the wind has just called his name. But then the green eyes with their upturned eyebrows appear in front of him- the same tilted smile, the same unkempt hair. 

“You’re here. Rei said you would be. But…”

“Didn’t think I’d show, huh? Well Rin really needed a break, and Nagisa has trouble staying awake at night.”

“So there was no other choice but to for you to deal with the invalid, then?”

“If that’s how you want to see it.”

They look at each other in silence. Sousuke is smiling, thankful for whatever circumstances have sent Makoto to him at this moment in time.

As their gazes meet properly, after years of avoiding each other, they both feel adrift, at a loss for words.

_How stupid of me to think I could ever get rid of you…_


	4. The Things We Do, The Things We Must

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The smell of your sweat, just lures me in  
> Your heartbeat, does sing to me  
> Running feet, beats my blood  
> My ghost inside you, soon will be...
> 
> Vanished- Crystal Castles

Sousuke looks so frail that Makoto has to fight back the urge to hold him in his arms and rock him back to sleep like he would Shinji or Midori or Ryu. He tells himself it’s a natural reaction to watching someone you know hurt. He knows it’s more than that.

Sousuke asks for water, and Makoto has to hold him up, tilt the glass against his thin, dry lips while he drinks. His sweat is on Makoto’s forearm, he is burning up. Makoto takes a small towel from the side-table and wipes Sousuke’s mouth, then his forehead. Sousuke’s smile becomes more relaxed.

“Eat something, Sousuke.”

“Only if you’ll feed me.”

Makoto’s face turns red, but he manages to keep his hands from shaking.

“What would you like?” Makoto’s tone is warm but distant, taking care not to breach the walls of composure he’s put up between him and Sousuke.

“Your dick, probably.” Sousuke is giggling like a pre-teen. Blushing red all over (he’s sure even his toes are crimson by now), Makoto realizes that Sousuke is very much out of it, given the amount of pain medication he is on.

“Well, that’s not on the menu Sousuke. How about some chicken soup? Haru left some in a thermos, and it’s still nice and hot.”

“When will it be on the menu, Mako-chan?”

“What…” Makoto is too shocked to say much else after hearing himself referred to as "chan" in Sousuke's voice.

“Your dick.”

“If you don’t stop talking about um, my…, I will call a nurse and leave.”

“Okay, okay. Don’t go, don’t leave, I’ll be good.”

Makoto has never seen Sousuke like this. He suddenly understands why Sousuke always chose to smoke while the rest of them got drunk on nights out, getting together on summer night in Tokyo, when they were all on holiday from their respective universities. Smiling a little, trying not let his heart crack and release all the pain he’s been holding on to, he props Sousuke up against a couple of pillows and carefully feeds him soup, blowing on every spoonful.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was during the summer after finishing high school that Makoto went on a spree of disconnected relationships, none of which lasted more than a week. No one really knew what prompted this behavior in steady, dependable Tachibana- not even Haru. It was over just as soon as it began too. When university began, Makoto was back to being his demure self, having acquired a pair of  black square-framed glasses. A piercing in his left ear, and a Bashō haiku tattooed just above his hipbone a year later, a couple of leather bracelets always around his right wrist- these little things completed his transformation into the future archivist/godfather to his best friends’ children/amateur poet that he was always doomed to be. On weekends, he would enthusiastically play the role of swim coach at ITSC Returns. To all external appearances, Makoto was back to being normal after going through a phase of experimentation. No one knew he had spent all that time barricading himself, withdrawing so deep inside himself that it would take years before he trusted anyone again.

At the beginning of that summer, they had all converged in Tokyo. Rin had insisted on a night out, clubbing, drinking, just letting off steam. And Sousuke was there too; laughing at everyone’s jokes, chatting about anything and everything, sharing study tips for university with Rei, even clapping Haru on the back once for something or other. But through it all, he had pointedly ignored Makoto. Hadn’t even said hi, walked right past him, without so much as a sideways glance. Makoto had told himself it was all for the best, that he didn’t want to have to deal with Sousuke ever again anyway. But with each minute that went by, his heart sank more and more. He found himself staring at Sousuke, downing shot after shot of whiskey, screaming inside his head for the teal eyes to look his way, to smile at him like he was smiling at Aii- with such warmth and fondness.

It was only when Nagisa took pity on him and led him off to the dance floor to join the rest of their friends that Makoto decided to take matters into his own hands. He ended up drinking a bit too much, making out with a girl he danced with for most of the night, never really finding out her name or telling her his, and then crawled out into the street to throw up against a wall in an alley next to the club.

Sousuke had been standing there already, watching him puke, smoking a cigarette with a look of disgusted amusement on his face. Which was a pretty trademark expression for him when it came to Makoto.

Makoto had bristled with anger at Sousuke and at himself; at the pain of his stupid, unrequited love, and tried to walk up to Sousuke and punch him in the face. Of course, he only ended up collapsing against Sousuke’s chest. And before he knew it, Sousuke had pushed him against the wall, smirking, blowing smoke in his face, kissing his neck, kissing his collarbone, everywhere he could reach but Makoto’s mouth. Unbuckling his belt, Sousuke had reached out for Makoto’s cock, and in a few tugs, a few drunken groans, it was over. Sousuke had wiped his hand against Makoto’s shirt, lit another cigarette, and hailed a taxi back to his hotel.

Nagisa found him an hour later, slumped up against the wall, crying, his pants still unzipped, covered in vomit and his own cum. Before anyone else saw, Nagisa had taken him back to his hotel room, cleaned him up and put him to bed. Until he finally fell asleep, he had whimpered like a kicked puppy, crying and saying Sousuke’s name as if it was a curse he wanted to inflict on the universe for what it had done to him.

The next day when they met up for lunch at a ramen joint, Sousuke had continued pretending that Makoto was invisible to him. Unable to deal with the self-hatred and throbbing pain in his chest whenever he looked at Sousuke, Makoto had made an excuse and gone back to Iwatobi that night. The rest of his summer had been haphazard, trying to lose himself in the bodies of others, trying to change himself so he could rid himself of the shame of loving Sousuke and being treated like trash in return. The next time they ran into each other at the local campus they both attended, Makoto had returned the favor, and seen empty space where Sousuke was.

~~~~~~~~~~~

After Sousuke finishes the soup, Makoto wipes his lips with a tissue and sits by him.

“Read me something.” Sousuke demands in a voice heavy with sleep.

“What would you like to hear?”

“Something you wrote.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. Haru told me you write poems sometimes.”

“They’re shit. And he’s an ass for telling you something he was supposed to keep secret.”

“Come on, Mako please. I almost died you know.”

“Fine, fine. Okay, let’s see.”

He adjusts his glasses and starts reading the book he’s brought with him, picking up where he’s left off. Makoto’s voice is steady and measured as he reads the words out loud, being careful not to look up at Sousuke.

Lit up by the words, bathing in the warmth of the fact that he’s being read to by Makoto, having just been fed soup by Makoto, Sousuke sleeps.

**_“It feels good to think about you when I’m warm in bed. I feel as if you’re curled up there beside me, fast asleep. And I think how great it would be if it were true.”_ **

With a sigh, Makoto closes the book and puts it away. He pushes Sousuke’s hair back from his forehead. Before he can stop himself, he’s planted a soft kiss on the feverish, pale forehead. Sousuke’s lips twitch into a smile even as he sleeps.

“Mako…”

_When did you ever call me Mako? When did you start loving me? Why didn’t you love me when I loved you too?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Matsuo Bashō was a famous Japanese poet from the Edo era. Makoto develops an interest in poetry after he starts university. The haiku he has tattooed is this one:
> 
> First day of spring--  
> I keep thinking about  
> the end of autumn.
> 
> The translation is provided by Robert Hass. Makoto is obviously very sentimental, and full of angst, when he gets this tattoo.
> 
> *The book Makoto is reading to Sousuke is "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami. Makoto has developed a fondness for tragic love stories for obvious reasons.


	5. Break My Arms Around the One I Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were right about the end  
> It didn't make a difference  
> Everything I can remember   
> I remember wrong
> 
> How can anybody know   
> How they got to be this way
> 
> Daughters of the Soho Riots- The National

In the morning, he was woken up by Nagisa, fresh-faced and grinning quite openly.

“You’re off duty, Mako. Here's coffee and a bagel, and to work with you.”

“Hmmm. Yeah. Thanks Nagisa. You're the best.”

“Aren't I, though? How's Sousuke?”

“Fine. He had some soup and went to sleep.”

“He had soup?”

“Yup. Rei said to try and get him to eat something, so I did.”

“Just like that?”

“Yes...Why are you so puzzled over Sousuke having some soup?”

“Because according to Rei, he was refusing to eat anything at all. He sat next to Sousuke for an hour, holding out a spoon, but he wouldn’t open his mouth even a little. So yes, Mako, when you tell me that you managed to feed him without the least bit of resistance, I am very much puzzled.”

“I see.” Despite his best efforts, Makoto’s face relaxes into a telling smile.

“Did something happen between you two? After…?”

“After we had meaningless, mutually destructive sex in a back alley in Tokyo? And then again in college? Yes, it did.”

“And you didn’t think it was important enough to tell me, you devious little minx?”

“He asked me out, Nagisa. A week ago. And I said no. And then he almost died.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Does this mean you’re maybe rethinking how you feel about him? Maybe you’re still in love with him? After all, you did say you've been obsessed with him since you were both in middle school?”

“Obsessed? I have never used that word. Nagisa, you’re an ass. ” Even though Makoto is trying to sound annoyed, he cannot quite stop smiling, and Nagisa smirks back at him.

Suddenly Makoto tenses, gazing suspiciously at Nagisa.

"Why did you feel the need to reiterate my own history to me, Nagisa?" 

Nagisa only smirks a whole lot more, glancing behind Makoto, where Sousuke is supposed to be lying in bed, still asleep...

“Maybe you should repeat that Nagisa, because I think I missed the bit about Makoto being obsessed with me since middle school.” Sousuke’s voice is strained, but he sounds quite happy.

“Oh for crying out loud.” Makoto groans and rushes out of the room, covering his reddening face with both hands. He can hear Nagisa's laughter chasing him all the way to the exit.

_Now you know. Now you know what you mean to me. Despite everything I’ve done to keep you away, to keep you from finding out…_

~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a farewell party on campus during their final year at university. Egged on by his friends, emotionally blackmailed about it being their last time having fun together, Makoto had agreed to attend it.

And Sousuke had been there, mostly sitting on his own in a corner, dressed in a  pale green button-down shirt, refusing to drink as always. Their eyes had met accidentally across the room, and Makoto looked away instantly, ignoring Sousuke. But Sousuke did not follow suit this time. His eyes kept finding Makoto all night, over and over again. Makoto made sure to drink as little as possible, trying to remain in control, to stay strong against the unrelenting onslaught of that icy stare.

Much later, when Makoto thought the coast was clear, he had tried to run back to his dorm room on his own, thinking he would make his escape.

Sousuke was waiting outside, quietly smoking, staring at the moonlit sky.

Makoto felt his arm being grabbed, being pulled in, the teal eyes boring a hole through his green ones. He never really understood why he let Sousuke lead him back to his room by the hand. He didn’t resist when Sousuke ripped his t-shirt off and leaned in to kiss him. The only thing he thought he should control was how much of himself he’d allow Sousuke to have. So when the taller boy pressed down on Makoto with his thin lips, trembling with desire, he reached up a finger and placed it between them before Sousuke's tongue could find his mouth.

“No, Yamazaki. You don't get to do that.”

Sousuke had stared at him, blankly, with that searing look harboring anger and sadness and who knew what else, and moved on to kissing his neck, biting, even drawing a little blood. Makoto felt himself being pushed back on the bed, his pants and underwear forced off. He watched Sousuke undress himself in the dark room- the only light was that of the blue, hazy moon, shining in through the window, illuminating Sousuke’s bed. Naked and already hard, Sousuke had climbed on top of him, and once more tried to kiss his mouth, only to be refused again. He made for Makoto’s nipples instead, licking, taking them between his teeth one by one, making Makoto shiver and moan.

Makoto had almost come when Sousuke shoved his tongue inside his navel, caressing it slowly and deliberately, until Makoto was almost crying with pleasure, begging him to stop. He turned his attention to Makoto’s tattoo, tracing it with his fingers, kissing it.

And then his mouth found Makoto’s cock, licking pre-cum from the tip, tugging at the shaft with his hand. Sousuke shoved apart Makoto’s thighs and his tongue did the rest of the work. When he slid inside Makoto’s entrance, made slick by saliva, they were both so aroused that it took no more than a couple of thrusts. They both came at the same time, Sousuke calling out Makoto’s name over and over again. Makoto doing his best to bite Sousuke’s name back as it attempted to escape his traitorous lips, panting, gasping for air.

As soon as they were done, Makoto got up and dressed himself without looking at the dark-haired boy. Sousuke sat on the bed, staring at him wordlessly.

As Makoto turned to go, he saw the cold eyes shining in the moonlight, a lump in Sousuke’s throat, his hands uselessly clutching the sheets.

And then, “Can I keep this?” One of Makoto’s leather bracelets had come off while they were fucking.

“Help yourself. It’s no use to me.” Makoto made sure to look Sousuke right in the face and gave him the coldest smile he could manage.

After they graduated, he had rarely seen Sousuke. He eventually started dating one of Ren and Ran’s teachers, a man 10 years older than himself, inviting a lot of criticism from his friends, especially Haru. But Makoto knew something they didn’t. Nothing was permanent. Love faded if you tried hard enough. So why not take a chance on something that left you empty at the end of the day anyway? 

~~~~~~~~~~~

At work, Makoto cannot help but think of that night so many years ago. He still wonders if Sousuke has the bracelet. He still wonders what would have happened if he’d let Sousuke kiss him while they fucked, had let himself say Sousuke's name when he came.

When Haru calls him in the afternoon to see if he can stay with Sousuke another night, he agrees.

_I guess I still love you, then…_


	6. Yours is Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many miles from where I'm sleeping  
> You share laughter in the evening  
> As do I, in the great divine  
> Yours is mine
> 
> We'll find love  
> The kind we're dreaming of...
> 
> Pulling Our Weight- The Radio Dept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers the story from Sousuke's point of view.

Sousuke opens his eyes, and instantly closes them again. He thinks he’s dreaming. He has to be. Why else would _he_ be there? Hair tousled, lips slightly parted, sprawled uncomfortably on the standard-issue hospital couch by Sousuke’s bed, an open book upside down on his chest.

The sight of a sleeping Makoto is so overwhelming that for a good 20 minutes, Sousuke doesn’t even register the pain in his side. When the piercing ache overpowers him, he still doesn’t call for a nurse. That would wake Makoto up. And then Makoto would leave.

Hazy memories from last night return to him.

_Did I really talk about his dick?_

He goes red, remembering how Makoto fed him, read to him, kissed his forehead as he fell asleep.

As luck would have it, the nurse comes in to check up on him, and sees him smiling at the sleeping figure next to his bed. Having seen how sweetly Makoto has tended to Sousuke since the night before, she thinks she’s put two and two together.

“Don’t worry about your boyfriend. We won’t wake him, but you need your medication now, or that pain will get worse.”

Sousuke smiles at hearing Makoto referred to as his boyfriend. After the nurse leaves, he keeps looking at Makoto, hoping he’ll sleep longer. He wants to reach out to the man he loves, to run his fingers through Makoto’s hair, but his body won’t allow him to even sit up.

_I deserve this. For everything I’ve done to you, to myself. I’ve earned this._

~~~~~~~~~~~

Makoto Tachibana. That name had been a fire blazing at the edges of Sousuke’s life since middle school. Rin and Kisumi would bring him up a lot, talking about the mild-mannered boy with such love in their voices. And he was always there when Sousuke confronted Haru, after Rin had gone, leaving Sousuke behind with all that hurt, all that uncertainty. Despite knowing that Haru and Makoto had nothing to with Rin’s decisions-  to leave Sano, to move to Australia- Sousuke still couldn’t help but resent them.

Especially Makoto. At least Haruka returned his antagonism somewhat, making Sousuke feel like he could vent without feeling guilty about his misplaced anger.

But the other boy… With his upturned eyebrows, his persistent smile, concern for others always shining in those perfect jade eyes. Sousuke had no patience for him. Instead of dealing with the way Makoto made him feel, Sousuke had decided to ignore his existence. But the feelings just got stronger as they got older; what he thought about Makoto became more and more confusing as the years passed. Every time he laid eyes on Makoto, Sousuke couldn’t decide whether he wanted to strangle the boy or kiss him.

Repeatedly, Makoto had shown Sousuke his warmth, had reached out a hand for his friendship, but Sousuke kept pushing him away. Until that day at Samezuka. His sharp tongue, trying to shield the softness of his heart from the world, was always his undoing.

What had he really wanted to tell Makoto that day?

_Of course I saw you. I always see you. I see you whether I want to or not. Your eyes haunt me, and I can’t get my head straight when I’m around you._

What he’d actually ended up saying cost him more than his 17-year old self understood at the time. He’d decided Makoto was just a hindrance, a nuisance he didn’t want to be bothered with.

But when he’d seen Makoto dance with a strange girl in a Tokyo night-club that night, he understood that was all bullshit. Unable to stand the closeness of Makoto with anyone who wasn’t him, Sousuke had gone out, had waited. He wanted to be the one to see Makoto’s face contorted in intimate pleasure, so badly. But then…

His feelings had always scared him. When he saw Makoto like that, pushed up against a wall, his eyes scrunched up, his face flushed, his chest heaving, his soft voice moaning, his cum on Sousuke’s fingers…It was too much. Sousuke felt like he was drowning- what he felt for Makoto was so immense, so absolute. And of course, he had reacted by shutting himself off again. By the time he realized what the cost of his actions was, it had been too late. The beautiful, warm boy, his face an open-book, his smile always shining for whoever was in need of it- that boy closed up like a flower in winter.

The night he managed to take Makoto to bed in university, Sousuke thought he’d finally won, but he’d been wrong. He still had Makoto’s bracelet. It was his hope.

At Rin and Haru’s wedding, they’d both been best men. Makoto’s smile sliced through his heart- his cold eyes were too much to bear. And on top of all that, he’d brought that school teacher boyfriend of his with him. And Sousuke had rather unapologetically spilled a glass of wine on the unsuspecting man. Makoto had only smiled again- that cold meaningless smile he’d started using since the night in Tokyo. “Don’t worry, not a big deal. All we have to do is undress you a little early, huh?” The words were said to his boyfriend, but they were meant for Sousuke, were meant to cut him, and he knew it. He had stayed up all night, smoking cigarette after cigarette, torturing himself with images of Makoto with someone else.

But then, a week later, Nagisa had told them about Makoto’s breakup. Haru looked pleased, and got a scolding from Rin about it, but Sousuke couldn’t help sharing that joy. He decided then to take action, to ease himself back into Makoto’s heart. He started showing up at Rin and Haru’s house when he knew Makoto would also be there. He frequented the same coffee shop after work where Makoto liked to sit and read in the evening. He started making himself quietly omnipresent in Makoto’s world, hoping for the best.

And then there was that night. He was sure Makoto didn’t really remember it, but it had given him a delirious hope for their future. The summer festival last year. They all went- Makoto, Rin, Haru, and the kids. Only Nagisa and Rei were abroad, travelling in Europe. Afterwards, when the kids had been put to sleep at home, they all sat down in Haru’s immaculate kitchen for night caps. Makoto, who had been persistently avoiding Sousuke’s determined glare, kept drinking glass after glass of sake, until he was face down on the table. A very frowny Haru had shouted at the insensate form of his best friend but to no avail. Rin had laughingly dragged his husband off to bed, asking Sousuke to be so kind as to put Makoto to bed in the guest room before going home. Sousuke realized his attempt at getting Makoto to notice him must have been pretty obvious to Rin, because he winked at Sousuke before he left, mouthing “You owe me” behind Haru's back. 

Makoto had gotten a bit leaner over the years, and Sousuke had no trouble lifting him up and carrying him to the guest room. Putting him down, taking off his shoes and socks, his glasses, his pants, unbuttoning Makoto’s shirt…it was all Sousuke could do not to climb on top of Makoto and follow the silent but forceful demands his body was making on him. He leaned in to kiss Makoto’s mouth, thinking to savor the taste forbidden to him for so long. But it didn’t feel right. Makoto had to know. Makoto had to taste him back, had to return the hunger Sousuke felt for him. He ended up kissing Makoto’s neck, running his fingers through his soft, messy hair, putting his head against Makoto’s heart, listening to the resounding thump.

And with a soft groaning sound, Makoto’s arms had wrapped themselves around him.

“Sousuke-kun.”

Sousuke clung to Makoto as hard as he could, his eyes burning, his body shaking with sorrow and desire.

Until Haruka pulled him off.

Haru’s small stature made Sousuke forget how strong he could be.

“Out. Now.”

His head hanging, his cheeks red, Sousuke had been escorted out the door by a very glare-y Haur. But he knew after that night that his wild hope for somehow getting Makoto to love him again was not baseless. And that was enough. Rin had tried to talk to him about what happened afterwards, but Sousuke refused to be interrogated.

When he asked Makoto out, he knew what the answer would be. But he knew he had to try anyway. Whatever it took, he knew he had to use every possible opportunity to get Makoto to move past the heartbreak Sousuke had put them both through. He knew Makoto would say no. He knew he would ask again, and again, and again, until Makoto agreed, until he could hold Makoto in his arms, until he could kiss Makoto's lips…

It was supposed to be a normal patrol. The convenience store was located near the train station, and attracted out-of-towners and tourists. When they received the distress call, Rin and he both thought it was a minor disturbance. They didn’t go in prepared properly. And he was too distracted, he knew. He couldn’t get Makoto’s “No” out of his head. He kept imagining it into a “Yes”, kept creating fantasies in his head when he should have been paying attention to his job. It was an armed robbery. The backup wasn’t there yet. Rin being Rin, ran after the masked culprit, and Sousuke followed. When the shadowy figure pulled out a gun and aimed it at Rin, all those castles in the air fell to pieces around Sousuke. Without a second thought, he jumped, pushing his best friend out of the way. As the pain seared through his side like a bolt of lightning, the last thing he saw was a pair of jade eyes, a shock of light brown hair, and a tilted smile. Then darkness took him, and he was lost.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Nagisa gets there to relieve Makoto, the medication has turned Sousuke's mind into a smoky haze again. All he knows is he wants Makoto to stay with him, to never leave. The words that reach him in Nagisa’s voice seem implausible, dreamlike. He knows he cannot be awake. If Makoto has been in love with him for that long, for as long as he’s been in love with Makoto, then what sort of cruel fate has kept them apart over the vast expanse of time? He feels his happiness curdle into unbearable agony, so much worse than the pain his body is fighting against.

After Makoto leaves for work, he cannot stop crying, holding Nagisa’s hand as tight as he can, asking the same question over and over again.

“Why am I like this? Why couldn’t I just tell him? Why did I hurt him when all I wanted was to have him? What’s wrong with me, Nagisa? What the hell is wrong with me?”

And all Nagisa can do is pat him gently on the head.


	7. Always Thought I Could Forget You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I see your face  
> It just tears me up inside  
> I want to run I want to shake off this feeling  
> Feeling I have for you
> 
> Miss You- The Rapture

When Makoto returns to the hospital that evening, Haru and Nagisa are waiting for him by the entrance.

“What are you, my welcoming committee? Who’s with Sousuke?”

“Rei, Rin, and the kids. He’s being well looked after. It’s you I’m worried about, Makoto. We need to talk.” Haru is frowning, his voice abrupt and frustrated.

“About?”

“About you and him, obviously.”

“Me and who, Haru?”

“Don’t play the fool. It doesn’t suit you.”

“Hey watch it you fish-faced jerk.”

“What did you call me?”

“Big mackerel jerk.”

“What did you just say?”

“Jerk.”

“Are you two still 12? Please stop it. Actually at 12 you behaved more like a seasoned married couple. This is just ridiculous.” Nagisa has to place himself between the two friends to keep them from strangling each other.

“If I ever think about marrying this water-fetishizing douche, I want you to stab me in the face Nagisa.” Makoto feels oddly satisfied, screaming at Haru this way. Somehow, the last 10 years of distance are negated by this name-calling. They’re close again, free to speak with each other as they please.

“Just shut up, you punkass book jockey* and listen for once.” Haru is not one to be outdone when it comes to verbal abuse.

“Makoto, listen. When you left this morning, Sousuke kind of broke down, crying. It took 2 nurses and a very powerful sedative to get him to stop. He would have exhausted himself otherwise.” Nagisa quickly sums up his very stressful day, not wanting to relive its tension through words.

“Who’s with him now? Is he alone? He shouldn’t be alone.” Makoto only has one thing on his mind.

“We just told you, Mako-chan. Get your head straight. He’s fine.”

“But you said he was crying…”

“Oh who cares? He deserves it, after what he did to you.” Haru sounds sharper than ever, his voice brimming with anger.

“Haru-chan…”

“Nagisa, what the hell did you tell Haru?”

Nagisa goes red and starts stammering something about Haru having a right to know his best friend’s heartache.

“His best friend? I don’t see anyone here who goes by that title.” Makoto looks right at Haru.

“Makoto.”

“What? You’re suddenly concerned now? You care? I don’t need it Haru. I don’t need you.”

Makoto is about to turn around and leave when Haru grabs his shirt sleeve.

“How dare you say that Makoto? How can you even think it?” Haru looks like he’s on the verge of tears.

“Where were you for the last 10 years Haru? What do you know about my life? What do you know about me? You went off with Rin, had your family, your home, your happiness. When did you ever look back, Haru? When did you ever look for me?” Makoto has no idea where these words are coming from, but they leave his tongue before he can figure it out.

Haru stares at him, stunned, with such pain in his face that Makoto feels like slapping himself for causing it.

And then Haru pulls him forward, wraps him carefully in his arms, crying into his shoulder. Makoto returns the embrace, letting himself feel safe again, after so long, because Haru’s looking out for him. Just like when they were younger, happier, and the future was something to look forward to, together…

“Makoto, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to say all that stuff Haru. I just…You were so happy with Rin. After all that uncertainty, you finally found your place in life. I just…I had trouble accepting that I didn’t belong in that picture. And I didn’t want to taint that happiness for you…I didn’t tell you anything, I didn't want to distract you with my own ridiculous tragedy, and I’m sorry.”

“Makoto…you…you’re so important to me, why don’t you see that? If you went away, if I lost you…you’re so stupid. You always were. Dumbass.”

Makoto squeezes Haru so hard, he almost breaks his best friend’s ribs.

“Okay, I think that’s enough dramatics for one day. Let’s focus on the matter at hand, shall we Haru-chan?” Nagisa pats them both on the back, and they return to the present.

“I really don’t see what the problem is, Haru. I’m over him, really. It’s all ancient history. I can handle it, I’m an adult.”

Nagisa and Haru snort simultaneously and Makoto goes red.

“What’s so funny?”

“It’s just…hahaha…you look just like Ryu when he tries to convince me and Rin to get him a puppy.”

“Well I’m glad your morbid ass enjoyed a laugh, even if it was at my expense. Now can we please go inside?”

“Right. Okay. Just remember. If he hurts you again, I will snap his neck, injury or no injury.” Haru’s eyes flash with a cold, deadly anger and both Makoto and Nagisa are taken aback.

“I’m not gonna let him do that, Haru. Now stop acting like my mother.”

“But I _am_ your mother.”

“Jerk.”

Ruffling Makoto’s hair, Haru heads back inside.

Nagisa hangs back a little, nervously shuffling his feet.

“Out with it, then.” Makoto knows it’s better to get it all over with now.

“Makoto. Be careful. I don’t want to see you broken again.”

Makoto can only smile at his friend and squeeze his hand reassuringly.

_Every inch of my mind is telling me to turn around and run away from you, so far away that I forget the color of your eyes, the warmth of your skin. But my heart, my every impulse, every heartbeat, it calls out for you. Even if I break, even if you cut my heart out with a knife and suck my blood dry, I would rather be broken by your hands than be whole with another…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Parks and Rec fans will easily recognize "punkass book jockey". While I was writing this chapter, my cousin was liveblogging that episode, and she quoted this insult, and I ended up using it.


	8. You Can't be Replaced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Make us suffer, like no other
> 
> Is nothing like lapis lazuli  
> Let it go, back to me
> 
> Like no other you can't be replaced...
> 
> Lapis Lazuli- Beach House

“Uncle Sou, can I touch your face.” Ryu is trying his best to hop from Rin’s lap onto Sousuke.

“Ryu, you may not.” Shinji sighs exasperatedly.

“Sure you can, kiddo. Here you go.” Rin lifts up his youngest child so Ryu can feel the stubble on Sousuke’s normally clean-shaven cheeks.

“That’s spiky, like a baby hedgehog. Are you turning into a hedgehog, Uncle Sou?” Ryu is fascinated by finally having easy access to Sousuke. The domineering, straitlaced friend of his father’s does not normally look like he would welcome such attention. But lying in a hospital bed, too frail to defend himself, Ryu takes advantage of the lowered defences and claims Sousuke as his rightful property.

When Makoto walks in, he feels his breath catch in his throat. The sight of Sousuke surrounded by all their friends, being fussed over by Ryu, smiling- it stuns him. He stops and begins to panic.

“Just breathe and smile. That’s all, Mako-chan.” Nagisa lightly touches his forearm, and Makoto tries his best to regain his external composure.

_What am I supposed to do now? How do I talk to you?_

It’s no use. Something inside him has seized up. He cannot afford to be caught up in this again. He stands where he is, rooted to the ground, going pale, going blank…

“Uncle Mako!!” Midori sees him and runs at him like a hurricane. Instantly, Makoto is back to normal, following his instinct to pick her up off the floor and place her on his shoulders so she can play with his hair. It’s her favorite thing to do, right after taking off his glasses and running away with them, until he’s caught her and offered up some candy as bribe to have them safely returned. Since Shinji turned 3, Makoto has always carried candy in his pocket. He has also somewhat resolved never to have kids of his own. But looking at the way Ryu is playing with Sousuke’s face, he feels himself smiling, his mind fogging up with implausible images of a happy future with the man he’s loved for so long, and so fruitlessly.

“Makoto! Finally! We need to take these brats home, or I’m pretty sure Sousuke will be kicked out of the hospital for disrupting the peace or something.” Rin looks relieved, smiling brightly at Makoto.

_Jeez could you be more obvious, you idiotic shark._

Rin has been on a mission to set Sousuke up with Makoto for so many years now that Makoto has learned to tune out his enthusiasm. But now, he happens to look Sousuke’s way, sees Sousuke looking back at him, smiling, and he blushes all over.

“Well then, that’s our cue, right Haru? Off we go!” Rin plucks Ryu away from Sousuke, and Shinji quietly leans over to kiss Sousuke’s wan cheek.

“You really are kinda prickly Uncle Sou. I think you should give him a shave after we’re gone Uncle Mako. It will be embarrassing if we’re all looking.” Shinji is all tact, lecturing his godfathers with hands folded.

Nagisa and Rin start laughing.

“Shinji, mind your own business now. It is not Uncle Mako’s responsibility to provide personal grooming to…people. One of the nurses will take care of it.” Haru grabs Shinji by both shoulders and pushes him out of the room, glaring at a very flustered Sousuke.

“Err…umm Nagisa, we should get going too. I still have to look over my notes for tomorrow’s lecture.” Rei and Nagisa follow Haru’s lead, Nagisa looking back at Makoto nervously and giving him a thumbs-up.

Rin is left with Ryu and Midori, looking very confused.

“What am I missing here?” He looks from Makoto (whose ears are the shade of fire truck red) to Sousuke, who is refusing to meet his eye.

“Riiiiight. Okay. I guess I’ll have to pester Haru about whatever this is. Well, have a good night, I guess?” Rin leaves, puzzled and slightly irritated, leaving awkward silence in his wake.

“So, hey. Thank you for last night. And tonight.” Sousuke’s voice is so formal, it’s almost cold. The same cold voice he used to talk to Makoto when they were both 17, always making sure to look away from his face.

But now his gaze is fixed on Makoto. When the green eyes lift to meet the teal, Makoto can see that Sousuke is smiling, ever so slightly, a light touch of pink in his sallow cheeks.

“Yeah, no problem. I mean…It’s fine.”

“Are you going to stand there for the rest of the night or…?”

“Oh no, no. I’m…”

“I’m sorry about what I said this morning. And last night…”

“No, you don’t have to apologize. You were pretty heavily medicated.”

“So how about that shave, huh?”

“What?”

Sousuke laughs as Makoto turns even redder.

“I…Listen, Yamazaki-san, I…”

“It’s Sousuke, please.”

“Okay. Sousuke then. I don’t know how to _be_ around you, given our history. I’m a little afraid of you, to be honest. I don’t know why I agreed to come here again tonight. I’m sorry. Let’s just get through this and I won’t…”

“Because you love me.”

“I…What??”

“You’re here again because you love me.”

“I…”

“I love you, Makoto. And I know you love me too.”

“How medicated are you right now?”

Sousuke laughs again, sounding even happier.

Makoto is trying to so hard to remain standing. How many times did he imagine Sousuke saying those words to him when he was younger? How many sleepless nights with a hand between his thighs, thinking of Sousuke? How many years of distance, trying to forget? And now, there’s Sousuke, casually saying such things- such sacred things to him with such calmness, such ease. He feels like his heart will stop beating, that he will shrivel up and die where he stands.

“Not very. They’re regulating the pain killers in my system now, or I’d risk becoming too dependent on them. But anyway, I just want you to know that now. I love you Makoto. I have never been more sure of anything else in my life. And I want you to love me again, just like when we were in high school. I will make you love me again.”

“You want to pretend that those ten years didn’t happen? That I’m still the naïve moron who was so in love with you he didn’t care what happened to him? I don’t think I can do that, Sousuke.”

“No. That’s not what I mean, Makoto. I want you to give me a chance to show you how I feel about you. I want to woo you, I want to win your heart- all the Shoujo manga crap- I want to spoil you with it. I want to take you out and buy you your favorite books and chocolates and ice cream and…and I want to kiss you. You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you, Makoto.”

“I…I’m not sure Sousuke. It took me so long to get over you.”

“But you’re not over me, Makoto. Look at yourself. You’re blushing so hard right now I think you’ll faint. Please, please. I promise you, I will make you so happy if you let me. Please Makoto.”

Sousuke has stopped smiling. He looks so desperate, so determined.

_This isn’t fair and you know it. How can I refuse you now, when I almost lost you without ever having had you? You’re not being fair Sousuke. You’re never fair to me_.

Tears well up in Makoto’s eyes, and he feels his body go limp. Sousuke lifts up his left hand, reaching out towards him, beckoning him. With measured, inevitable footsteps, Makoto finds himself walking towards Sousuke, finds himself holding the extended hand, sitting down on the bed beside Sousuke, letting Sousuke’s arm reach around him, softly, gingerly. He leans his head against Sousuke’s shoulder, crying softly into the crook of his neck, and feels a soft kiss planted on top of his head.

Makoto feels like he’ll melt away, right into Sousuke’s bloodstream, and never part from him ever again.

“But I can’t just let you in, just like this. Even if I want to, I can’t. I just don’t know how to feel anymore, Sousuke.”

“I can wait. I will wait. However long you want me to. I’ll wait until the end of time.”

“How in the world are you saying all this stuff? Usually you just grunt through most conversations, and now…”

“Must be the medication, then. Or the fact that you’re here with me now, that I’m holding you.”

“Seriously, I had no idea you could be this cheesy.”

“Well, there’s a lot about me you don’t know.”

“Yeah…”

“Would you like to know more about me, Makoto?”

“I think so.”

“Good. Because I want to read you cover to cover. I want to memorize you so absolutely there is no space left for anything else in my brain.”

Sousuke goes to sleep, falling into a medicated stupor with Makoto still leaning against him, listening to his heartbeat. Makoto untangles himself carefully from Sousuke’s weak embrace, making sure not to wake him. He adjusts the pillows so Sousuke is comfortable, and covers him with the soft blanket. He caresses Sousuke’s rough cheek, resolving to shave it in the morning, though he doesn’t mind the stubble at all. He imagines how it would feel against his cheek, his chest, the inside of his thighs…

Outside, a late summer storm stirs the sky and the earth. Leaves are starting to fade from green into gold, being stripped away by the unforgiving wind. The night is cold, proclaiming end of summer. 

Makoto smiles at the moonless sky. He loves autumn, because it comes with the promise of spring.


	9. I Could Do Most Anything to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've got this feeling, there's something that I missed  
> (I could do most anything to you)  
> Don't you breathe, don't you breathe  
> (I could do most anything to you)  
> Something happened that I never understood  
> (I could do most anything to you)  
> You can't leave, you can't leave...
> 
> Somewhere a Clock is Ticking- Snow Patrol

His dreams are soft, drifting like freshly-fallen cherry blossom petals. Everything is pink and white and new. The clear water, the crystal sky- everything smiles at him and he smiles back.

“You’re so cute when you sleep, you know that?” The black cat walking next to him starts talking in Sousuke’s voice.

He wakes up dazed, and the teal eyes are smiling at him.

“When did you wake up? Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Because you’re like a baby angel when you’re sleeping, and I was enjoying the view.”

“Idiot.”

Makoto cannot help blushing as Sousuke laughs.

“I’m the most useless caretaker in the universe.”

“No, you’re not. But you might be the cutest.”

“Will you stop that already?”

“Not until you give me a kiss.”

“Sousuke! Behave!”

“Ahem.” Rin is standing in the doorway, looking at them with a straight face, slightly frowning.

“Rin? Isn’t this a bit early for you to be here? Aren’t you supposed to be home today?” Makoto stares at Rin, slightly baffled. But Rin’s eyes are fixed on Sousuke.

“Change of plans, Mako. Haru wants you. The kids are making a fuss about going to the aquarium, and if I have to go there one more freaking time, I will punch a penguin and my children won’t ever forgive me. So your services are required.”

“But…” Makoto starts to say something, but stops short. He sees the way Rin is looking at Sousuke, and how Sousuke is adamantly returning his best friend’s gaze. Makoto doesn’t fully understand what’s happening, but he’s smart enough to know not to get between them.

“Okay then, I’ll be off. Should I go to your house or am I meeting them at the aquarium?”

“House.” Rin replies in a voice that’s a bit atonal.

Still looking at Rin, Sousuke calls out to Makoto, “So how’s about that kiss before you leave?”

“I…”

“Shut up Sousuke. Makoto, go. Now.” Rin is angry, and Makoto realizes uncomfortably that Haru has probably spilled the beans.

“You don’t tell me whether I leave or stay Rin.” Makoto feels a fury building up inside him.

“Makoto, it’s okay. Go.” Sousuke is looking at him again, smiling softly.

“If this has anything to do with me, I have every right to stay here. I refuse to be kicked out.” It’s hard enough for Makoto to open himself up to Sousuke again, without every single one of their friends making it their business to meddle.

“I’m sorry Makoto. But I need to talk to Sousuke alone. Please.” Rin softens as he looks at Makoto, and with a deep sigh, Makoto picks up his bag and his jacket, and leaves without looking back.

Despite being furious at Haru, he cannot disappoint his godchildren. An hour later, he’s at the aquarium, Midori on his shoulders, Shinji holding his right hand. Makoto makes sure not to look at Haru, who is too busy trying to get Ryu to stay put anyway.

As they’re sitting down to lunch at the aquarium cafeteria, Makoto catches Haru looking at him with eyes full of concern. Despite the fact that he’s touched by Haru’s sympathetic intentions, he cannot help feeling irritated. He can still feel Sousuke’s heartbeat against him, the warmth he felt when their bodies touched, fitting against each other so perfectly. Last night, all the confusion, all the fear, all the worry of so many years had disappeared, just by being with Sousuke.

But Makoto knows that his friends have every right to act cautious. Sousuke has had a seriously damaging experience, which has probably shaken him physically and mentally.

What if this new side of Sousuke is nothing more than a side effect of the trauma he’s suffered? What if he’s leaning on Makoto because there’s no one else around to give him undivided attention? Makoto knows he has the tendency to get attached very quickly, to get reeled in without thinking of the consequences. Makoto has been used physically by Sousuke before, so why not emotionally this time? Makoto is fraught with uncertainty again. As much as he wants to believe that Sousuke really loves him now, he cannot be sure.

“Uncle Mako, can I have your fries?” Ryu’s shrill voice bring him back to reality.

“Yes. Yes you can, you little monkey.” Makoto ruffles Ryu’s hair and smiles at Haru, defeated.

“You’re right. You’re all just looking out for me Haru, I know. But I hoped this time…” Makoto’s voice breaks despite himself.

Haru and the kids stop eating to look at him, and Ryu reaches up two ketchup-covered hands to grab his face. “Don’t be sad Uncle Mako, I’ll let you buy me ice cream after to cheer you up.”

Smiling, Makoto fights back the urge to break down and cry right there.

After they’re finished with their food, Shinji leads off his siblings to get some ice cream.

Haru moves closer to Makoto, and puts his hand on his best friend’s shoulder. “Makoto, we just want you to be careful, that’s all. But…”

“But what?”

“If after all these years, and after everything that’s happened…if you still care for him this much, maybe you should give it a chance?”

“That’s just because I’m a pathetic loser though. If he leads me on, I’ll probably follow him to hell Haru. I don’t know what to do with myself. If…If he discards me again, I don't know if will be able to handle that. I just don’t know.”

“That’s why Rin went to talk to him today. Before things got more serious between you two.”

“To find out Sousuke’s intentions towards me?”

“Sort of.”

“Haru, you and Rin are not my parents.”

“How can we help it? You can barely iron your own clothes.” Haru grabs at Makoto’s ruffled shirt, which has been pulled straight out of the laundry basket and pulled on.

On the way back, they decide to stop by the hospital to give Sousuke a stuffed whale shark Midori has insisted on buying for him as a get-well present.

When they walk inside, Rin is sitting by Sousuke’s side, and they’re both deep in conversation, their voices low and serious.

“Daddd!!! You should of come with us! The baby penguins were especially cute today.” Ryu shrieks at Rin, jumping into his lap.

Amidst the chattering of the kids and their exasperated fathers, Makoto catches Sousuke’s eye and gives him a slight smile.

Sousuke immediately looks away, pretending to be interested in the shell bracelet Midori is waving in his face.

_I see. How stupid of me. How very, very stupid. That you could ever love me for more than a few days, why did I ever believe that..._

Makoto’s chest hurts. He feels like he will break into a million tiny fragments and scatter everywhere. He wants to walk up to Sousuke, to grab him by the shoulders and scream at him, to beg him for that smile, that kiss, that warmth they shared last night. But he can’t.

He turns around and walks away.

No one sees him leave.


	10. The Things We Should Have Learned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well it's been days now  
> And you change your mind again  
> All the cracks in the walls reminds you of things we said  
> And I could tell you that I won’t hurt you this time  
> But it's just safer to keep you in this heart of mine...
> 
> And the Boys- Angus & Julia Stone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the pain I caused in the last chapter. I hope today's update alleviates some of that pain. I promise, from this point onward, it will be fluff and even more fluff.  
> Thank you for reading, and for the comments as well- they keep me going.

A week passes, and Makoto refuses to see Sousuke, or any of his friends. Nagisa tries to stake out his apartment, waiting outside for 2 hours for Makoto to come home from work, but their conversation is quick, one-sided, and fruitless.

Haru calls again and again, and Rin sends out a million texts trying to get Makoto to speak with him properly, but he’s met with monosyllabic responses, and eventually none at all.

This has happened before, but the last time Makoto shut himself off, only Nagisa was around to notice. The rest of them were away, or too busy sorting out their own lives. And Nagisa doesn’t know what to do. Just like last time, he can silently sit by and offer support if Makoto needs it. But Makoto asks for nothing, as usual.

After a week of hospital visits with Sousuke going through Rin’s text messages and silently brooding for hours, a week without a word from Makoto, or a single visit, Haru decides to bring out his secret weapons.

Taking the kids straight to the library after he picks them up from school, Haru catches Makoto completely unawares. Makoto is in the storage room, looking through boxes full of crumbling letters sent by a sailor home to his family 70 years ago. As usual, Midori reaches him first, throwing her arms around his neck. The children know the library is a quiet space, and refrain from shouting out their usual greeting of “Uncle Mako!”

Makoto cannot help but smile at the kids as they gather around him, telling him all about their week, about how they’ve missed him. Makoto looks over their clamouring heads to where Haru is standing, smirking triumphantly.

They insist on dragging Makoto home for dinner, and when Ryu literally wraps himself around his leg, Makoto cannot refuse. When they’re all buckled up in the car, Haru announces they have to stop by the hospital and drop off food for Sousuke and Rin, who has been staying nights with his best friend since Makoto disappeared on them. Makoto stares daggers at him, and refuses to get out of the car while the rest go in to drop off the bento boxes.  

They return after 10 minutes, chatting conspiratorially amongst themselves.

“Uncle Sousuke looked sad again today. You should go see him Uncle Mako, because you cheer everyone up.” Shinji’s words are a bit too well-composed, even for him. Makoto raises his eyebrows at Haru, who shrugs to indicate he had nothing to do with it.

“He’s a big boy Shinji, he’ll be okay.” Makoto tries to smile, but he cannot.

“But he kept asking about you though so maybe you should I mean dad said to Shinji to say what he said just now, but I’m just saying it myself ‘cause I think he’s right.” Midori rails at him in one long sentence which leaves her out of breath by the time she’s done.

“Just go say hi, maybe?” Haru finally speaks up.

“No.” Makoto’s voice is final, stubborn.

“Then I guess he’ll drag his injured butt out here to speak with you himself.”

“What?”

“Dad you said butt.” Ryu points out giggling.

“You just left that day, and none of us can understand why you’re behaving like this Mako. Please talk to him, figure this out. This makes no sense.” Haru pleads, sounding worried.

“I can’t have him not look at me again, Haru. You cannot possibly understand how that makes me feel, how I’ve lived with that for all this time…” It’s too painful to remember all those years, Sousuke looking away every time Makoto was around, pretending to be interested in other people, other things. What happened that evening after the aquarium trip has rattled Makoto to the core, and he feels like he can’t face that anymore without actually breaking down and sobbing on the floor in front of everyone.

“Please just talk to him for a bit. Please?” Haru continues pushing him, until Makoto is all out of counter-arguments.

Taking Midori with him, he goes inside the hospital, his eyes slightly vacant, his heart thudding painfully against his chest. Midori grabs him by the hand and drags him into the room. Sousuke is sitting on the bed with his face in his hands, as Rin pats him softly on the back.

“We’re here!” Midori announces and runs at her father. Rin gasps as he looks up, and then his face lights up with a relieved smile.

Sousuke looks up at Makoto, his eyes rimmed with red.

“Makoto…”

“Haru and your children forced me in here. What do you want?” Makoto addresses himself to Rin, ignoring Sousuke despite the fact that his feelings betray him instantly at the sight of those teal eyes, making him want to walk up to him and wrap his arms around him.

“I think you two need to talk. Come on Midori, we’ll go have a look at the vending machine and get something stupidly unhealthy for you and your brothers.” Rin walks out quickly, giving Makoto a little push towards Sousuke’s bed.

The silence between them remains unbroken for a good five minutes.

Then Makoto hears the bed creaking, and finally looks up from the floor to see Sousuke attempting to lift himself out of bed.

“What the hell are you doing? I’m 90% sure your stitches haven’t healed yet.”

“You’re right, they haven’t. But if you keep standing there looking like an injured kitten what else am I supposed to do?”

“Please Sousuke, just stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“There’s too much uncertainty between us. This won’t work. We both know it. I cannot…”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why did you look away then? Like you always did? Don’t you know how much it hurt me, for so many years, enduring that? And you did it again…”

“Makoto…”

“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to listen to what you have to say. Let’s just go back to the way things were. Let’s go back to when we were both good at ignoring each other.”

“No.”

“Suit yourself then.”

“You won’t hear me out at all?”

“No.”

“But I love you.”

“Please stop.”

“I do, though.”

“Sousuke please.”

“Makoto, I love you.”

“Then why…”

“Because I wanted to be sure. Because Rin told me Haru was going to kill me if you got hurt because of me again. Because when you smiled at me like that I was scared- so very scared of much a simple smile from you can overwhelm me. How much I care about you, and how completely cruel I’ve been to you, questioning if I can ever forgive myself for what I’ve done to you. After your best friend sits with you for 6 straight hours, making you list all your atrocities against the person you love, berating you for being a douchebag, you don’t really feel like you deserve them anymore. I couldn’t look at you without wanting the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I’m sorry I hurt you again. I swear I didn’t mean it, Makoto. Please believe me.”

“I hate how much power you have over me Sousuke.”

“Please kiss me before you go or I won’t be able to sleep again.”

“I…”

“Just come here, please. Or I will have to walk over and force myself on you.”

Shaking his head slightly, not really looking ahead, Makoto walks up to Sousuke’s bed. Sousuke reaches up and takes Makoto’s hand in his.

“You’re burning up Sousuke.”

“I can’t help it. My passion for you is lighting so many fires inside me. Can you put them out with your hose, Mr. Volunteer Fireman?”

“You are such an asshole, Sousuke.” Makoto cannot help but smile.

Suddenly Sousuke’s feverish lips are pressed against his knuckles, kissing his hand all over, holding it against his pale, sweaty forehead.

“Next time, I would prefer it if you punched me in the face instead of sealing yourself away like this Makoto.”

“I can’t make any promises.”

“When I’m strong enough to get out of this damn bed, I’m going to prove to you how much I love you. I won’t let you run away like this again.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“Challenge accepted. Now then, how’s about that kiss?”

“We’ll see about that, too.”

“Please?”

Makoto quickly leans down and plants a quick kiss on Sousuke’s forehead.

“That’s all you get for now.”

“Fine. But you owe me.”

“Let go of my hand now, maybe?”

“Never.”

“Idiot.”

“So are you.”

When Rin and Midori return, Sousuke has Makoto laughing at his stupid one-liners. Rin feels relaxed and unburdened.

“Is it too much to ask you to stay with him tonight? My children miss me, Makoto.”

“Not a chance, Rin.”

“Let him go Rin, I’ll deal with him when I get out of here next week.” Sousuke smirks happily at the ceiling, looking very pleased with himself.

“You’re going to be released next week?” Makoto feels his heart lift despite himself.

“Yes, then I can stalk you properly, like a real boyfriend.”

“Who said anything about being my boyfriend?”

“I did. Just now.”

Rin starts laughing, pleased to see his best friend talking so much, so happily. He always worries about Sousuke, about his inability to open up to people, to let himself smile. Despite Haru’s misgivings, Rin knows he’s been right all along about Sousuke and Makoto’s ability to make each other happy.

Makoto and Midori leave soon after, leaving behind a smiling Sousuke and a very content Rin.

Stepping out into the evening, walking towards the car where Haru is waiting with his precocious sons, Makoto clears his head of doubts, and lets himself be happy thinking of Sousuke smiling, telling him stupid jokes, the soft pressure of his thin lips. He wants to know what's next, he wants to dream of a future with Sousuke, laughing together, being with each other. For the first time in years, he lets his imagination run amok…

_You win, Sousuke. I’m yours._


	11. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Call of forgiveness  
> I'm like the heal of the hurt  
> I'm like the only one  
> You tried to save when you fell out...
> 
> All to All- Broken Social Scene

Until Sousuke is finally released from the hospital, Makoto makes it a habit to visit him every evening with Haru, Rin, and the kids. Sousuke is well on his way to make a full recovery, and doesn’t need anyone to stay with him overnight, though he keeps wishing Makoto would.

Mostly they just sit across from each other, Makoto carefully placing himself at the foot of Sousuke’s hospital bed with one of the kids propped up beside him, smiling nervously and blushing beautifully. A lot. That is Sousuke’s only relief. He keeps hoping for a kiss, but he knows that’s too much to ask for right now. Besides, ideally speaking, Sousuke wants to be the one to do the kissing. He thinks about putting his hands on Makoto’s hips, drawing him in close, leaning down and taking what is rightfully his by shoving his tongue inside Makoto’s mouth, tasting him thoroughly, properly, until he loses his breath. The thought of finally being able to be with Makoto helps him get through the lonely and dull hospital nights.

Sousuke’s stitches have healed almost completely, and the doctor says there is no lasting damage. However, she has instructed Sousuke not to exert himself physically. Which means ripping off Makoto’s clothes, pushing him into bed and fucking him all night long will have to wait for the time being. Sousuke spends his nights making up scenarios that will allow him to have sex with Makoto without tearing open his wound. It’s more depressing than titillating, and as excited as he is to start going out with Makoto, he is also filled with nervousness and uncertainty about what path their relationship will take. When he thinks about being with Makoto, he bypasses the intricacies of dating and wooing altogether, despite what he’s told Makoto. He wants to jump straight to the part where they wake up in the same bed every morning, brush their teeth at the same sink, laze around on weekends on their gigantic leather couch, watching TV or reading, all wrapped up in each other. Sousuke is the kind of person who wants to shut the world out, only keeping Makoto inside with him. But he knows Makoto is different. Makoto loves his friends, Makoto loves working with his books, loves going to the pool to teach swimming, loves talking to stray cats on the street, going to the beach for ice cream, volunteering at the fire department, the community center, visiting his family- surrounding himself with beautiful things and people he cares about. If that’s what Makoto loves, then Sousuke will learn to love it all too. And with that thought warming his heart, Sousuke sleeps quite comfortably.

The night before he’s supposed to be discharged, Makoto doesn’t show up with Rin and his family. Observing the disappointed look on his face, Rin laughs quietly.

“Don’t worry, he had some things to wrap up at work, so he’s running late. Said he’d drive over straight from the library.”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay, cool.” Sousuke brightens up instantly.

Noticing the exchange between his husband and his best friend’s potential boyfriend, Haru glares at them both. He makes a deep-throated noise which sounds ominously like a growl. Rin walks over to Haru, hugs him quite aggressively, and kisses him full on the lips, prompting their children to scream in affronted shock.

“Dads! No! Bad dads!” Shinji looks apologetically at Sousuke while berating his fathers.

“Again! Again!” Midori loves to see her parents show their love for each other. It makes her feel sure of her life, her home, the love that surrounds her all the time.

Makoto walks in amid the laughing chaos, and takes his place on Sousuke’s bed as usual. Sousuke notices dark circles under his eyes, pinched cheeks, and hair that is much more disheveled than usual.

“Don’t overwork yourself, Makoto. Or the minute I’m out of here, they’ll be bringing you in.” Sousuke smiles fondly at the green-eyed man.

“I’m fine, really. I was just up late reading last night.” Makoto blushes a little at Sousuke’s concern for him.

After Rin and Haru take their children and leave, Makoto remains, smiling shyly at Sousuke from where he’s sitting.

“Aren’t you going to go with them?”

“Oh. Did you want me to leave ‘cause…”

“No! God no! I mean, you usually do, so I was wondering…Plus you look like you can use some sleep.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep even if I try.”

“Oh?”

“I feel so stupid, but I can’t stop thinking about you, and I get really anxious and fidgety, and then I make myself coffee and repeat the cycle. And in the morning I go to work and drool all over my desk instead of getting things done…” As Makoto rambles on, he gets up off the bed and walks towards Sousuke.

Before Sousuke can register what’s happening, Makoto is leaning down, running his fingers through Sousuke’s hair, his lips parted, so close Sousuke can count every single one of his beautiful eyelashes if he can only focus…

All that’s left in the world is the two of them, melting into each other, Makoto’s soft full lips against Sousuke’s thin dry ones. Sousuke grabs a hold of Makoto’s wrists and deepens the kiss, their tongues exploring each other’s mouths, drowning into each other.

When they break apart, out of breath, there are tears running down Sousuke’s cheeks. Makoto wipes them away softly, smiling.

“I just wanted to do it first, before you regain your full strength and assault me again.” Makoto whispers quietly, still leaning close to Sousuke’s face.

“I will get you back, you green-eyed fiend. I’m going to kiss you so long and so hard, both our faces will be numb. Hell, I’m going to do a lot more than just kiss you on the mouth, Makoto.”

“I know. I look forward to it.” With a wink and a parting smile, Makoto gathers up his satchel and jacket and leaves.

_However many lifetimes we live, we will keep drifting back towards each other, inevitably, infinitely…_


	12. I'll Believe in Anything, You'll Believe in Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Give me your eyes  
> I need sunshine  
> Your blood  
> Your bones  
> Your voice  
> And your ghost...
> 
> I'll Believe in Anything- Wolf Parade

Rei has offered to pick Sousuke up from the hospital in the evening. Haru and the kids are at home, cooking for everyone. Rin, Nagisa and Makoto are on cleaning duty at Sousuke’s apartment.

Makoto is not the least bit surprised to see the sparse décor, the wide bed with spotless white sheets, a few photos of family members and friends in neat black frames- Sousuke's place is practical and minimalistic. Makoto blushes a little thinking about the cluttered hell his own living space always is, and how Sousuke would react to it.

Before long, they’ve managed to wipe down every surface, vacuum the place, make sure the dishes are clean, the laundry is done, and every basic necessity is available. Even though Rin tried his best to convince Sousuke to stay in his guest room for a few days before moving back to his own place, Sousuke had insisted on coming right back and regaining his self-reliance. Part of Makoto wants to hole up in Sousuke’s apartment with him, cook for him, cuddle with him, spoil him rotten, until he’s fully recovered and ready to return to work.

Looking to see if there is enough toilet paper in the washroom, Makoto opens up the cabinet above the sink, and stands there for a good five minutes with Sousuke’s cologne- smelling it, putting a bit of it on his sleeve- until Rin walks in on him.

“You are deep in this mess, aren’t you Makoto?” Instead of laughing, Rin is smiling rather fondly at him, arms folded, hair pulled back in its usual ponytail.

“I guess I am.” Makoto is suddenly seized with self-doubt again, and places the cologne back in the cabinet.

“Nagisa went out to check the mail, ‘cause, um I was supposed to like a week ago? But I forgot. Come here, I want you to see something.” Rin summons Makoto out to Sousuke’s bedroom.

He opens the drawer of the bedside table and takes out a little wooden box, carved with an intricate marine pattern. Rin walks over to Makoto and hands the box to him.

“Are you allowed to go through his private stuff?” Despite his burning curiosity about the box’s contents, Makoto is apprehensive about invading Sousuke’s privacy.

“Not at all. But here we are. Open it.” Rin grins encouragingly.

Sitting down on Sousuke’s bed, Makoto lifts the lid. The items are not many, but it’s obvious they’ve been well looked after. Makoto instantly recognizes the bracelet he left in Sousuke’s dorm room all those years ago. The other objects are harder to place, apart from a faded picture of Makoto, clearly ripped from a group photo taken after the Iwatobi swim team won a tournament. There’s a movie ticket stub, a single glove Makoto thought he left on the train a couple of years back, a little orca charm from his phone he gave Ryu to play with, which Ryu broke instantly, and which had been thrown right into the trashcan as far as Makoto can recall.

“The movie ticket is from last year, when we dragged you to that horror film Nagisa was dying to watch, and you ended up sitting next to Sousuke- courtesy of me, you’re welcome- and spilled your drink all over his crotch when you got scared. And then you frantically started wiping him down with every napkin you could grab and Sousuke was either too flustered or turned on to stop you, before you came back to your senses. And then you tripped on your way to the washroom, and dumped your popcorn over his head, because for some reason you thought it was a good idea to take your popcorn with you while you peed.” Rin narrates the night Makoto remembers very vividly without any help at all.

Makoto is red in the face, laughing at Rin’s words. He thinks he will cry if he sits here looking at these stupid memories Sousuke has hoarded of him.

“And all I did was try to erase him from my life, when he was trying so hard to hold on…” Makoto breaks down, regret and pain surging through him, constricting his chest, making it ache.

“After what happened between you two, I wouldn’t sit around blaming you Makoto. I just wanted you to see this so you would know that he isn’t screwing around with you. He really does love you. Also, don’t ever tell him I showed this to you, because he doesn’t know that I know. I like to snoop around.” Rin doesn’t look the least bit guilty as he says this.

“Does Haru go through my stuff like this?” Makoto is suddenly suspicious.

“Oh yeah. But your apartment is such a horrendous mess that he can rarely find anything. Though he’s saved some of the poems you’d tossed in the trash. He likes them, I think.” Rin claps Makoto on the back, and walks out of the room.

Makoto stays there with the little box, smiling quietly to himself, thinking of the kiss he shared with Sousuke last night.

By the time Nagisa comes back with a handful of envelopes, Makoto and Rin are having coffee in the living room, and the box with its secrets is back where it belongs. Haru and the kids arrive within a few minutes of Nagisa, laden with a multitude of plastic containers and bento boxes. When Rei and Sousuke make it back, it’s already dark and Ryu is asleep in Rin’s lap.

Everyone offers their congratulations and hug Sousuke, except for Makoto. With a little hesitation in his step, Makoto walks up to Sousuke after everyone else is done greeting him. Then all at once, he throws his arms around Sousuke’s neck and kisses him lightly on the lips, with a quiet “welcome back” and a face as crimson as the reddest rose.

After a moment of stunned silence, Nagisa and Rin start cheering, and Midori joins in instantly. Rei looks as if he’s about to get a nosebleed, Haru frowns at Sousuke, and Shinji shakes his head silently, lamenting the loss of two more uncles to PDA.

As they sit down to dinner, Makoto takes the seat next to Sousuke, and holds his hand under the table as they wait for dessert and tea afterwards. Makoto stays behind after everyone else leaves, having offered to do the dishes and help Sousuke with anything else he might need before bed.

After he’s done cleaning the kitchen, he sits down next to Sousuke on the huge leather couch, and curls up against him. For now, they both know this is enough.

They kiss again before Makoto says goodnight, long and deep, melting away the icy distance between them for good.

_And now that I’m here with you, everything falls into place, and my heart is whole again…_


	13. I Will Remember Your Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now you see me, now you don’t  
> Now you say you love me  
> Pretty soon you won't  
> If we get our full three score and ten  
> We won't pass this way again  
> So kiss me with your mouth open
> 
> Dilaudid- The Mountain Goats

“Tachibana-kun! Someone to see you!” One of Makoto’s assistant archivists runs into the backroom, smiling mischievously.

“If it’s Haru and the children, you don’t need to announce them, really.” Makoto doesn’t even bother to look up from the nautical record book he’s examining.

“It’s not them, though.” Sen lingers at the door, still grinning broadly.

“Who is it then? Nagisa? Rei?” Makoto is curious about his visitor now.

“Nope.”

“Rin? Oh, wait, is it one of my parents? Ren? Ran?”

“No to all of the above.”

“Who then?”

“Not anyone I’ve seen in the library before.”

“What?”

“Tall, dark, lovely eyes, very flushed face, hands awkwardly stuffed in pockets, looking at his feet, asking for you.”

“What the hell is he thinking, walking around when he was discharged just two days ago, seriously.”

Of course Makoto knows who it is. No one else would have waited outside, asking for him like that. He pushes his glasses back up from the tip of his nose, runs a hand through his hair and almost runs outside.

Sousuke is standing at the reception desk, trying to pretend he doesn’t exist, while Makoto’s coworkers are ogling him without any regard for propriety. As Makoto walks up to Sousuke and grabs a hold of his hand, a couple of them whistle appreciatively. Makoto turns around, mouthing for them to screw off. There is a round of applause as Makoto drags Sousuke outside to the library’s little garden and sits him down on a bench.

“What was that about?” Sousuke looks confused.

“They approve of my choice, is what it means.” Makoto tilts his head and smiles at Sousuke, starting to blush.

“Oh. Good. I mean. Yeah, that’s good.” Sousuke looks a bit too pleased with himself. 

“No it isn’t. What are you doing here Sousuke?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I wanted to see you. You haven’t been around since that night.”

“You are in no condition to be driving around right now.”

“Oh I didn’t drive. I walked.”

“Are you insane?”

“I wanted to see you though.”

Exasperated as he is, Makoto leans forward and kisses Sousuke on the lips, beaming.

“Someone will see, Makoto.” Sousuke is clearly pleased with the attention he’s just received, but he is quite obviously freaking out about being kissed in public.

“So?”

“So…I mean, I don’t like it with people looking.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“So in public, if I get handsy with you, you’ll push me away?”

“I would _never_ push you away. But…um…it would be awkward.”

“What about this then? Would this be awkward too?” Makoto runs a hand along Sousuke’s right thigh, leaning in to bite his earlobe lightly.

“Makoto!” Sousuke is starting to sweat, looking around like a hare caught in the trap.

Makoto throws his head back and laughs, but his hand remains on Sousuke’s thigh.

“You are a shameless little hussy, you know that?” Sousuke whispers to Makoto under his breath, eliciting another laugh from his boyfriend.

“Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll get my stuff and I’ll drive you back.” Before gets up, Makoto lets his fingers run lightly over the crotch of Sousuke’s pants, causing the taller man to stifle a moan.   

“Wait until we get to my apartment, Makoto. Just you wait.”

“Is that a promise?” Still laughing, Makoto runs inside. A few minutes later, they’re both driving to Sousuke’s apartment.

“Did you eat? Should we pick something up?” Makoto has been pestering Sousuke about his well-being since they left the library.

"Not really." 

“Let’s get some ramen then. I know a good place. Does that sound good.”

“Yes mom.”

Makoto just sticks out his tongue in response.

Back at Sousuke’s apartment, Makoto continues to fuss over his boyfriend, insisting on doing everything by himself, threatening to withhold dessert unless Sousuke’s finishes his food. Afterwards, they settle down on Sousuke’s huge leather couch, big enough to accommodate both of them easily, with some matcha and instant chocolate pudding Makoto has whipped up in the kitchen. Though Sousuke doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, he enjoys every spoonful knowing that Makoto made it for him.

Makoto also hand-feeds Sousuke his medication as soon as he’s done, even though Makoto’s own pudding is still just half-eaten. Despite the fact that Sousuke knows physical exertion is not good for him, he cannot help but get aroused by the way Makoto’s gentle but strong hands are handling him, feeding him, caring for him.

“Hey Makoto, since I’ve been a good boy, can I finish your pudding?”

“Sure. But only if you buy me some chocolate later to make up for it though.”

Makoto hands him the bowl, but Sousuke doesn’t take it.

“I don’t wanna eat it from the bowl though.”

“What? Should I get a plate? Wouldn’t that make it harder to eat though?”

“Yeah it would.”

“Then?” Makoto narrows his eyes suspiciously.

“I wanna lick it off you, Makoto.”

Makoto just stares at Sousuke in disbelief, turning red, shaking just a little bit from sheer nervousness.

“W-what do you mean, Sousuke?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I want you to take your clothes off, lay down on the couch, smear this pudding all over your body, so I can lick it off you.”

“That’s…what do you…you’re not in any condition to…” All the breath seems to have been knocked out of Makoto’s body by Sousuke’s words.

“I’m not gonna push you onto my bed and shove my cock into you until we’re both covered in cum, Makoto. I can’t manage that just yet. So this would be a nice way to cheer me up wouldn’t it? Don’t worry, I’ll let you lick me too.”

“You…you asshole…”

“Hey don’t forget you started this. I’ve holding it back ever since you bit my earlobe.”

“I…”

“Come on then, let’s get that shirt off, shall we?”

“But…”

As Sousuke gets off the couch and grabs at Makoto’s shirt, Makoto lifts his arms to make it easier for Sousuke to take it off. Sousuke tugs at the hem of Makoto’s pants urgently, but Makoto covers his growing bulge with both hands, blushing furiously.

“Isn’t the shirt enough, Sousuke?”

“Nope. That’s the main course you’re hiding from me in there.”

“I don’t get you. You’re as shy as a middle schooler on his first date in public, but now…”

“I have you all to myself now, Makoto. What's need for embarrassment? So hurry up.”

Makoto undresses completely before Sousuke, averting his gaze and looking at the floor.

“Now lie down on the couch.”

Makoto obeys quietly, already whimpering from the pleasure and shame of being stripped and ordered around by his boyfriend.

Sousuke takes the bowl of pudding and upends it, using his fingers to spread it over Makoto's nipples, his stomach, his hard cock, the inside of his thighs…

Makoto moans in a low voice as Sousuke’s hands reach all over him, touching him softly, sending spasms of pleasure across his body.

Sousuke kneels down on the floor beside the couch, and begins with a kiss- slow and hard, biting Makoto’s lower lip, leaving him breathless. Then he starts licking, paying special attention to Makoto’s nipples. Makoto closes his eyes, his face red from embarrassment. He never thought their first time after they started dating would be like this. But when Sousuke starts talking like that, looking at Makoto with those eyes, he cannot be refused. By the time Sousuke gets to Makoto’s navel, his tongue moving slowly all over, leaving traces of pudding and saliva, using his hands to twist Makoto’s nipples, the green-eyed man is a shuddering, moaning mess, grunting Sousuke’s name over and over again.

When he finally takes Makoto’s hardness in his mouth, wet with precum and dessert, Makoto is begging Sousuke to fuck him. Teasing the tip with his tongue, stroking the shaft, Sousuke lowers his free hand to release his own painful hardness from the confines of his pants and begins tugging.

“Unh! Unh! Sousuke, stop! Stop! Not like this! I..ungh..I wanna…unh…see you when I cum…unh…please…”

Sousuke realizes that he would prefer that as well, and halts the movements of his hands, slowly releasing Makoto’s cock from his mouth, letting his tongue glide its length.

Makoto lifts himself up on the couch, supporting himself on his elbows.

“Sou…unh…sit on the couch and I’ll do the rest.”

Sousuke seats himself, his thighs spread apart, as Makoto leans down in front of him to take off his pants and underwear. He goes down on Sousuke, licking and sucking for a few seconds, until Sousuke’s cock is fully erect and wet. Breathing hard, avoiding eye contact, Makoto carefully straddles Sousuke, lowering himself onto Sousuke’s hardness, gasping with pleasure.

“Well, look at me Makoto.”

Sousuke takes Makoto’s chin between his thumb and index finger, making sure they’re face to face as Makoto slowly moves his hips with Sousuke inside him. Even in the heat of passion, even in this primal state, Makoto’s movements are measured and careful of Sousuke's injury. Makoto is first to climax, his tongue entwined with Sousuke’s, his cum all over his own stomach and Sousuke’s shirt. Makoto's groans of pleasure and the way his body stiffens- it’s enough to get Sousuke to come. Makoto carefully leans against Sousuke, making sure his weight is being supported by the uninjured side.

“We shouldn’t have done that.”

“But we did.”

“Yes, we did. You need to get cleaned up right away.”

“Really Mako?” Sousuke runs his finger along Makoto’s stomach, remnants of the pudding mixed with cum sticking to it, and licks appreciatively.

“You’re such an asshole.” Makoto looks away again, smiling, blushing.

Since Sousuke is not allowed to shower until his stitches fall out and the doctor removes the bandages, Makoto cleans up alone. Sousuke wipes himself down with a wet towel and changes into sweats and a t-shirt.

“Hey, um, do you have spare clothes by any chance?” Makoto discarded his clothes on the couch before they started and they are no longer in any state to be worn.

Sousuke smirks at Makoto, handing him a t-shirt and shorts.

Makoto insists on cleaning up the mess they’ve made in the living room, and makes Sousuke lie down in the bedroom, worried about his state, reprimanding himself inwardly for letting desire overrule his common sense.

“Um…Okay, so everything is clean, and I’ve put the…um…clothes in the washer, and the leftovers are in the fridge if you need them. Do you want anything else before I go?” Makoto is fidgeting at the bedroom entrance, red in the face and quite obviously trying to pretend that Sousuke didn’t eat dessert off him just an hour ago.

“You. I want you. Sleep over tonight Makoto. Please?”

“What? So we can…no Sousuke, you’re not strong enough for…for…again.”

“If I promise not to do anything, will you just stay here and hold me? I don’t…I don’t want to be alone tonight Makoto. Please?”

“Oh…Okay then. Yeah, I’ll stay. Of course, I’ll stay.”

“Good.”

They fall asleep facing each other, exhausted, satisfied, smiling happily.

_In the dark of this place, there's the scent of you, and the sound of your beating heart, and that's all I need._


	14. If You Want Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you want me I'll be there  
> A boy to deal with all your problems  
> But part of the deal  
> Is for you to feel something
> 
> Simple Things- Belle and Sebastian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a little longer than usual to update this fic. I was experiencing a minor writer's block, but I felt like this was a story that still lacks a proper conclusion, so I am continuing it for now. It's always great to get feedback, and I would love to hear any ideas about how long this should go on for, or what you guys expect from it.  
> Thanks for reading.

“Ugh, what time is it?” Makoto fumbles around for his glasses and his hand grabs at something which feels a lot like a human face.

“Makoto, please take your hand off my nose.” Sousuke grunts sleepily.

“I can’t find my glasses!”

“Hold on, they’re right here on the table.”

“What time is it? I’m late for work, aren’t I?”

“Oh…about that…”

“What about that?”

“Um, well they called when you didn’t come in on time, and I answered the phone maybe, ‘cause you were asleep? And I told them you had a cold, and were taking today off?”

“Sousuke, you didn’t…”

“Sorry. You looked so beautiful asleep, I just couldn’t wake you.”

“Sousuke seriously! You cannot do that!!” Clearly frustrated, Makoto jumps out of bed, breathing heavily, his face red with anger.

“You look so cute when you’re mad at me.” Unaffected by Makoto’s outburst, Sousuke smiles at him contentedly.

“Shut up!”

Makoto walks around to Sousuke’s side of the bed and grabs his glasses from the table, putting them.

“I’m leaving now Sousuke. Thanks to someone who’s been stupidly selfish, I’m late for work!”

“Oh come on, give me a break! I’ve waited so long to have you asleep beside me. Don’t leave. Please? They already said it was okay if you couldn't come in?”

“Give me one good reason.”

“I’ll give you a blow job and take you out to lunch. That’s two good reasons.”

“You…you manipulative anus!”

Sousuke laughs as he sits upright. Immediately, his face contorts in pain and he clutches his injured side.

“I really have tough luck when it comes to this side of my body, huh.” He tries to smile again, but it’s clear the pain is too much.

“Stay where you are. I’ll get you some milk and your medication. Idiot.”

“I love you too, Makoto.”

After Sousuke’s pain dies down a little, Makoto helps him to the washroom. Then he makes eggs and tea for breakfast and forces Sousuke to clean his plate up.

“Any pudding left over from last night?” Sousuke winks at Makoto after finishing his food.

“Stop it already.” Makoto is giving off so much heat, Sousuke can feel it where he’s sitting across the table from the green-eyed man.

“You hadn't done anything like that before now, had you?” Sousuke finds himself curious, jealous even.

“N-no. Have you?” Makoto mirrors Sousuke’s jealousy, narrowing his eyes.

“You mean used someone as a dessert plate and then fucked them stupid all in one go? Not that I can recall, no.”

“I see. Good.”

“Good?”

“Well… It was um, our first time being together properly. I would hate it if you pulled something you’d already done with someone else.”

“Well, you can’t say it wasn’t memorable, can you?”

“I could say that about the first two times too.”

“Oh. Yeah. No, I was an asshole, wasn’t I? You are so very precious to me Makoto, I wish I’d realized that earlier.”

“I-it’s fine. No need to dig all that crap out again.”

“No. No, we do need to talk about it.”

“What is there to talk about? The first time around, you sent me into a spiral of self-hate and disgust. What do you want to talk about exactly? How many people I slept with after that?”

“If that’s what you want. I won’t like hearing about it though.”

“I-I don’t want to discuss that part of my life, Sousuke. Not just yet.”

“I would rather you yell at me now, than hold in anything that will keep hurting you.”

“I was messed up back then Sousuke. And it wasn’t just because of you. It was just…At that time, it felt like no one cared about what I did, where I went, whether I failed or succeeded. What happened in Tokyo, that was the last straw, but it wasn’t the only thing that pushed me over the edge.”

“But it was the last thing. I should have been holding you safe in my arms instead. But I hurt you the worst. I-I can’t forgive myself for that, Mako.”

“But you had enough on your plate too. Rin going to Australia. Your arm…”

“None of that can excuse my attitude towards you.”

Sitting across the breakfast table from each other, the sunlight pouring in through the glass windows of Sousuke’s apartment, they are both wrapped up in a silence that marks the years of anguish and solitude they’ve lived through,  until this moment in time. The grief weighs down on them both, and blurs the moment of togetherness with dull outbursts of memories long buried. 

“I will make it up to you, Makoto. I will.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you owe me some kind of debt. If you want me, then want me. Don’t take me out because you have to. Don’t think about the past when you kiss me, thinking it’s a price you have to pay for your mistakes. Don’t…”

Silent tears roll down Makoto’s face. Sousuke reaches his hand across the table to touch Makoto’s fingers.

“Just be with me now. Love me now. That’s what I want.”

“I know.”

Makoto gets up and clears the table, then helps Sousuke settle down on the couch with a couple of blankets and some fluffy cushions.

“I’ll go out and get us some lunch. Don’t move a muscle while I’m gone Sousuke.”

“You worry too much, Mako.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Kiss me before you go.”

Makoto sighs exasperatedly and leans over Sousuke. As their lips meet and their tongues entwine, Makoto finds it very hard to let go.

“How about we order a pizza, and you stay right here with me on this couch, eh Mako?” Sousuke breaks the kiss momentarily to smile at his boyfriend.

“Mmmm. That sounds good.”

They stay in Sousuke’s apartment all day, watching pointless reality shows, eating pizza, and making out.

_The warmth between our bodies will melt the ice of the long, lonely years. I will hold you like this until my last breath._


	15. I Fell For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got bruises on my knees for you  
> And grass stains on my knees for you  
> Got holes in my new jeans for you  
> Got pink and black and blue  
> For you
> 
> Bruises- Chairlift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Eternal Summer is over and we got zero interaction. None at all.  
> So here's a smutty chapter to make up for the lack of SouMako in canon terms. Enjoy.

After that day spent together in something very much akin to domestic bliss, Makoto and Sousuke did not get to spend a lot of time together.

A week-long conference in Tokyo keeps Makoto away, and Sousuke goes back to work, albeit his duties are reduced to staying at a desk, answering phones, and preparing reports. He comes home to an empty apartment and an empty bed. If missing Makoto was bad enough before, the distance keeping them apart now is unbearable. He opens the little box containing all his memories of Makoto and takes out the bracelet. He starts wearing it to work every morning.

Makoto ends up staying a week longer than he had to, because Ren and Ran insist on hanging out with their older brother. Both Makoto’s siblings decided to follow in his footsteps and went to university in Tokyo.

When Makoto finally gets back to Iwatobi, he is asked to come straight to Haru and Rin’s house from the airport. Sousuke has called him every night he’s been away, and he knows that the stitches are out, and Sousuke has made a complete recovery. The thought of a Sousuke returned to full strength is just as tempting as it is intimidating.

Arriving at the little house by the sea, Makoto is attacked by Midori and Ryu right away, who hang off his arms demanding souvenirs from Tokyo.

“Oh good, you’re finally here. Please detach yourself from my children and help me in the kitchen.” Wearing his standard blue apron, Haru is busy cooking what seems like enough food to serve about 50 people. Shinji is standing next to his father, wearing an identical apron and a look of very serious domestic responsibility. Makoto plants a quick kiss on his head and messes his hair up as he walks into the kitchen, having discarded Midori and Ryu on the couch, where they are busy rummaging through his luggage to look for presents. 

“What in the name of mermaids are you up to Haru?”

“Oh, right. I forgot to say. Today is Sousuke’s party. His stitches came out you know. So Rin wanted a proper celebration.” Haru makes an annoyed face while talking.

Makoto laughs, knowing exactly how Rin may have managed to persuade Haru to go out of his way to do all this for Sousuke.

“Can I have a quick shower and change first? I feel all grimy after Tokyo.” Makoto walks back to the living room to rescue his belongings. He opens his bag and throws around a bunch of capsule toys and chocolates for the kids to fight over.

“Yes, yes but hurry up. Nagisa will be here soon to help set up, and you know he only gets in the way and wants to put strawberries in everything.” Haru holds up his ladle threateningly, as if ready to club anyone who dares interfere with his cooking.

Showered and aproned, Makoto joins Haru and Shinji in the kitchen, and the rest of the afternoon is spent happily cooking, tasting, and keeping Ryu from boiling himself in a pot along with the miso and mackerel soup.

By the time everyone is sitting to dinner, with a very happy Sousuke at the centre of things, Makoto is exhausted and barely awake. Sousuke keeps looking over at him, unable to keep his eyes away, but all Makoto can offer in return is a tired smile. He offers to tuck the kids in, and falls asleep next to Ryu while telling him a story.

Sousuke wants to shake him awake. He wants to scoop Makoto up in his arms and take him home right away, but Haru- cleaning up the kitchen in his apron, constantly glaring at him- is an alarming sight.

“There’s always tomorrow, Sou.” Rin pats him on the back, grinning, and once again, Sousuke finds himself sleeping alone, pleasuring himself while thinking of everything he plans to do to Makoto as soon as he gets a chance.

In the morning, Sousuke is woken by the sound of his doorbell. Cursing whoever has decided to wake him up at 8 am on a Saturday, he stumbles to answer the door.

It’s Makoto, with two coffees, a box of donuts, and the sweetest smile Sousuke has ever seen.

“I had a very good night’s sleep at Haru’s, so I decided to come see you as soon as I was up.” He places a light kiss on Sousuke’s cheek and walks in.

“You can go back to bed Sousuke, I just wanted to see you as soon as possible. I’ll just have breakfast here and watch TV or something.”

“No. Now that I know you’re here, I’ll never get back to sleep. Gimme the coffee.”

“Shouldn’t you brush your teeth first, Sousuke?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.” With that, Sousuke lunges at Makoto, gripping his hair, kissing him full on the mouth.

“Sou-Sousuke!” Makoto pushes him away, and immediately freezes, horrified. “Oh my God! Did I hurt you? Are you sure you're okay now? Oh I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“I’m fine Mako. Healthy as ever. But, you are going to pay for that, you know. Right after I brush my teeth though.”

Sousuke ends up taking a shower. When he comes out wearing dark blue shorts and a black silk bathrobe (one of the few luxuries he allows himself in an otherwise minimalist life), Makoto is napping on the couch in front of the TV, his coffee still untouched. Sousuke changes the channel to watch the local news and enjoys the coffee and donuts his boyfriend has brought for him.

Watching Makoto sleep with his glasses still on is a soothing experience for Sousuke. But it isn’t enough just to watch. Slowly, deliberately, Sousuke leans over the sleeping Makoto, kisses him softly on the lips, and carefully removes his glasses. Then Sousuke finds himself lifting up Makoto's shirt and pushing his hands underneath, slowly caressing his abdomen, his chest, until he finds Makoto’s nipples. As Sousuke pinches them softly, Makoto makes an almost purring sound, which turns into a low moan as Sousuke increases the pressure.

“Unh…mmmm…S-Souske? What are you doing?”

Sousuke quickly withdraws his hands, but is pleased to see the slight bulge forming in Makoto’s pants.

“Taking advantage of the situation, I suppose.” Sousuke smirks and climbs on top of Makoto before he's fully awake, nimble as a cat.

“You’re so full of clichés, you pervert.” Makoto doesn’t push him back, so Sousuke lunges in for a kiss, wet and hungry. Grinding his own bulge into Makoto’s crotch, Sousuke feels like his desire will overflow and overreach his strength.

“Take off your clothes, Makoto. I need you.” Sousuke’s voice is thick and hoarse, so full of lust that the words sound like low grunts. Makoto goes numb all over, unable to do anything but let himself be commanded by that voice. Halfway through the undressing, Sousuke takes over, ripping off everything but Makoto’s underwear. The pastel green boxers are wet where Makoto’s bulge is throbbing through the fabric. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes are glazed over, whimpering and moaning under Sousuke’s hands.

“God, you’re driving me crazy looking like that Mako.” Sousuke bends over Makoto’s crotch, licking and lightly biting the hardness without taking off Makoto’s boxers.

“Unh…Sousuke… Take them off first, they’ll get dirty.”

“So?”

“W-what do you…unhh…Sousuke…aahhhh…mmmm…”

“I guess you’re enjoying this, then?”

Makoto’s only response is even more intensified moaning. Sousuke can feel his own hardness push uncomfortable against the shorts he’s wearing under his robe. With his teeth, he pulls Makoto’s underwear down, just enough to let his erect cock out, dripping with precum. With one hand, Sousuke pushes his own shorts down, growling in anticipation.

He lifts Makoto’s legs on either side of his shoulders, all thought of physical discomfort completely forgotten. Once again, Sousuke uses his mouth to shift the already-sticky boxers around to expose Makoto’s entrance, and sticks his tongue right in, licking without any control.

“Soouuskkee…unhhh…what’re you doing…” Makoto is breathless, one arm thrown across his face in sheer embarrassment, his stomach slick with the wetness dripping from the tip of his cock.

There is no time for words, and Sousuke lowers Makoto’s hips just enough so that his own penis is in contact with Makoto’s. He thrusts on top of Makoto, the contact between them sending them both spiraling out of control, moaning, sucking on each other’s tongues, gasping for breath long enough to call out each other’s names.

“Can I…uhhh…go in, Mako? I want to be inside you.”

Biting his lower lip to suppress another moan, Makoto nods, looking right at Sousuke. Sliding inside Makoto’s opening, Sousuke feels like his entire being is being swallowed up by his lover. They are both already pushed past their limits. It only takes a couple of thrusts before Makoto cums and a couple before for Sousuke to climax. Just before he cums, Sousuke pulls out, covering Makoto’s stomach and chest with his ejaculate before collapsing on top of him.

Sticky with sweat and cum, they stay together like that until their breathing evens out. Kissing long after that, Sousuke still on top of Makoto, times slips by them without notice.

Finally, Makoto manages to ease himself out from underneath Sousuke and attempts to get up, but Sousuke sits up just in time, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him back into his lap.

“Sousuke! We already ruined your couch. Let me get cleaned up now.”

“But I’m not done with you yet.” Sousuke’s hands find Makoto’s nipples once more, twisting and pressing down on them as Makoto tries to pull his dirty boxers back on.

“Okay, fine, but can we have a quick break first? I need to go to the washroom, please.”

“Go here.”

“Are you out of your mind? You are such a pervert!!”

“I was kidding! Honest!”

“Somehow, I don’t believe you.”

“Doesn’t that make you the pervert, Mako?”

“You’re such a bastard!”

“Okay, okay. Can we bathe together then? That’s my condition for letting you go.”

“After you clean the couch.”

“What’s the point when we’re just going to mess it up again?”

“You have a bed Sousuke!!! We will be using that from now on!”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so.”

“Hey, sleep over tonight.”

“And if I don’t?”

“I have handcuffs, you know.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Sousuke’s grip around Makoto tightens as he begins to kiss him all over again. By the time Makoto finally manages to drag Sousuke to the bath, they’re both twice as sticky as before and completely exhausted.

_The way we burn together, as if melting into each other- it feels as if nothing before this has been real. No kiss, no touch, no sigh has meant anything until we found our way back to each other._


	16. Looking Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now you're looking away  
> Could you plan an escape  
> From the places you've known  
> Where they know your mistakes?
> 
> Say No to Love- The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

“Hey how come we never do this at your apartment, Mako?” Sousuke is lying on his stomach, looking at Makoto’s flushed cheeks, admiring the tousled sweaty hair clinging to his forehead after their lovemaking.

“Because…”

“Because why? It’s been a month now and I have yet to witness the inner sanctum that is your bedroom.”

“It’s always a mess and it would be embarrassing, that’s why.”

“So clean it up.”

“Nope.”

“But I wanna do stuff to you in _your_ bed. I wanna see where you live. I wanna bend you over your kitchen counter and…”

“Stop it, Sousuke. I already said no, okay?”

Makoto no longer sounds playful. Getting up quickly, he dresses himself and picks up his jacket.

“What, you’re leaving _now_?”

“I have work in the morning, and so do you.”

“What’s with the mood suddenly?”

“I’m just not up for banter right now, Sousuke. And it’s getting a bit tiring, doing this every other day.”

“Having sex with me is tiring for you now?”

“Yes.”

“Did I do something wrong Makoto?”

“Ugh. No. I just…I need a break Sousuke. This is moving too fast.”

“What do you mean…”

“What I just said. I think I need to be on my own for a while.”

“Is this a test of some kind? Because if it is, I need you to tell me straight up Makoto. I’m not good at playing games.”

“I am not playing games with you Sousuke. I’m telling you how I feel. I’m overwhelmed. I think I would like some time to myself, to figure things out in my head.”

“What does that mean? Figure what out?”

“What it is we’re doing together.”

“But that’s simple isn’t it Makoto? Isn’t it? We’re in love and we like being together. That’s true, isn’t it?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Oh.”

“I should go now Sousuke. I…I’ll call you, or something.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week passes. Then two. Sousuke stays away because that’s what Makoto wants, but he is starting to become afraid. Losing Makoto so soon after finally getting together is not something he is prepared for.

“Hey Sou, come over for dinner tonight. The rest of the boys are dropping by too. It’ll be nice to see Makoto right? You two can play footsies under the table or whatever it is newlyweds do.” Rin pokes Sousuke's arm, bringing him back to reality.

“I…um…Makoto and I…I haven’t seen him for a while Rin.”

“What do you mean? He’s around isn’t he? He was over just last night, helping Midori with a history project.”

“He…asked me to give him space. And I haven’t heard from him in two weeks.”

“Oh…”

“Is that bad?”

“Why don’t you pop over to his apartment with some chocolate or something? I know he’s asking for space, but you can’t just give up either. What if he thinks you don’t miss him? You do miss him, right?”

“Of course I do. I just…it would be awkward if I just showed up at his place. Especially because he hasn’t told me where he lives…”

“What…wait, wait…you’re saying you haven’t been to his apartment yet?”

“Is that bad?”

“Why do you keep asking me that? Yes it’s bad you moron!”

“What do I do then? Help me!”  

“Did you say anything weird to him? Did you try something kinky that he wasn’t ready for? Did you cuff him to the bed? ‘Cause that does NOT work, you know. Tried and tested. Got kicked in the balls. Couldn’t walk for a day.”

“You and Haru are an odd pair. Has anyone ever told you that?”

“Yes. Our own children think we’re unfit to be a couple. But there you go.”

“What do I do about Makoto? I’m already pushed past my limit. Help me, Rin! I’m going crazy!”

“Is this about love or libido?”

“Both?”

“Hmmmm. Well come over tonight and try talking to him I guess? I’ll see what I can do. If he’s withdrawing like this, it’s probably not good. We’ve seen him do this before. Makoto doesn’t break up with people- he just kinda drifts away from them until it’s over.”

“Was that supposed to be an encouraging statement Rin? Because it wasn’t.”

“No it was not. It’s a warning. If you let him retreat, you probably will lose him Sousuke.”

“B-but things were going so well! How could he just…”

“Who can tell with him, really? He’s much more internalized now than he was before. We were hoping it was going to better now that you’re in his life. I guess that’s not how it is.”

“I’m not going to let that happen. I won’t let him get away from me. It’s not fair.”

“Well, that’s the spirit I guess. We should get going now, anyway. It’s already 5 and Haru wants me to pick up some dessert.”

“Yeah, okay.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Of course Makoto is there before everyone else, smiling happily, busy with Haru in the kitchen. Sousuke stays at the periphery of things, trying his best to remain unnoticed, so he can go on observing Makoto without being acknowledged, without making things awkward.

Of course, it cannot last forever, though Sousuke would prefer it this way. To be able to watch Makoto smiling, even from the outside, is better than losing sight of him for good.

“Sousuke, you’re here.” It’s Makoto who speaks first, making his way towards Sousuke, wearing Haru’s spare green apron with cherries on the front. Sousuke steels himself for the inevitable coldness.

So it’s a surprise when Makoto walks up to him and pulls him in for a chaste little kiss on the lips.

“Ewwww uncle Mako, not you too!” Shinji runs at them quickly and pulls them apart with every bit of strength he can muster in his slender little hands.

The way Makoto tosses his head to the side laughing, the way his cheeks flush pink at the sight of Sousuke, pretending as if everything is fine…it’s infuriating.

Sousuke grabs Makoto by the wrist and drags him outside.

“What the hell are you playing at?”

They’re at the back of the house, out of sight and sound. Sousuke pushes Makoto against the wall, leaning in close, breathing heavily, his face burning with anger and pent up longing.

“Well? Answer me, Makoto. What was that? Two weeks of nothing. No response to my messages, no answering my calls. Nothing. And now you have the audacity to pretend that nothing happened? That it’s all fine? Do you do this to everyone you go out with or am I just special that way?” Sousuke knows he doesn’t mean most of what he’s saying, but he wants to get an answer out of Makoto. 

“I…I’m sorry.” Even though Makoto is looking down, Sousuke can see the tears starting to well in his eyes.

“No, no, don’t you dare cry, Mako.” Sousuke pulls him in, holding him close, slowly rubbing his back.

Makoto returns the hug, crying softly into Sousuke’s shoulder.

“I shouldn’t have said all that Makoto. I just…I was so frustrated and worried that you were done with me. Why did you…cut me off like that Mako? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me what I did and I swear I won’t ever again. Please, I can’t be the one to make you cry. I can’t bear this.”

“No, Sousuke. You didn't do anything. I’m the one who's a mess. I thought I wasn’t anymore but that’s not true. I wanted to take some time away to make sure how I felt. If I could live without you by my side…But I can’t. It’s been so hard, Sousuke. But I had to see. Please say you understand that?”

“I wish you’d have told me.”

“I’m sorry. I’d been trying to keep you away for so long, it felt like too much. Having you with me all of sudden, being with you all the time, being close to you. You probably think I’m stupid, but I get carried away by my own fears. I wanted to see if I could be by myself again. But I can’t. I haven’t been able to sleep properly. I’m scared Sousuke. I’m scared…”

“Of what?”

“Of you…of you leaving me, changing your mind about loving me. I don’t know what I’d do. I just don’t know. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry.”

“I will never leave Makoto. I swear. I will not leave you. I’ve waited for you for so long. I won’t just wake up one day and not love you anymore. Loving you is in my blood. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone else, Mako. It’s only ever been you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I thought…I waited for you to come after me. When you didn’t, I thought…”

“You asked me to give you space. So that’s what I did. I haven’t been considerate in the past, so I wanted to respect your wishes. If I knew…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I should never have let you leave like that. I’m sorry Makoto. I’m sorry I made you hurt again.”

“I wish I was stronger Sousuke. But I’m not.”

“I’m strong enough for the both of us. For the rest of our lives, let me take care of you. Trust me and rely on me and don’t hide from me again. And if you try to run from me again, I won’t let you. I love you. Believe that.”

“I do. I will.”

“Let’s go back inside then, before Haru comes after me with a meat cleaver and tries to do me in for kidnapping you or something.”

Sousuke lifts Makoto’s chin up and wipes away the tears.

Everyone notices Makoto’s puffed up face and the way he’s holding Sousuke’s hand, but no one says anything. Haru has already threatened the children into silence, knowing to expect something like this.

Makoto and Sousuke excuse themselves quickly after dinner to head back together. Since Sousuke drove up with Rin, Makoto offers to take him back.

“Hey Makoto, can I come to your place tonight?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I miss sleeping in your bed. I want to go with you tonight, Sousuke. Please take me home.”

 

_Like waves crashing at the shore with the tide coming in, I find my heart always yearning, always coming back to you, no matter the distance._


	17. The Way Love Comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You tiptoe for ages and lose yourself  
> Flipping back pages, unbuckling belts
> 
> Oh love, that's the way love comes  
> Do you, don't you know that that's the way love comes?  
> Do you feel it black and blue?  
> Or do you, do you, do you, do you...
> 
> Do You- Spoon

“Okay, I’m beginning to understand why you didn’t let me come to your apartment until now.”

“Oh shut up!”

It’s been a week since they reconciled, for good this time, Sousuke finds himself constantly hoping. Makoto’s apartment is a disaster, to say the least. It is also very small, and very cramped, overflowing with what primarily appears to be useless crap.

“What is all this stuff? Why do you have so many…what is all this?” Sousuke stares around Makoto room, utterly baffled. Among the piles and piles of books-ranging from the brand new to the utterly falling apart- lined up against the walls (since the shelves are not enough to contain them), and the stacks of manga littering the floor, is a host of plushies and figures which Sousuke considers utterly shameful for a grown man to possess. Only now that the grown man in question is Makoto, Sousuke thinks it to be the cutest thing ever.

“Well are you just going to stand there judging me or are you going to help clean up?” Makoto is standing in the midst of the mess like an overgrown child, smirking delightedly at the variety of expressions chasing each other across Sousuke’s face, shifting from horror to amusement to exasperation

“Yeah, yeah fine. And what will I get in return for helping you?” Sousuke walks up to Makoto, sliding his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, drawing him in close, kissing his neck just below the left earlobe.

“If you keep misbehaving this way, you will get nothing, you pervert.” Makoto tries to keep breathing evenly, knowing that Sousuke is purposely aggravating him, kissing one of his weak spots so ostentatiously. Makoto knows unless he puts a stop to this right now, he’ll end up on the floor, a sticky and breathless mess under the weight of Sousuke’s warm body. Part of him wants to give in to the temptation.

“Fine, fine. You win. Err…how do you want to start?” Sousuke relents and gives in almost immediately, making Makoto bite his lip in momentary regret. Now that he thinks about it, he would rather let Sousuke do unspeakable things to him on top of this rubbish heap, and then go back to his clean and tidy apartment to spend the night instead of bothering to clean up his own living space.

Makoto knows that underneath all this reluctance to bring Sousuke back to his place is an unspoken desire to stay with Sousuke on a permanent basis. But Makoto cannot say the words just yet, especially when Sousuke has been so eager over the last few days to come to Makoto’s apartment instead. Maybe he’s sick of having Makoto around all the time, lounging about in his living room, having tea, watching TV, reading in bed on weekend afternoons after sleeping in, while Sousuke goes out for a jog, eating the meals Sousuke cooks without complaining…

Sousuke probably considers Makoto a freeloading burden. This sudden anxiety grips the bottom of Makoto’s stomach, and renders him temporarily speechless- distractedly staring at Sousuke’s bent form busy picking up discarded clothes off the floor.

“What are you spacing out for, idiot? Come, help. It’s your place after all.” Sousuke lifts his head up to give Makoto a once over. Something about Makoto’s smile troubles him, reminding him of back when they were younger- back when he was so good at hurting Makoto so pointlessly and so often.

“Nothing, nothing. I guess if you can take care of the clothes and sheets, I can try to organize my books and stuff so they’re not acting as a makeshift carpet.” While he talks, Makoto smiles the same old smile. It could fool almost anyone. Only Sousuke isn't just anyone- not anymore. Just as a cloud drifting across the sun’s face, Makoto’s eyes flicker in and out of focus, lighting up warm and bright once again, almost making Sousuke believe nothing is wrong.

But Sousuke knows how to read those beautiful green eyes now- that undefeated smile, the slight tilt of the brunet’s head, the way he bites his lip when he’s trying hard not to moan during their lovemaking, the nervous way he clenches his fists for just a second to ease the tension he cannot bring himself to put into words…Sousuke has spent all this time carefully documenting Makoto, as though he is learning a new language- a sacred vocabulary that is his and only his to document.

Sousuke also knows by now that Makoto usually flinches and dodges questions about uncomfortable subjects. He has to be lured in like a rabbit into a trap before Sousuke can interrogate him about what’s bothering him. Makoto’s defenses are most weakened right after they’ve had sex, their bodies still wet and hot resting together, his head against Sousuke’s chest. That’s when Makoto answers everything that is asked of him without any reservations. Probably because he feels safest in Sousuke’s arms. Sousuke jealously wonders if Makoto’s other lovers know this, if Makoto has been just as trusting in someone else’s embrace. Sousuke knows he has doesn’t have anyone to blame but himself for this- but still, with the blind certainty of a lover’s intuition, Sousuke feels sure that Makoto is only like this with him. There is no more room for doubt left in this relationship.

After 4 hours of continuous work- punctuated by water breaks, Sousuke stealing a few kisses here and there from an unsuspecting Makoto, and Makoto revengefully smacking his butt when Sousuke’s looking the other way- they manage to get everything organized, vacuumed and dusted.

Makoto collapses on his double bed with a heavy sigh as soon as Sousuke finishes the cleaning process by changing the sheets. Sousuke lies on his side next to him, propped up on his elbow, smiling fondly at Makoto’s exhausted, grimacing face.

“Well, how about my reward now?” Sousuke leans down to initiate a kiss. Makoto responds lazily, opening his mouth a little bit, letting Sousuke do most of the work. Sousuke’s arms wrap themselves around Makoto’s waist as the kiss intensifies, and he thrusts a knee between Makoto’s thighs, moving it rhythmically as Makoto begins to let out low, whispery moans.

“Unnhh, So-Sousuke, unhh, mppphh, stop, you’re gonna…” Makoto’s face is already red and sweaty from cleaning up the apartment. He feels helpless against Sousuke’s invasion, his mind beginning to go blank with the combined onslaught of their shared desire.

“I’m gonna what?” Sousuke breaks the kiss to look at Makoto’s agitated, aroused face, enjoying the slightly parted lips glistening with traces of both their saliva, flushed cheeks, chest heaving under the thing fabric of his pale green cotton t-shirt. Sousuke’s knee remains where it is, moving against Makoto’s growing bulge.

“Unnhh why do you-uhh- have to make me-unnh- say it every time- uhhhnhhh- pervert…” Seeing Makoto lose control this way because of him is Sousuke’s favorite thing. He smiles indulgently before resuming their kiss.

"Do you want me to make you come Makoto?" 

"Unh...at least let me take off my pants..."

"Not a chance,"

Sousuke keeps moving his knee, and reaches a hand under Makoto's shirt to rub his nipples, while sucking on his tongue breathlessly. Then he unzips Makoto's jeans and reaches down to fondle the hardness between Makoto's legs. Makoto moans Sousuke's name as he comes, still wearing his underwear. 

“You made me all dirty, you pervert.” Makoto pouts at Sousuke, pushing him away and sitting up.

“Is that any way to thank your boyfriend for giving you such unadulterated pleasure? Why don’t you come back and return the favor, Mako?” Sousuke winks at Makoto, pointing towards his own pants.   

“Take care of it yourself, you asshole! I’m going to shower.”

“Can I join you at least?”

“Absolutely not!”

As Makoto runs towards the washroom, Sousuke quickly walks up behind him, grabs him by the waist and pulls him in for another kiss, his hardness pressed against Makoto. 

Makoto ends up giving Sousuke head in the shower. Everything about Sousuke makes Makoto weak in the knees. Anything that is asked of him- Makoto cannot seem to refuse Sousuke at all.

Afterwards, freshly showered, sitting on the floor of Makoto’s bedroom in t-shirts and sweatpants, they share a quick meal of store-bought onigiri and some sake Makoto has located in his kitchen. While organizing Makoto's belongings, they have found some old school albums under the bed. After finishing their meal, they flip through the pictures, reliving days gone by.

Makoto settles himself between Sousuke’s legs, his head against Sousuke’s chest, his hair pleasantly tickling his boyfriend’s chin. Sousuke’s arms around Makoto, one hand carelessly tucked underneath the hem of Makoto’s t-shirt to feel the warm skin underneath, they laugh together, trying to think only of the good times.

There is one photograph of all of them, taken after a joint practice- the Samezuka relay team posing alongside the Iwatobi boys. Sousuke’s eyes linger on the Makoto in the photograph, standing to the side, all on his own, one arm gripping the other, looking slightly sideways to where Rin has his arm around Sousuke, both of them smiling happily at the camera.

Makoto’s form against him feels fragile all of sudden, and Sousuke remembers the photograph was taken shortly after their confrontation- after Sousuke said all those things to Makoto outside the Samezuka dormitory.

And all Makoto had done was try to help him.

He takes the album away from Makoto’s hands, and tightens his grip around Makoto, kissing the top of his head.

“What’s this all of a sudden?” Even though Makoto is trying to sound cheerful, Sousuke can hear his voice breaking.

“I love you, Mako. Let me hold you. Let me take back the pain I’ve caused. I love you so much.”

“It’s in the past now. I don’t want to think about that. We’re together _now_ , aren’t we Sou? Let's just focus on that.”

“Then tell me you love me. Tell me you forgive the brat that I was. Tell me you’ll always be mine.”

“You already know that.”

“I want to hear you say it, Mako.”

“You always get what you want, don’t you Sou?”

“That’s right.”

Loosening Sousuke’s grip around him, Makoto turns around to face his boyfriend, leaning in to whisper into Sousuke’s hungry ears the words he is asking for.

It’s enough to just hold Makoto close, to hear his halting words overflowing with love, to kiss him over and over again.

Late at night, in Makoto’s bed, Sousuke brings over two cups of matcha and Makoto’s favorite chocolate tarts he’s bought from before and hidden in the car as a surprise. They watch a favorite episode of a favorite anime they both liked as teenagers and have decided to re-experience together as boyfriends. Laughing with each other now, sharing all these little intimacies, Sousuke feels like the past can be reclaimed. Even though he can never take back the hurt he’s caused, he can give Makoto small joys every day to make up for that.

Sousuke stays up long after Makoto has fallen asleep next to him, watching the slight smile on his lover’s face, the flicker of his dreaming eyelids, the way he clutches onto Sousuke’s sleeve even while sleeping deeply. These little things, the sweetness of savoring these little bits and pieces of Makoto’s life- what could possibly be more important than this? Boundless love weighs down Sousuke’s heart, drowning into Makoto, knowing that the green-eyed man owns him so completely that if they ever part, Sousuke’s heart will slip right out of his chest and follow Makoto to the ends of the earth.

_For every breath I’ve breathed away from you, I’ll give you a fragment of my heart, until it belongs to you and you alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thanks to my favorite cousin for helping me get over my writer's block by offering cute little prompts for this chapter. Sorry M, I ended up including a little bit of smut anyway.


	18. The Dead Lights of the Afterglow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Afterlife, I think I saw what happens next  
> It was just a glimpse of you  
> Like looking through a window  
> Or a shallow sea  
> Could you see me?
> 
> Afterlife- Arcade Fire

The handcuffs are Makoto’s idea.

Ever since Sousuke jokingly threatened to use them on him, Makoto’s fantasies have been overpopulated with his helpless, handcuffed self being taken advantage of by a uniformed Sousuke teasing him, bending him over, doing what he pleases...

The night before, Sousuke came over to Makoto’s straight from work. And now, on this bright Saturday morning, they have decided to cancel their brunch plans with Nagisa and Rei to stay in and try out Makoto’s fantasy.

Makoto is sprawled on his back on the living room floor, his wrists straining against the cold metal of the cuffs, his t-shirt pushed up to reveal his chest, his pants around his ankles, his bulge throbbing through the damp fabric of his boxers.

Sousuke is taking his time, licking and biting Makoto’s nipples in turn. He loves paying special attention to them during their foreplay because he knows how embarrassed Makoto gets when he does it, blushing and hiding his face to prevent Sousuke from seeing how much he likes it.

“Sou, please, stop already…unh…at this rate I’ll…unh…”

“I wanna see if I can make you cum just by playing with your nipples today, Mako.”

“N-unnh…not cool, Sou…stop…unhhh, stop it…”

Sousuke ignores Makoto’s protestations, and carries on, stopping now and then to have a look at the way Makoto’s scrunching his eyes shut, his face red from pleasure, his lips parted, panting, moaning.

They’re so completely lost in each other that nothing else registers until it’s too late.

“Onii-chan…”

“Onii-chan! Ren, do something! He’s being attacked!”

Something pointed and heavy makes contact with the back of Sousuke’s head and he’s suddenly seeing stars instead of Makoto’s “I’m-about-to-cum-don’t-stop-Sou” face.

“Sousuke! Are you okay? What the hell are you brats doing here? Get out!” Makoto is too angry to feel embarrassed about being caught in such a state by both his siblings.

After being attacked by Ran and her favorite high-heeled shoe, Sousuke is too zoned out to clearly understand what’s going on.

“Didn’t I warn you about the handcuff thing, Sousuke? You never listen. Tsk tsk.” After the very red-faced and agitated twins have fled their older brother’s apartment in a flurry of mortification and horror, Rin remains leaning against the door frame, laughing his head off.

“You too, Rin! Out!” Makoto is seething with anger, trying to stop himself from running at Rin and ripping his throat out with his teeth.

“Weren’t those two supposed to get here tomorrow?” Sousuke, having recovered his sense of self and his place in the universe, starts putting two and two together.

“Rin, you could have at least told them to knock?” Makoto asks exasperatedly, having given up the intention to murder Rin.

“What, and missed all the fun? Not a chance, Mako. Wait till I tell Haru about this.” Rin is enjoying himself a little too much.

“Yeah, you do that. You tell him exactly what you saw. That’ll turn out great, Rin. I’m sure he’ll love hearing about Makoto in handcuffs, pinned under me. That’ll be a great laugh for the pair of you.” Sousuke knows how protective Haru is of Makoto, and smirks as he watches Rin’s laughing face change into a pale mask of deathly dread.

“Oh…ummm…I’ll be on my way then. I’ll take care of those two for you, Mako. Lunch’s at ours. So, umm…hurry up, I guess.” Rin quickly leaves, thinking of ways to make what will be a very awkward lunch even more so, his devilish smirk falling back into place.

“Uncuff me Sousuke, honestly. No one can ruin the mood faster than my siblings. They used to do this all the time when I was dating their…” Makoto stops short at the look on Sousuke’s face. Even though Sousuke made a point of telling Makoto about his past relationships (not many and none very serious at all) when they started dating, Makoto has completely refrained from talking about his own dalliances.

Sousuke feels a throbbing pain in his chest, and his eyes suddenly turn hard as he looks at Makoto.

“I’m not done yet, Mako. I wanna finish this first.”

“B-but Sou…”

Sousuke is much more dominating when they start over again, taking charge, doing what he wants, his expression never changing, silent and determined. It turns out that Makoto can, in fact, cum just from having his nipples teased and being kissed rather roughly. With Makoto still in handcuffs, Sousuke effortlessly carries him to the shower. Sousuke shows no sign of stopping, sucking Makoto's cock, teasing him, bending him over to fuck him, until Makoto’s knees give way, and he has to be carried back to bed.

“What’s come over you Sousuke?” Makoto looks a little worried at the stony expression on his lover’s face as Sousuke uncuffs him.

“You liked it, didn’t you?” Sousuke stares at Makoto’s face, a hint of uncertainty in his eyes.

“Well, yes. But…”

“But what?”

“Why are you acting like this? It’s not a big deal if Ren and Ran saw us. It’s not the first time they’ve accidentally walked in on me…”

“Yeah, you already said.”

“Oh…”

“What?”

“You’re jealous, Sou-kun.”

“And so what if I am?”

“I like you when you’re jealous.”

“That so?”

“Mhm.”

Sousuke feels himself relax looking at Makoto’s pleased smile, having Makoto put his arms around his neck, leaning in for a kiss.

“Say you’re mine.”

“I’m yours Sou.”

“Say I’m the best you’ve ever had.”

Makoto blushes and laughs.

“You are, you know.”

“Damn right, I am.”

 

 

By the time they get to Haru and Rin’s, everyone else is already sitting at the table, having soup.

“Sorry we’re late. We were busy with some stuff.” Sousuke looks right at Rin’s laughing face while sitting down between Shinji and Makoto.

“What stuff, uncle Sou?” Ryu’s curiosity surpasses his enthusiasm for food and his fear of Haru’s glare.

“Yeah, Sou, what stuff?” Rin leans forward, elbows on the table, looking back at Sousuke with feigned interest.

An awkward silence falls over the table as Makoto blushes and drops his spoon on the floor.

“Uncle Mako wasn’t feeling well, Ryu. So I had to give some _special_ medicine to make him better.” Sousuke answers with a straight face, retrieving Makoto’s spoon and kissing him lightly on the cheek.

“That was very nice of you, Uncle Sou.” Shinji expresses his approval by patting Sousuke on the shoulder.

“When you two get married, can I move in with you? You can adopt me. I’m bored with this family.” Midori crosses her arms and sighs in dejection, shaking her head.

“None of my children are getting adopted by anyone else, missy. You stay right where you are.” Rin ruffles his daughter’s head while glaring at Sousuke.

Ren and Ran are sitting across the table from Makoto and Sousuke, trying not to make eye contact, playing with their food. Nagisa and Rei look at each other in utter confusion, unable to comprehend why the atmosphere is so tense. Looking very irritable, Haru starts shoving spoonfuls of soup into a protesting Ryu’s mouth.

“I don’t understand this onii-chan. Why would you date _him_ of all people?” Ran slams her fist on the table and finally looks up at her brother.

“Who I date or don’t date is not your business Ran.” Makoto looks as if he’s going to cry- his face pale and overshadowed with pain.

“It’s because she’s worried about you. I’m worried about you too. You always do this, onii-chan. You always end up hurting yourself. You should have stuck to Matsuda-san. I still don’t understand why you broke up with him.” Ren looks over at Sousuke as he speaks, his eyes narrowed in hatred.

“And what exactly is wrong with your brother dating me? I’d like you to acknowledge my presence while you complain about me, at least.” Sousuke takes a hold of Makoto’s hand to stop him from shaking.

“Other than you being an asshole who broke his heart? I don’t know. What could possibly be the reason?” Ran’s eyes are brimming with tears, her expression reflecting the same anguish taking over Makoto’s face.

“Enough. That is really quite enough. I do not know how this started, but my dinner table, in front of my children, is not the place to discuss this matter. I suggest that you all shut up and finish the food I worked all morning to make for you.” Haru barely raises his voice, but his words are final, and everyone knows that.

They all finish lunch in silence, avoiding each other’s eyes.

Sousuke had always thought meeting Makoto’s family would be a nerve-wracking experience, but despite that, he is not prepared to face this level of animosity. Though he knows he deserves it, he still cannot help think it unfair of Ren and Ran to condemn him without giving him a chance.

He cannot be the reason Makoto is unhappy. He cannot be someone who creates tension between Makoto and his family- especially his adored siblings.

But he’s not going to give Makoto up either.

_I will forfeit everything I have for you, but I will never let you leave my side._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the few of you who are also reading "Dark Heart, Bright Eyes", I am so sorry for not being able to update it so far. I was suffering from an intense case of writer's block (and during SouMako week on tumblr too- how shameful), but I think I've recovered from it now. I cannot promise anything for sure, but I should be updating it with two more chapters over the weekend to make up for the delay.  
> Meanwhile, I hope you enjoyed this update.


	19. Reckless Abandon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of love  
> A dream  
> A laugh  
> A kiss  
> A cry  
> Our rights  
> Our wrongs...
> 
> Sweet Disposition- The Temper Trap

“I simply won’t allow it Mako.” Sousuke is standing in Makoto’s bedroom, arms crossed, frowning furiously.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t remember asking your permission.” Makoto pushes him back slightly, trying to make his way to the door.

“Then I’ll go with you.” Sousuke refuses to budge, and grabs a hold of Makoto jacket, pulling him back into an uncomfortably tight embrace.

“I said no already, Sousuke. Don’t you even trust me that much?” Makoto struggles against his captor’s arms, ever so gently, remembering the surgery scar marking Sousuke’s body.

“I trust you. I don’t trust _him_ though. Or those two.” Sousuke’s right hand stealthily moves towards Makoto’s crotch as he starts nibbling softly on his boyfriend’s earlobe.

“Sousuke! Will you stop it please?” Makoto is caught between a burning desire for this jealous man holding on to him for dear life, and the obligation he has to his siblings. It’s so easy to give in to his wants when he’s being held by Sousuke like this. If they stay like this forever, just the two of them, wouldn’t it be so simple? If the world was just the two of them…

But it isn’t like that. Makoto cares about his family, especially his brother and sister. It has been distracting him endlessly that they are unhappy because of him. His time with Sousuke leaves him riddled with guilt and exasperation. He knows he must settle this, and soon.

“I still don’t understand why your parents invited _him_ to dinner. _I’m_ your boyfriend. It’s like they don’t even know I exist.” Sousuke stops trying to provoke Makoto into having sex, and helplessly slides his arms around Makoto’s waist, placing his chin on Makoto’s shoulder, pouting angrily.

“Umm…Sou, don’t be mad…but…I haven’t told my parents about you yet…” Makoto lets the words drift out of his mouth. They hang above them both like ominously, like heavy thunderclouds threatening a storm. Sousuke released Makoto from his arms.

“You haven’t told them…”

“Sousuke…”

“Why not?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Why. Not.”

“Sousuke, can we please not do this right now?”

“Right. Fine. I’ll wait. After you’re done with this little reunion, or date, or set-up with Matsuda, you can explain to me why you’re ashamed of dating me and being seen with me.” Sousuke walks out of the bedroom huffily, and plops down on the living room couch, his face unusually red with the anger building up inside him.

“Sousuke don’t be like this. Please.” Makoto doesn’t have the heart to leave things the way they are. He walks over to Sousuke and leans in for a kiss. He does not expect a response, but he tries it anyway. Leaving Sousuke without kissing him doesn’t feel right.

Sousuke turns his face away, and Makoto sighs dejectedly as he gives up and makes for the door.

It doesn’t feel right at all. It’s not fair to make him choose like this between his boyfriend and his family. But for Makoto, family (and Haru) will always come first, and even though Sousuke has been aware of this, actually realizing it is nothing short of feeling punched in the gut. Because as far as Sousuke is concerned, nothing takes precedence where Makoto is concerned. Nothing. He would stop breathing just to see Makoto smile. Going into this relationship, Sousuke knew their feelings were not evenly matched. But he took the risk anyway. And now it’s too late. He’s too caught up, and he has to pay the price.

And paying the price hurts like hell.

He hasn’t smoked since he joined the force, but he feels so weak. Cursing himself internally for not kissing Makoto back, for not restraining him and carrying him off to bed, for letting him go- Sousuke pulls on a hoodie and storms out to the nearest convenience store.

Buying a pack of his preferred cigarettes and cheap black coffee, he finds himself walking aimlessly towards Makoto’s family home. If he’s caught, he can always pretend he was going to see Rin.

For an indecisive hour, he wanders along the beach, unable to think properly. Giving up, half-determined to barge into Makoto’s house and interrupt the dinner, he walks up to the torii overlooking the ocean. The sky is moonless, glittering with an array of stars, their silvery light reflected in the surface of the water.

“This is not right. I’m being stupid. I should go back and wait for him.” Sousuke mumbles to himself as he leans against the metal railing, breathing out smoke through his nostrils.

When he hears the footsteps approach, he decides to head back immediately.

But then he hears Makoto’s sweet, tinkling laugh, hears two happy, quiet voices approaching.

“Matsu-san, really, I can’t believe you still remember that.”

“Do you really expect me to forget anything about you, Makoto?”

“Matsu-san, stop…”

“Makoto, please.”

“I…I already told you, I’m with someone else now.”

“I know. But how can I help it, Makoto? I can’t control myself when it’s you. I’ve waited all this time. Hoping.”

“I’m sorry, Matsu-san, really. I hate the way I ended things with you. I was such a mess back then. I shouldn’t have left you like that…”

“You shouldn’t have left me at all…”

“Matsu-san…”

“Makoto…”

All of a sudden, all Sousuke sees red. Without thinking, without pausing, he rushes forward and pushes Matsuda away from Makoto.

“Don’t even think about touching him.” Standing between a thoroughly bewildered Makoto, and the dishevelled form of Matsuda- Makoto’s ex-boyfriend, his first real relationship, Ren and Ran’s high school teacher- Sousuke is breathing heavily, fighting the urge to beat Matsuda to a pulp.

“Sousuke, why are you here?” Makoto’s voice is suspicious, curt.

“Clearly, I’m here to witness a touching reunion between you and your precious Matsuda.”

“Sousuke…”

“Were you going to let him kiss you?” Sousuke can hear his voice breaking, his eyes stinging. 

“Sousuke…I see…” Matsuda picks himself up from the ground with surprising dignity. Even for someone 10 years older than Sousuke and Makoto, he is a good looking man. Straight hair brushed back to reveal a refined face. His voice is lilting, almost musical. His presence exudes comfort, his grey eyes are soft and smiling. He is as tall as Makoto, and looks sturdy. A good fit. Sousuke seethes with jealous rage, unbearably agitated.

“What do you see?” Sousuke angrily moves towards Matsuda again, ready to push him back down.

“So you finally found him, Makoto…I see now. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”

“No, I’m sorry Matsu-san. For the way I left things between us. For not making myself clear. For Ren and Ran too. I can’t believe they misled you like this. I’m so sorry.” Makoto puts a restraining hand on Sousuke’s arm, drawing him close.

“If you’re happy Makoto, then there’s nothing to apologize for. Though I have to say, I always held out hope. I always thought you would come back to me…”

“He didn’t and he won’t. So you can leave now.” Sousuke slides a possessive arm around Makoto’s waist, marking his territory.

“I can speak for myself, Sou, thanks.” Even though Makoto sounds annoyed, he doesn’t make a move to free himself from Sousuke’s firm grasp.

“Thank your parents for the invitation, Makoto. It was good to see you again.” Matsuda sneers at Sousuke, sighs, and turns to leave.

As soon as he disappears from sight, Sousuke pulls Makoto closer and kisses him ferociously, sloppily. Makoto doesn’t resist at all.

It feels incredibly exhilarating to see Sousuke act this way, to be kissed by Sousuke so intensely.

“Drop your pants and lean over, right there.” Sousuke pushes Makoto towards the railing, his eyes lit up with a fire Makoto has never seen in them before.

Whimpering softly, Makoto does as he’s told. The kiss has already made him hard. The way Sousuke is talking, the roughness of his touch- it all sends Makoto into a state of delirious desire. He forgets where he is, forgets all the stress, all the conflict from before.

As Makoto bends over, Sousuke pulls down his underwear and leans down, licking Makoto’s entrance. Makoto lets out an animal moan before he can stop himself.

“Be quiet. And don’t even think about touching yourself. You’re going to cum because of my cock in your ass tonight, and nothing else.” Sousuke places his hands on Makoto’s hips and enters him, thrusting forcefully.  

After he cums, Sousuke turns Makoto around and kneels down in front of him, taking Makoto in his mouth. Makoto grabs Sousuke’s hair with one hand, stifling his mouth with the other. Sousuke drinks down every drop.

It’s hasty. It’s clichéd. It’s exactly what they both need.

They walk back to Makoto’s, holding hands, quietly savoring each other’s nearness.

They bathe together, losing themselves once more.

“Do you know why I broke up with Matsu-san?” Lying in bed, facing Sousuke, running his fingers through the dark hair, Makoto brings up the unpleasant subject once more.

“Do I want to know?” Sousuke pouts, moving closer to Makoto.

“After Haru’s wedding…when we saw each other after all that time, properly…something happened to me, I don’t know…A few times, I…when I was with Matsu-san, I said your name when…”

“When what? You said my name when what?”

“When I came.”

“Ahhh…”

“Don’t look so pleased with yourself. It was horrid. It didn’t just happen once or twice either. And then I kinda just got up and left one day. Didn’t even leave a note. Just stopped seeing him. Because I saw you everywhere. It was as if I was being possessed by you. It was driving me crazy.”

“How many times did you say my name exactly? And how did you say it? The usual, breathy 'uh ohhh Sousuke' ? Or maybe a throaty moan? Unh unh Yamazaki-san, I’m cumming!” Sousuke does an almost pitch-perfect imitation of Makoto’s orgasmic moaning, making the green-eyed man blush and hide his face against Sousuke’s shirt.

“You are such a pervert, Sousuke!”

“What? I’m curious. Tell me. Or should I recreate the general circumstances and force a natural reaction out of you?”

“Get off me, you big baby!”

“Not gonna happen.”

There are still things to talk about, obstacles, complications- a lifetime of making messes and cleaning them up. But it does not matter, not really. As long as it ends with them seeking each other's arms. 

_The wandering years without you by my side. The distance, the absence, the ache of my pounding heart always always running after you…_

_Everything falls into place. The passing days glow in the shine of your eyes. With the rising moon, I look for you and understand, finally, that you were always with me…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify one aspect of this chapter concerning Makoto and Sousuke having sex at the end.  
> It is completely consensual. I thought it was implied already, given Makoto's desire to use handcuffs in the last chapter, that he is into rough sex. But I think it needs to be clarified further.  
> Yes Sousuke is rough and takes control, but it is very very important for me to clarify that if at any point Makoto had said "No Sousuke" or "stop", Sousuke would have listened immediately. He felt that Makoto was turned on after they kissed, so he went ahead. But they were both into it.  
> I also used the word 'cliched' for a good reason. I like playing with established cliches from the yaoi genre, and the jealous boyfriend initiating rough sex after meeting with an ex is pretty standard.


	20. You Take Me and I'll Take You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it is not a matter of  
> If you mean it  
> But it is only a matter of  
> Come and fuck me  
> And it is not a matter of  
> If you love it  
> But it is only a matter of  
> My fix...
> 
> No Eyes- Baths
> 
> [Note: I purposely chose a bleak-sounding song for this chapter, because the relationship between Sousuke and Makoto is still a bit unsettled and definitely very bitter-sweet. Their past casts shadows over their present, and they have to keep fighting against it.]

When Makoto wakes up in the morning, Sousuke is not sleeping next to him.

Knowing that Sousuke is an early riser, Makoto thinks nothing of this absence. Sousuke is probably getting them both coffee, feeling too lazy to make breakfast himself. Makoto showers and changes into sweatpants and a t-shirt, intending to spend the day at home, cuddling with Sousuke and reading.

By the time he’s done, Sousuke is back with coffee and an assortment of Makoto’s favorite donuts. Makoto thanks Sousuke with an overly thorough kiss.

“And what was that for, Tachibana-kun?” Sousuke smiles at Makoto, his arms still around the brunet.

“Just felt like it. By the way, I remember someone promising to make me cum with nothing but their cock in my ass last night. As I recall, that is not what happened, is it?” Makoto playfully moves up closer to Sousuke, grinding against his bulge, eliciting a throaty growl from the teal-eyed man.

“Makoto, the coffee is getting cold.” Sousuke’s mind is already going blank. Makoto’s skin is soft from the shower, smelling like his preferred cherry blossom scented body wash. His still-wet hair is pushed back and his breath is minty sweet.

“I think I’d prefer to drink something else right now.” Makoto’s hands move enticingly along the sides of Sousuke’s body as he kneels down in front of him, unzipping his pants with his teeth. He takes Sousuke’s cock out, and starts licking the tip, teasing slowly with his tongue. Sousuke’s knees go weak immediately, and he leans back against the kitchen counter as Makoto starts rubbing the shaft, alternately using his tongue on Sousuke’s tip and his balls, making the most lewd sounds imaginable.

“Stop Mako, I’m so close. I wanna cum inside you. Can I?”

Makoto stands up and moves beside Sousuke, taking off his sweatpants. He isn’t wearing anything underneath. As Makoto bends over the counter, Sousuke moves behind him. Spreading his legs apart, Makoto exposes himself completely to Sousuke’s hungry gaze. He licks his middle finger and inserts it into his entrance, making it slick and wet.

“That’s not going to be enough, Makoto.” Sousuke leans over Makoto’s back to whisper in his ear.  

“Stop talking and fuck me already.” Makoto hisses urgently, pushing himself back against Sousuke’s erection.

Sousuke enters Makoto, easing himself in slowly, drawing out the pleasure as much as he can. Then he begins to move, with Makoto responding to his movements by grinding harder against him.

“Make me cum, Sou-kun! Make me unnnhhh cum, please. Cum unnnhhh inside me. Unnnhhh please uhhhhh fill me up. I want you so badly, unhhhh…” Sousuke moves faster and faster, his hands on Makoto’s hips, in a frenzy of desire and overflowing want.

On instinct, Sousuke begins to pull out as he approaches orgasm, but Makoto pushes back into him, taking everything in, moaning uncontrollably.

They cum together.

“That’s better. You should keep your word from now on, Yamazaki-san.”

“Looks like you need another shower, Mako.”

“Why don’t you come with me?”

They’ve made love so many times in so few days, but with every instance, their passion intensifies. Learning each other’s bodies this way is fascinating, all-consuming.

Afterwards, as Makoto brews fresh coffee for them (the store bought lattes having been discarded), Sousuke contemplates the situation.

Regardless of the hostility expressed by Makoto’s brother and sister, he has to try and win them over. He also realizes that he needs to give Makoto time before he can meet the Tachibana clan properly. Do Makoto’s parents know as much as Ren and Ran about their past mishaps? Sousuke feels nauseous at the thought.

“Hey Mako, I want to see your bratty siblings again. Can I invite them to lunch today?”

“Are you insane? Have you already forgotten what they did at Haru’s?”

“I…It doesn’t feel right, Mako. I think I owe them an explanation. I was just thinking. If Haru had ever hurt Rin as badly as I hurt you, and then they got together, I would have reacted just like Ren and Ran. I mean…”

“Sousuke…”

“It’s true, Mako. I want another chance, to at least try and make things right with them. I need them to understand, no matter how stupid and horrid I was to you before, that I love you now. I would do anything for you. I love you so much…”

“I know Sousuke. Okay, fine. I give in. But I think I should be the one to call them and invite them over.” Makoto smiles at Sousuke as he pours the coffee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lunch is simple, having been hastily prepared by Sousuke. Miso soup and beef curry. The twins have agreed to drop by, even offering to bring dessert.

Sousuke is sweating nervously after changing into a button down shirt and slacks. Makoto rubs his back comfortingly, kissing his cheek and speaking words of reassurance.

When the bells rings, Makoto answers the door and ushers Ren and Ran inside.

“I’m glad you two have learned not to barge unannounced into people’s houses now.” He lightly smacks Ren on his head and pulls Ran’s cheek as she hands him a small box from Makoto's favorite bakery.

They both blush profusely at this embarrassing reminder.

Sousuke walks up to them and offers his hand, but neither of them so much as look at him.

“Hey! Behave! This is not how I brought you up.” Makoto grabs them both by an ear each, and drags them forward, holding on until they huffily shake Sousuke’s hand one after the other.

“Good. Now let’s eat.” Makoto leads them to the table as Sousuke brings out the food.

They all eat in silence, Makoto’s attempts at small talk having failed already.

“This is good onii-chan. Your cooking improved.” Ren looks over at Makoto, smiling a little.

“Oh, Sousuke made this. Thank you for praising my boyfriend though.” Makoto smirks smugly at his brother, who puts down his chopsticks, looking slightly horrified.

“I’ve lost my appetite now.” Ran follows suit, and leans back on her chair, folding her arms, openly glaring at Sousuke.

“Okay, that’s it. He invited you for lunch. He cooked all this food so we could all sit here and try to get along. And this is what you pay him back with. We need to settle this right now, so who wants to start?” Makoto gives up all pretense of trying to have a civilized conversation.

“I would really like to know why you’re with him at all, onii-chan?” Ran takes Makoto up on his challenge, while Ren fidgets awkwardly in his seat.

“Because I love him. I’m sure you know that already.”

“But…”

“But what, Ran?”

“He hurt you. He hurt you so badly onii-chan. Why would you put yourself in a situation where he could do that to you again?” Ran lowers her eyes, staring at her hands, as her voice starts to break.

“He did hurt me, Ran, I won’t deny it. But that was a long time ago, and we were not together back then. It’s been more than 10 years now. We both grew up. We changed. But I still love him. And now…” Makoto cannot put the years of hurt and strife into words. And in the midst of it all is Sousuke. The love that refused to fade with time, growing stronger with every passing moment. How can he explain the inevitability of it, the hold it has on him?

“I know you don’t want to hear me out. I know you don’t like me. But I need you to give me a chance, please. I love your brother. I really do. More than anything else in the world.” Sousuke reaches for Makoto’s hand, grasping it tightly, trying to explain himself.

“And why should we believe you? I still remember onii-chan’s eyes, swollen and red from crying all night. And we had no idea why. And he wouldn’t say anything to anyone. And when we found out you were the reason…when Nagisa finally told us…How can we ever forgive you for that?” Ren clenches his fists over the table, addressing himself directly to Sousuke.

“I’m sorry…” Sousuke feels like he’s drowning. He knows he hurt Makoto, but he never knew how badly.

“Sousuke…It’s alright…” Makoto tightens his hold on Sousuke’s hand.

“No…No it isn’t…I never knew…I’m so sorry, Mako. I’m so sorry. I was such as asshole. I’m sorry…” Sousuke’s vision blurs and he feels nauseous once again. The fact that Makoto has forgiven him for all of that- that they are together now, that Makoto has given himself to Sousuke without any reservations…it’s nothing short of miraculous.

“I understand that you’re worried about me. And I appreciate it. I would worry about you just the same if our positions were reversed. But I love Sousuke and he loves me. He makes me happy. And I _know_ he won’t hurt me again. If you cannot understand how I feel about Sousuke, at least give him the benefit of the doubt. You don’t have to agree with my feelings, but I do not want to be torn up between my family and the man I love. Can you do that much for me?” Makoto’s voice is steady, self-assured, comforting. Sousuke wants to put his arms around Makoto and never let go.

“But…what about Matsuda-sensei? You were so much happier when you were with him, onii-chan.” Ran’s expression has softened significantly, but she is not ready to admit defeat.

“I wasn’t happy with him Ran. I’d just gotten really good at pretending to be okay by then, that’s all.” Makoto sighs heavily.

“But…”

“But nothing. I was so sick of the constant judgment, I decided to stay with him even though he was overbearing, just so everyone would shut up about me being flighty and unsettled. He was kind at first, yes. But afterwards…he made me get rid of my tattoo you know…” Makoto scowls at the unpleasant memory.

“Ohhh…I was going to ask you about that.” Sousuke has missed that tattoo. After the stilted encounter they had in Sousuke’s dorm room, Sousuke wrote down the haiku on the back of an old photo of Makoto he’d swiped from Rin’s album. The words had been a mantra, helping him through the years, giving him hope.

“Is that why you pay so much attention to that place? It was so dark that time, I thought…” Makoto’s cheeks burn a bright shade of pink, pleased that Sousuke has remembered.

“I remember everything about that night. I remember everything about you. How could I not?” Sousuke finally finds the courage to meet Makoto’s eyes again.

“Is that why Haru-nii was so pleased when you broke up with sensei?” Ren’s tone seems to suggest that Haru is the final authority when it comes to Makoto.

“That’s true. Come to think of it, mom was quite happy about that breakup too.” Ran frowns, remembering the way her mother hummed to herself all day after finding out Makoto had dumped Matsuda.

“I never told anyone about how he really was…He meant well, I’m sure. But he treated me like an infant, ordering me about. I hated it. I never told Haru about it though. Or mom. I guess those two can always tell when something’s wrong.” Makoto feels as if a weight has been lifted off his chest.

“And mom was telling us how you look so happy nowadays. Plus, Ran, if Sousuke-san was actually horrid, then wouldn’t Haru-nii just chase him off?” Ren, clearly uncomfortable with any kind of conflict, eagerly jumps at the opportunity to restore peace.

“I guess…” Ran bites her lower lip, looking Sousuke over, sizing him up.

“I’m not asking you to start liking me, but it would be good if you didn’t hate me.” Sousuke tries not to look too hopeful as he asks the Tachibana twins to reconsider how they feel about him.

“We can do that. Right Ran? But we kind of still hated you when we went to buy dessert, so we only got 3 chocolate tarts. You can have mine, I guess. Sorry.” Ren quickly returns to his food, feeling that it’s okay to stuff himself with Sousuke’s cooking, now that a tentative truce has been established.

“Oh don’t worry. I can have dessert after you two leave. My favorite kind doesn’t have to be bought at a store.” Sousuke places his hand on Makoto’s thigh, smirking.

“Sousuke!” Makoto blushes and slaps away Sousuke’s hand.

“Oh that’s gross. Now I’ve really lost my appetite.” Ran pushes her plate away, rolling her eyes.

“Don't be like that, sis. I think that’s really sweet, actually.” Ren continues to eat, smiling happily.

Before they leave, Ren pats Sousuke affectionately on the back, smiling at his brother.

“He’s a gullible idiot, but I’m still watching you. Remember that.” Ran looks disgustedly at her twin while threatening Sousuke.

“I’ll keep that in mind. You have every right to assault me with your pointy shoe if I ever displease your brother.” Sousuke bows and takes Ran’s hand, kissing it in a display of gentlemanliness.

“Oh, stop it you.” Ran cannot help but smile a little.

“Come see us in Tokyo soon onii-chan. And bring your boyfriend if you want. By the way, mom wanted to know when you’re introducing her to your sweetheart.” Ren waves at them from the door.

“She knows?” Makoto is a little surprised, but at the same time, he realizes it must have shown on his face.

“It’s mom. She always knows.” Ran shrugs her shoulders and hugs Makoto before she turns to go.

 

“Well then. That went smoothly, right?” Sousuke is quite pleased with the way things have gone, and keeps beaming at Makoto.

“Yes. Yes it did. You were very sweet. Thank you for doing this.” Makoto leans his head on Sousuke’s shoulder, feeling lighter and happier than he has in a long time.

“So when can I meet your parents, Mako?”

“After I meet yours.”

“Oh, that might be sooner than you think.”

“Wait, you told them about me?”

“Yup.”

“But…they weren’t at the hospital…I thought maybe…”

“That I wasn’t on good terms with them? Well, I’m not. They had issues with me when I came out. But mom is okay with it now. I don’t know about my dad, though. Rin was updating them about my condition on the phone while I was in surgery. By the time mom convinced dad to see me, I’d already stabilized. So Rin told them not to come.” Sousuke’s tone is casual, but Makoto can sense the hurt hiding in his words.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Sou.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m used to it. I’ve always been the family disappointment, you know. Besides, you’re my family now.” Sousuke smiles brightly and pulls Makoto closer to him.

“You’re not a disappointment.”

“I didn’t become a world class athlete like I was supposed to. Didn’t do much better academically. Then I refused to take over my dad’s business. And then I told them the love of my life was another man. So. I think my parents would disagree with you.”

Makoto doesn’t know what to say, so he kisses Sousuke instead.

_Shared lives and shared time- the world pushes us away and pulls us back in, but you stand by me, your hand in mine. Always. My strength, my courage, my heart- I need nothing if I have you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who're still keeping up with both this and "DHBE", I will be updating that within the next 24 hours too (hopefully with two new chapters), so hang in there.


	21. The Two of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cause honey with you  
> Is the only honest way to go  
> And I could take two  
> But I really couldn't ever know  
> Honey with you  
> And a little battered radio  
> We could try
> 
> Run- Vampire Weekend

The snow starts falling when Makoto’s at work, busy adding some new books to the library catalogue, a little sleep-deprived, yawning comfortably over the heap of freshly-printed volumes. Sousuke didn’t really let him get much sleep at night, starting all over again just when Makoto thought they were finally done.

Since they both met Makoto’s parents a couple of months ago and solidified their relationship in front of the Tachibana-clan, Sousuke has been acting more and more clingy, needy even. Makoto loves his boyfriend more than anything else, but lately, Sousuke has been a bit much to handle. More possessive, more whiny, and definitely very aggressive in bed- wanting to have sex every night, staying over at Makoto’s all the time.

Which might have more to with Sousuke’s job situation than anything else, really. Makoto knows he has to have ‘the talk’ with Sousuke soon, but truth be told, he is enjoying this childishly dependent side of his boyfriend a little too much.

About a month ago, while sleeping over at Makoto’s, Sousuke just didn’t wake up in time for work, didn’t get dressed in his discarded uniform, didn’t bother calling in. It was only when Makoto interrogated him with raised brows that Sousuke confessed to having quit the day before.

But no one knows the reason for Sousuke’s decision to quit the force. Makoto has tried asking repeatedly, but Sousuke has not offered any legitimate reason behind his hasty decision.

Rin had been furious at first, and accused Sousuke of abandoning him. It was only when Haru seemed to quietly agree with Sousuke that Rin’s anger shifted from his best friend to his husband. That has also been a cause of worry for Makoto. Since the incident with Sousuke, Haru became strongly opposed to Rin keeping his police job. According to Midori, her parents often had arguments nowadays about Rin’s job, and things seemed to be going downhill for the married couple.

If Makoto is honest with himself, he has to admit feeling relieved that Sousuke quit his job. Makoto always hoped Sousuke would recover from his shoulder injury and resume professional swimming. But it never happened. And now he knows it’s too late for Sousuke. After competing in a few international competitions, Haru and Rin had also quit, opting for more grounded professions when they decided to raise a family together.

It seemed to Makoto that all those boyhood dreams of ideal futures had come to nothing but a pile of dust, blown away by the changing winds of time, leaving behind tired men who had become strangers to their youthful aspirations.

Snowflakes turned the landscape to a blur of white light, drifting and somersaulting in the wintery wind. Makoto hugged himself tightly, glad for his oversized pale blue sweater- a present from Haru (hand-knitted to cuddly perfection especially for Makoto). No one would be coming to the library in this weather, and apart from Makoto lazily poring over the catalogue in the archives, only Momotaru is at the reception desk, keeping an eye out for booklovers with enough stamina to withstand this extreme cold weather.

Because Makoto assumes that Sousuke is still huddled up in bed, avoiding the cold and his future by playing video games, it’s a sweet surprise to suddenly feel his boyfriend’s arms around his waist.

“What the hell are you doing out in this cold, you big baka?” Makoto lets Sousuke nuzzle his neck, enjoying the sneak attack.

“Surprising you with piping hot coffee and homemade cupcakes, which Momo hijacked at the front desk, so you’re gonna have to fight him for them.” Sousuke turns Makoto around for a sweetly lingering kiss.

“That thieving ginger douche!” After the kiss ends, Makoto immediately runs off to reclaim his baked goods from Momotaru. They end up splitting the cupcakes between them, since Sousuke doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, and only learned to bake chocolate goodies for Makoto’s sake.

The three of them hang out at the reception desk for an hour or so, chatting and enjoying the coffee and cupcakes, taking shelter from the cold with good food and company.

“Dating this stud here is the best thing you ever did Makoto. Seriously, what have you put in these cupcakes, Sousuke? I can’t stop eating them. Makoto you’re gonna get _so_ fat!” Momotaru teases through a mouthful of chocolate icing.

“Ugh Momo, don’t ever let Gou see you like that. You’ll get dumped so fast.” Makoto delicately licks icing off his fingertip, grimacing at the way Momo is stuffing himself.

“Nah, she loves me too much.” Momo contentedly takes a sip of his coffee, though it’s less coffee than a sickening melange of milk and sugar.

Sousuke laughs comfortably at the exchange, getting a little squirmy while eyeing Makoto eating his cupcake. The way Makoto nibbles delicately, making sure to lick the icing from his lips, has Sousuke wanting to be alone with his boyfriend and a batch of leftover chocolate icing.

“So Sousuke, what have you decided about doing with your life now that you’re no longer officer-san?” Momo grins at him innocently, not knowing how frustrating the subject is for Sousuke, especially since the altercation with Rin.

“I have no idea honestly. I’ve applied for a few salary jobs at local offices, but I don’t know. Makoto says to take my time and figure it out, but my savings won’t last forever.” Sousuke sighs into his coffee, smiling slightly as Makoto pats his shoulder soothingly.

“Speaking of, haven’t you two moved in together yet? I mean…Whoops, I just said something really inappropriate, didn’t I?” Momo looks slightly horrified at Makoto’s red cheeks and Sousuke’s shocked expression.

“Oh…Ummm…No it’s okay Momo, it’s just…We haven’t really talked about that kind of thing yet…” Makoto’s voice trails off dejectedly.

“W-Wait. Makoto, would you…With me…I mean…Is that something you would be willing to do? Live with me? All the time? Would you?” Sousuke nervously grabs a hold of Makoto’s forearm, burying his fingers into the soft material of the blue sweater.

“Are you asking?” Makoto keeps looking down at his coffee, redder than ever.

“Should I…ummm…leave? I should…Yes…I’m gonna leave.” Momo runs off to check up on something unspecified, chuckling to himself.

Makoto and Sousuke don’t notice him go.

“Yes. I’m asking. I want to be with you all the time. I want to cook for you every single day. I want to do our laundry together, and go shopping for stuff together for _our_ home. Yes, Makoto, yes. I’m asking you.” Sousuke’s hands are now cupping Makoto’s face gently, trying to get him to look up.

“I…Yes. That sounds nice, Sou. Yes.” Makoto leans forward, still looking down, and buries his face in Sousuke’s fleece hoodie.

“Please tell me you’re not crying, you precious kitten?” Sousuke laughs, putting his arms around Makoto.

“I’m… _hic_ …not… _sniff_ …crying. And don’t call me that!” But the happy, warm tears won’t stop flowing down Makoto’s face. Every time he thinks Sousuke cannot possibly make him happier, the teal-eyed man finds new ways to have Makoto’s heart bursting with unexpected joys.

“You know you like being my kitten, Mako-chan. Should we go back to mine? I have a huge bowl of chocolate icing. I’ll let you lick it all off me.” Sousuke’s hands wander down to the waistband of Makoto’s jeans, easing a few fingers inside teasingly.

“Not here, Sou! Momo will die if he sees us like this.” Makoto quickly detaches himself from Sousuke, pushing his boyfriend away playfully.

“Errr…Makoto why don’t you just head home early? I’ll lock up here, okay?” Momo is standing awkwardly at the desk, clearly having chosen the wrong moment to return.

“Sorry Momo, but it kind of is _your_ fault you know.” Sousuke winks at the blushing red-head, giving him a thumbs up behind Makoto’s back.

The drive to Sousuke’s place is quiet, as both men try to make sense of the hasty conversation in the library. It’s true that Sousuke has been wanting to ask Makoto about this, and it’s also true that Makoto has been yearning to live with Sousuke since they first mutually acknowledged their love for each other.

But now that the practicality of the situation is before them, it doesn’t seem so easy. Does Makoto move in with Sousuke, or does Sousuke bring his stuff over to Makoto’s? What about splitting rent and bills and groceries and all that? Who does what chores? It’s all so mundane. Makoto feels like his fidgety sense of domestic responsibility will ruin the romance of the moment, so he stays silent.

Sousuke feels more urgently than ever that he wants to have a career again, regretting his impulsive decision to quit the force. He cannot possibly think of entering this commitment with Makoto when he isn’t sure of his financial stability. What if Makoto thinks this is an excuse for him to freeload?

Arriving at Sousuke’s, they both run inside the apartment building to avoid the cold wind.

A snowflake sits casually on the tip of Makoto’s nose. The cold has his face flushed pink. Looking at his boyfriend as they share the elevator up to Sousuke’s floor, all doubts are forgotten.

“Makoto, I so very much want to live with you. But I want to find a job first. And then we can look for a place together. A new place. To start all over again. To make a home for ourselves _together_. Does that sound fair to you?”

Makoto quietly takes Sousuke’s hand as they head back to the apartment. Still quiet as Sousuke unlocks the door, Makoto leads them both to bed, undressing Sousuke with slightly trembling fingers.

Already hard from the cute way Makoto is trying to take charge, Sousuke hugs him close and holds him until they’re both warm.

Kissing Makoto, tracing the outline of his plump lips with his tongue, Sousuke’s hands unzip Makoto’s jeans and help him out of his underwear.

“Keep the sweater on, it looks adorable on you.” Sousuke murmurs huskily into the nape of Makoto’s neck, sitting back on the edge of the bed as Makoto shyly climb onto his lap, straddling him.

Lifting the sweater past Makoto’s chest, Sousuke starts teasing his boyfriend’s already-stiff nipples with the tip of his tongue. Makoto unthinkingly takes the sweater’s hem in his mouth to give Sousuke free access to his chest, making Sousuke even harder. Hands around each other’s cocks, locked in a deeply breathless kiss, they both cum together, panting slightly.

“I want you to take your time with everything, Sou. Before we make any big decisions.” Letting himself curl up in Sousuke’s lap, still covered in both their juices (a tad worried about getting his favorite sweater dirty), Makoto places his arms around Sousuke, hugging gently.

“I’ve already made my decision, Mako. I just don’t want to be a burden on you, so I wanna find a proper job first. And then, we’re gonna go shopping for a giant bed to mess about in, and find a nice place close to the ocean, big enough for the two of us, and for as many cats as you want to take in.”

“That’s be nice. That’d be a dream come true, Sou-san.”

“If you’re happy, I’m happy, Mako-chan. My precious overgrown kitten.”

Makoto’s lets out a little ‘meow’ to tease his boyfriend before wrapping Sousuke up in another kiss.

_Old dreams die, but as long as you stay beside me, we’ll always find new ones to take their place._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I finally updated this because I was off work today and I wanted to write about precious bara babes making out in comfy winter gear while it snowed outside. If you're actually still reading this, props to you, and thanks for having faith in me (✿´‿`)


	22. Give Your Love to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's gonna be a beautiful day  
> So do the bluebirds say  
> As I take your hand  
> And you take my kiss  
> And I take the world
> 
> The Magic Position- Patrick Wolf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I felt like writing smutty fluff tonight. And of course, the tiniest hint of angst.

Waking up all cozy in Sousuke’s arms, listening to his steady heartbeat, is heaven to Makoto. Even though he has to pee, he ignores his bladder, and snuggles in closer, making satisfied purring noises against the warmth of Sousuke’s chest.

“Mako, go pee before you start cuddling again.” Sousuke has clearly been awake for some time, enjoying his boyfriend’s antics.

“Mmmmm. In a minute. You’re warm and I wanna stay warm.” Makoto tangles his fingers into Sousuke’s t-shirt, shifting his legs under the blankets so they’re tangled with Sousuke’s.

“Who told you to sleep naked in this weather, you baka. Now get up, so I can get up too, and make us some breakfast.” Sousuke has to use force to get Makoto off him, and clambers out of bed first, immediately missing the nearness of Makoto’s unclothed body.

Makoto rolls over, wrapping the blankets around him even tighter, making Sousuke think of him as a giant burrito of cuteness and snuggles.

“Fine, don’t get up. I’ll go to the washroom first.” Sousuke laughs to himself as he puts on his slippers and starts making his way out of the bedroom.

“Nooooo. I gotta pee Sou!” Like a bolt of lightning, Makoto rushes past Sousuke, buck naked, hugging himself for warmth, and slams the washroom door shut behind him.

After years with Rin, Sousuke’s first instinct is to race Makoto, but then he stops himself, choosing to admire the sight of his boyfriend’s nude back and butt instead.

Because of the number of times they both showed up late for work when they first got together, Makoto had to make up a ‘no morning sex’ rule for them. But today is Saturday. The world outside is covered in white, and it is so very cold. They have nowhere to go, and no one is expected to drop in on them.

Opening the door after Makoto, Sousuke slinks up behind his boyfriend, who is busy humming some anime opening while brushing his teeth.

Makoto lets out a little squeaky yelp when Sousuke’s hands slip down his waist to cup his balls, fondling them quite obviously.

“Sousuke!”

“Mmmmm. It’s your fault. How many times do I have to tell you not to sleep without any clothes on?” Sousuke nuzzles Makoto’s neck as his right hand grips Makoto’s cock and starts stroking its length.

Makoto gives in to the building pleasure almost immediately, his arms going limp at his sides, his toothbrush falling to the floor. Sousuke’s left hand grips Makoto’s neck softly, as he bites his green-eyed boyfriend’s reddening ears.

Makoto cums with a quiet, breathy moan, and he almost falls back against Sousuke. His mouth is wet with tooth paste and saliva.

“Now my turn.” Sousuke turns Makoto around and pushes him down. On his knees before the taller man, Makoto pulls down Sousuke’s boxers, and takes out his erection.

Sousuke is already dripping precum, and groaning in anticipation. Makoto takes his sweet time licking the tip, slowly probing the slit, his mind going hazy again, drunk on the taste of Sousuke and mint toothpaste.

“Ahhh, Mako, you’re so good. Your mouth is tingling…Unnhhh…Feels so…uhhhh…so good Mako…”

Trailing small kisses along the length of Sousuke’s hard cock, Makoto takes his boyfriend’s balls into his mouth, sucking noisily on them one by one, making Sousuke almost incapable of remaining upright. He grips Makoto’s hair, grunting his desire.

Taking Sousuke’s entire length deep inside his throat, Makoto starts bobbing his head up and down- one hand grabbing at Sousuke’s ass, while jerking himself off with the other.

His mouth is full of Sousuke- hot and musky, mingling with the cool flavor of the toothpaste. Makoto licks his lips appreciatively after swallowing, turning his attention to himself. A couple of fingers inside his entrance, he strokes his hardness to completion, still on his knees before Sousuke.

“Need help getting up?” Sousuke admires the view, looking down on his messy, unclothed lover.

“Mmmm. Thanks for breakfast, Sou.” Like a cat, Makoto hugs Sousuke’s legs with both arms, rubbing his face against his boyfriend’s right thigh.

“You want a second helping?” Sousuke swallows hard as he pulls his boxers back on, helping Makoto stand up again.

“Maybe later, Yamazaki-kun.” Makoto reaches up for a kiss, and Sousuke responds hungrily, sucking on the brunet’s tongue until they’re both moaning and hard again.

This time Sousuke takes care of them both, rubbing their erections together until they orgasm at the same time.

Washing his hands, and urging Makoto to clean up and put on some underwear at least, Sousuke heads to the kitchen to fix some eggs and coffee.

He ends up making sweet omelette rolls because he knows Makoto loves having them on snowy mornings. With some buttered toast and scalding hot coffee as accompaniment to the egg rolls, Sousuke has the table set by the time Makoto comes out of the bathroom.

They eat their breakfast in a comfortable silence, with Sousuke reading his morning newspaper, and Makoto admiring the falling snow outside.

“So what’s the plan for today?” Sousuke looks over at Makoto while doing the dishes. Even while they’re at Makoto’s apartment, Sousuke does most of the chores. Before Makoto, he hated the idea of domesticity. But ever since this green-eyed brunet beauty has stolen his heart, Sousuke finds himself reveling in doing little things for his lover.

“You promised to watch a movie with me today, remember? And give me lots of cuddles.” Makoto gives Sousuke that happy, closed-eyes smile that drives the dark-haired man up a wall every single time. The brunet is curled up on the couch waiting for Sousuke to finish cleaning up. He is wearing his favorite pale blue oversized sweater with the too-long sleeves (that Haru knit for him), over tighty-whiteys and dark blue knee-socks (Sousuke’s). The long sweater makes it seem like he’s wearing nothing underneath.

Once again, Sousuke cannot believe his luck as he looks over at Makoto. He cannot believe he thought Makoto was an airhead once. That he ever thought Makoto was anything other than an angel sent down from heaven especially to make Sousuke’s life sweet and cozy and meaningful.

“Whatever you want, Mako. Which movie?” Sousuke takes off his apron and wipes his hands clean, and joins his boyfriend on the couch.

“You said you’d watch _Lord of the Rings_ with me, remember?” Makoto pouts at Sousuke, knowing the latter’s aversion to all films that are not Japanese.

“Nooooo. No no no. I refuse to read subtitles. You _know_ that. And you hate dubs. So there.” Sousuke puts his arms around Makoto as consolation for dismissing his request.

“Ugh. Fine! But I’m inviting Nagisa and Rei over next weekend for a marathon. And you _have_ to sit through it with me.” Sousuke realizes he’s walked into a bigger trap by refusing his boyfriend, and is now roped up in a double date with the shouty penguin and science boy, on top of having to deal with 10 hours of subtitles probably. Makoto is unrelenting when it comes to getting what he wants. And Sousuke always gives in, one way or another.

“If I agree to that, then today we watch something I wanna watch, okay?”

“Fine, Sou. You pick. But I’m gonna make some hot chocolate and we’re going to cuddle in bed, and for lunch, I want pizza.” Makoto is at his absolute cutest when he’s demanding things from Sousuke.  

From everything Rin’s told him, Sousuke knows that Makoto has always put everyone else before himself. And that is why Sousuke loves it when Makoto tells him what _he_ wants. Makoto doesn’t even tell _Haruka_ what he wants. This spoiled behavior is for Sousuke alone. It’s special, it’s endearing, and Sousuke feels his heart jump at the unabashed way Makoto asks him for things.

Leaving Makoto fumbling about in the kitchen for hot chocolate supplies, Sousuke walks into the bedroom, flipping open Makoto’s laptop, browsing his film collection. Of course, Makoto the librarian has organized everything according to genres, sub-genres, and names of directors. There are folders within folders within folders, all labelled immaculately. If only Makoto paid this much attention to cleaning his apartment.

Sousuke quickly finds what he’s looking for, and leans back in bed, waiting for Makoto.

The cups of hot chocolate Makoto carries carefully back to the bedroom are already lukewarm. After one sip, Sousuke grimaces and snatches Makoto’s cup away, ignoring the brunet’s protests.

“How can you drink this-this sewage water?” The powdery taste of the store-bought hot chocolate mix leaves a horrid aftertaste in Sousuke’s mouth.

“Hey! There is nothing wrong with _my_ hot chocolate! Meanie!” Makoto crosses his arms, looking a little hurt.

Sousuke kisses him on the forehead, laughing.

“If we’re going to have hot chocolate, it’s going to be legit, okay? Nothing short of perfection for my love.”

Makoto immediately melts into a puddle of blushing gentleness at Sousuke’s words, and follows his boyfriend into the kitchen, curiously watching Sousuke chop up pieces of dark Belgian chocolate (of which there is no shortage at the Tachibana residence), melting it over low heat, mixing in cream and a bit of milk, concocting a luxuriously thick mixture of rich chocolaty goodness.

“Wowwwww Sou! How do you make everything so perfectly? Oooh can we have some cinnamon sprinkled on it?” Makoto’s eyes sparkle with awe at yet another demonstration of Sousuke’s impeccable culinary skills.

“You can put whatever the hell you want in yours, but no cinnamon for me, thanks very much.” If it’s one thing Sousuke hates more than Hollywood films and reading subtitles, it’s cinnamon.

Makoto just throws his arms around Sousuke’s neck and kisses him full on the mouth. Chocolate and kisses and all this togetherness. Sousuke wishes this day will never end.

They settle back in Makoto’s bed, and Sousuke starts playing “Seven Samurai”, a classic movie he knows Makoto’s fond of as well. Makoto is pretty much sitting in Sousuke’s lap, sipping carefully at the hot chocolate.

“Mmmm, for someone who doesn’t have a sweet tooth, you sure know your way around chocolate, Sou.”

“Well, I-It’s because of you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. Remember back in ummm- Back when I was a douchebag- I ran into you and Haruka once, and Kisumi. And we went to have cakes, and you said you liked chocolate and…”

“You remembered that?”

“Well, I remember everything about you. Didn’t I say that already?”

“But…”

“But why was I a horrid asshole to you if I was noting down every little detail about you?”

“Yes…”

“Because…I don’t know Makoto. You’ve always…You did something to me. I couldn’t really deal with it. I…Wow, I was such a jackass. I taught myself how to bake. For you. But then…I mean…I wanted to be with you, and at the same time, I guess…I hated feeling the way I did, how much control you had over me.”

“Hush Sou. No need to go over all of that again.”

Sousuke puts away his hot chocolate and crushes Makoto in a strong bear hug, burying his nose in the brunet’s bedhead.

“Hey Sousuke, what did you think of me? At first, you know.”

“Ummm. That you were probably an airhead for smiling all the time. And whether you were inseparably glued to Nanase since birth. And how anyone on earth anyone had the right to look as pretty as you did.”

“Mmmm. I _am_ pretty though, aren’t I?” Makoto pushes up against Sousuke, feeling like he’s fighting back tears.

“What did you think of me, Mako?”

“Hmmm. That you were sad.”

“Oh?”

“And that I’d like to see you _not_ be sad. Because of me. I wanted to make you happy.” The tears won’t be held back anymore. Makoto thinks it’s lucky Sousuke can’t see his face.

“God, how are you so _perfect_? How did I ever get so lucky? How are you _mine_?” The movie and the hot chocolate are forgotten as Sousuke reaches around to cup Makoto’s face for another kiss.

He should have expected the tears. Makoto cries easily, and he cries at everything. It’s almost as bad as Rin, but Makoto’s better at hiding his sorrow.

His tears are special too. He saves them for Sousuke. All Makoto’s weaknesses, his wants, his needs- everything is reserved for Sousuke.

Sousuke kisses the tears away from Makoto’s face, running his fingers softly all over his lover. They kiss and kiss and kiss, tasting hot chocolate from each other’s mouths, completely lost to the world.

The movie ends, the hot chocolate goes cold, the snow falls and falls and falls.

They break apart only when the doorbell rings persistently, begging for attention.

“Put on some pants, Mako-chan. I’ll see who it is.” Sousuke forces himself away from Makoto, walking reluctantly to answer the door.

It’s Haru, looking huffier than usual, his sharp face blue with cold. The children are with him, bundled up in multiple coats and scarves, their cheeks flushed, noses red, looking like a family of abandoned kittens.

“Errr-Is everything okay, Haruka?” Sousuke looks at Haru tentatively, taking Ryu up in his arms as Haru hands the boy over.

“Where’s Makoto?” If Haru could cry, Sousuke is sure this is what he would sound like. There is no sign of Rin. Sousuke is suddenly gripped with fear.

“What’s this? What are you all doing out and about on a day like today?” Makoto is wearing grey sweatpants and an “everything will be fine” smile for his guests.

Midori quietly walks up to Makoto and throws her arms around his waist before breaking down.

Shinji stands beside his father, trying to look strong.

“Do you mind if we stay here for a few days, Mako?” Haru puts down his bags wearily, and leads Shinji to the couch, almost collapsing on it.

“Of course, Haru. Whatever you need.” Makoto looks like he’s about to cry again, holding Midori close and shushing her.

Ryu is half-asleep in Sousuke’s arms.

“What happened? Where’s Rin?” Sousuke frowns at Haruka, frustrated.

“At home. We’ve…had a disagreement. I just…I need some time away from…I’m sorry if we disturbed you two.” Haru’s voice is strained. Sousuke finds himself getting worried at how weak he sounds. He wonders the state Rin is in, wanting to run to his best friend.

“No. No that’s not what I meant. I’m…I should go talk to Rin.” Sousuke feels out of place here. Makoto and Haru share a kind of intimacy he never really achieved with Rin, despite wanting to. It’s almost telepathic.

“Sousuke, stay with us today. I’m sure Rin needs time to think things over.” Makoto looks stern, fiercely protective. Sousuke suddenly feels afraid for Rin’s life. This is a new side of Makoto. This is something he hasn’t seen before.

“Whatever you want, Mako. Whatever you think is best.” Sousuke smiles weakly at Shinji. Makoto needs to focus on Haruka, and Sousuke realizes that the children need him more than Rin does.

As he puts Ryu to sleep in Makoto’s bed, he marvels at his boyfriend’s quiet strength. The way Makoto can put away his own worries and wants in instant, to take care of those who need him. The way he can cherish, and be cherished by, everyone around him. How even his weakness is his strength, making Sousuke take comfort in caring for Makoto, letting Sousuke feel strong because Makoto needs him. Taking charge when necessary, pulling away when he’s unwanted. Not that Sousuke is ever going to stop wanting Makoto. Ever.   

_Your tears, your smiles, your kindness, your ferocity, your anger, your love- every facet, every expression- it all makes me fall in love all over again. With you, every morning brings something new, and every night feels as thrilling as the first._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that I keep shifting narrative perspectives between Sousuke and Makoto, which is not the most writerly thing to do, but I have more fun with the story that way.  
> Also there is a reference to track 10 of Drama CD2 in this chapter, about Makoto liking chocolate. And to Sousuke's official fanbook profile as well, which states that he hates cinnamon and that English (along with History) is his weak subject. I just kind of think of Sousuke as being very uptight about which movies he watches, and he hates subtitles.  
> And because I always watch LotR and The Hobbit films during winter break, I threw them in as well. I imagine that once Makoto finally makes Sousuke watch them, Sousuke gets super into all the Middle Earth stuff and even makes Makoto do some 'cosplay' eventually. Sousuke's actually a giant nerd, that's all.


	23. Forward's the Only Way to Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m not alone  
> I felt the world stop turning  
> Stop in your tracks (where could I go?)  
> Cover my back (let yourself show)  
> I took the long way home, my feet are blistery
> 
> I Can See Your Future- Belle and Sebastian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not update this fic regularly, but I still love it (despite its many flaws), and feel loyal to it. I find myself coming back to write it when I need to fill myself up with warm thoughts and comfort my soul.  
> I will see it through to the end. Which is probably quite close.

Makoto and Haru talk for hours in the living room, over multiple cups of tea. Sousuke puts on “My Neighbour Totoro” for the kids in the bedroom. Soon, Midori and Shinji are huddled around the sleeping Ryu, engrossed in the film, with Sousuke dozing off on one side. He has never been a fan of animated films, and does not understand Makoto’s undying devotion to them. But he has learned to live with it.

Anything for Mako.

“Anyone want some hot chocolate?” Tired of having nothing to do, Sousuke is eager to do something, anything to help.

“Nah, I’m hungry Uncle Sou. What you got to eat in here?” Midori responds glumly, her eyes glued to the laptop screen.

“I can order pizza. Who wants pizza?” Sousuke thinks it would be unwise to bumble about in the kitchen when Makoto and Haru are right there on the living room couch.

His fingers are itching to call Rin, but his instincts and experience tell him that his best friend needs time to figure things out on his own.

If anything, Sousuke feels the same as Haruka, as loath as he is to admit it. Rin _should_ quit his job as a cop and aim for something else. He has a husband and three children who rely on him, love him, depend on him for their happiness. He owes it to them, doesn’t he? He owes it to Sousuke and the rest of his friends too.

But what right does Sousuke have to think this? He has done worse, and for worse reasons too. Didn’t he create all this bullshit drama and distance between himself and Makoto because he was too scared to admit that he was so completely in love with the brunet? Sousuke knows that he has left his job not for the fear of another physical injury, but because he wants to be around Makoto more, to invade his boyfriend’s physical space, possess him in every possible way.

But at the same time, Sousuke is afraid to ask Makoto to move in, because that would solidify what they have, give their relationship the kind of depth it lacks right now.

A sense of forever.

But Sousuke wants it, he wants it so badly. He wants his forever to be with Makoto.

Even back when they were teenagers, Sousuke had always been scared. Sacred of being left behind, of getting hurt, of losing Rin- so scared to admit his true feelings that he ended up injuring himself. That he ended up breaking Makoto’s heart.

Coward. Such a hopeless coward.

Sousuke feels all these thoughts bubbling nauseously at the pit of his stomach. While his desire for Makoto is absolute, Sousuke also feels as though he has abandoned Rin, and sought comfort in the arms of his lover. Rin is the one still standing strong, fighting for what he believes in.

What other people have always seen as Rin’s selfishness, Sousuke knows it’s actually his strongest trait. Rin has always been a lone warrior, marching ahead towards a goal only he can see, following an inner compass, staying true to what _he_ thinks is important.

Sousuke is different though. Sousuke does things for other people; he does things _because_ of other people- to win them over, to keep them close. Before he found happiness with Makoto, he always thought it was a gutless thing to do. But now he understands that people have different ways to live and love.

Just because Sousuke pushed himself so hard and so far that he lost sight of the horizon for Rin, just because he has now chosen to give up his career because he wants to be with Makoto for as long as he possibly can- it doesn’t make him a coward.

And just because Rin is refusing to give up his career- despite the dangers it poses to him, despite the fact that Haru is most definitely not happy about it- it does not make Rin self-centered. And it definitely does not mean that he loves Haru and his children any less.

Sousuke smiles to himself, knowing that this newfound wisdom, this ability to get rid of negative thoughts, is all because of Makoto. Because at the end of the day, not matter what, there are Makoto’s arms to encircle him, Makoto’s eyes looking at him with unconditional love, and the heat from Makoto’s body keeping him safe all night long.

“Uncle Sou? You okay?” Shinji has a hand on Sousuke’s sleeve, looking concerned.

“You’re spacing out, Uncle Sou. Did you fight with Uncle Mako?” Midori questions placidly, still watching distractedly as some sort of giant grey panda thing flies off into the night on a spinning top with its cubs, and what appears to be two kidnapped human children.

“No, Midori. We haven’t fought. And neither have your fathers. They get mad at each other and say stupid things, and then Rin cries a lot and Haruka gives in.” Sousuke really has no idea how to deal with children.

He suddenly finds himself wondering if Makoto wants children. It is a scary thought, but it also exhilarates him. He wonders what his and Makoto’s children would look like. A sweet little girl with Makoto’s green eyes and his own raven hair. A pouting little boy with his teal eyes and Makoto’s haphazard brown mop. It’s the sweetest thought he has ever had in his entire life.  

“Don’t worry about a thing. Uncle Mako will fix it. He always fixes everything. Now, you were speaking of pizza. What kind of topping are we talking about? And are chicken wings part of the deal?” Midori’s complacency and her utter faith in Makoto make Sousuke smile despite himself.

“Yes, wings are part of the deal, and you can pick the toppings yourself. Do you wanna order it maybe?” Sousuke picks up his phone, dials their favorite pizza place’s number, and hands it to Midori. Pausing the movie, she places the order without batting an eyelash.

Sousuke wonders where Midori came from, because she is stronger and more compassionate than either of her parents. The sweet smiles, the unbidden warmth are from Makoto. The head-strong courage and sense of authority are from Gou. She is more their child than Rin and Haru’s, in all honesty.

Ryu wakes up, asking to go pee, so Sousuke has to deal with that, with help from Shinji. Quiet, patient, always serious Shinji. This one is Haru and Makoto’s spiritual offspring.

And then there’s Ryu. Noisy, belligerent, quick to tears. An exact duplicate of Rin, red hair and sharp teeth, the whole package. No wonder Sousuke dotes on him the most.

Helping Ryu clean up, forcing him to wash his hands, Sousuke feels strangely comfortable. He finds that he likes being domestic, oddly enough. Cooking for Makoto, looking after the children. After years of emotional turmoil and a solitary life, this is warm and soothing.

He never could have imagined a year ago that he would be craving this kind of a life, revelling in its little intimacies. But then Makoto happened.

The doorbell rings and Sousuke fetches the pizza, breaking up the deep conversation Makoto and Haruka are still engrossed in.

“Food first. Talk later.” He kisses Makoto on the forehead, and regrets it immediately. Haruka looks so forlorn on his own, and Sousuke feels guilty for rubbing in the absence of Rin.

Makoto doesn’t seem to mind though, smiling warmly, taking Ryu in his lap, and feeding the rambunctious little baby shark small pieces of cheesy pizza.

Sousuke takes charge of Midori and Shinji brings a slice (covered with bits of mackerel) to his father, cajoling him to eat something.

After the food is eaten, and the burps (mostly Ryu’s) all burped up, the cold winter evening has already darkened into an early night. Sousuke drags the children off to sleep, while Makoto and Haru resume their talk in the living room.

Around midnight, Haru lifts his head off Makoto’s strong shoulder, wipes the last of his quiet tears (only ever witnessed by Makoto’s kind eyes), and drives back home to Rin, determined to sort things out. Makoto sighs as he closes the door after his best friend, and retreats to the bedroom.

Sousuke is sprawled on his back in the middle of the bed in a t-shirt and flannel trousers, drooling a little bit. Ryu is curled up on top of his chest like a kitten. Shinji is using Sousuke’s uninjured arm as a headrest and Midori has chosen Sousuke’s stomach to serve as her pillow. Makoto stops himself from laughing out loud for fear of waking them up, and breaking up this peaceful picture.

Makoto snaps a quick picture, and sends it to everyone on his contact list before retreating to the bathroom. It has been a long day- a day that was supposed to belong only to him and Sousuke. Makoto undresses while filling up the bath with hot water, stretching his arms above his head to ease the tension of the hours spent listening to Haru and soothing his best friend’s worries.

Makoto smiles to himself, thinking of Sousuke, and how spoiled he’s gotten in such a short time, all because of the tall teal-eyed man who loves him.

Makoto is sure now. Sure of Sousuke. Sure of his heart. Sure of their love for each other.

Happy tears slip out of his eyes, betraying his overflowing heart, as he sinks into the hot water, wincing a little at the way it scalds his skin pink.

He leans back and closes his eyes, savoring the silence.

The door slides open softly, and Sousuke walks in, eyes half-closed, looking mostly asleep and quite dishevelled. It’s only after he is done peeing that he notices Makoto laughing quietly at his back.

“The hell Makoto! Why didn’t you say something?” Sousuke’s face flushes with embarrassment.

“It’s not like I haven’t seen your man bits before, Sou. Plus you looked so cute with that messed up hair and the yawning.” Makoto sits up in the tub, bringing his knees up against his chest, hugging them while staring happily at Sousuke.

“If you’re going to be like that, I’m coming in to join you.” Without waiting for a response, Sousuke pulls off his clothes and steps into the bathtub in front of Makoto, yelping a little at the touch of hot water, and leaning his head back against Makoto’s chest. Makoto puts his arms around Sousuke’s neck, placing his chin on top of his boyfriend’s head.

“They’ll be okay, right Sou?”

“Haru and Rin? Sure. They’re both just so incredibly stupid. They can’t help it once in a while.”

“Meanie.”

“Yeah. But I’m _your_ meanie. So it’s fine.”  

The closeness and the warmth is enough for now. They linger so long in the water that Makoto almost falls asleep. Sousuke has to pull him out, and drag him to the bedroom. Since the kids are dominating the bed, Makoto drags out a single futon for them to share.

They barely fit on it, but then Sousuke wraps himself all around Makoto, and they both sigh deeply, realizing how natural it is for their bodies to fall into place against each other so perfectly.

Just right.

Sousuke stays awake long after Makoto has fallen asleep. The brunet’s soft breaths are like answered prayers for Sousuke. He tightens his grip around his boyfriend, nuzzling the nape of Makoto’s neck.

_Whether I’m a coward or a hero, whether I win or lose, you will always welcome me back with that golden smile of yours, won’t you? You have my heart. You are my home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Makoto always makes hot chocolate and watches "My Neighbour Totoro" when he's upset. So of course that's the first thing that jumps to Sousuke's mind when he thinks about making people feel better. Because internally Sousuke's a huge, old-fashioned dork who has no idea how to communicate with people.


	24. Ever Will I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now a pain in memory  
> Is a cherished story  
> Moan about the present  
> Venerate the past  
> Love is like a novel  
> Read the blessed pages  
> Did I do my best dear  
> That is all you ask...
> 
> Read the Blessed Pages- Belle and Sebastian

 

Makoto wakes up in the morning with two decidedly small, and rather skinny arms clinging to him.

Shinji is fast asleep next to him, holding on for dear life, his face pinkishly puffy and a little bit of drool dripping from his mouth onto Makoto’s arm, which the boy is using as his pillow.

The bed is empty. Shinji must have woken up alone and crawled in next to Makoto. 

Makoto feels a sudden surge of affection for the little boy who likes to act so grown up and responsible, pretending he’s completely okay being on his own, when he’s such a scared little bunny on the inside, constantly craving affection.

Even though Midori is Makoto’s favorite, he feels most protective of Shinji- the little boy who puts a smile on his face to cheer everyone else up. He reminds Makoto of himself.

From the kitchen, he can hear muffled sounds of laughter and eggs being whisked. At ease with himself and the entire universe, Makoto sighs deeply, and lets himself smile.

Not the smile he keeps for the world, but the one that is all his own. He doubts even Sousuke has seen this secret smile yet.

The smile where Makoto keeps his eyes open, his cheeks flushed with heart-deep happiness, taking in everything that he loves, his lips slightly apart- ready to speak his mind, ready to be kissed.

Nowadays, Makoto finds himself smiling this way more and more. And most of the time, Sousuke is the cause. Watching Sousuke sleep in his bed, breathing softly. Listening to Sousuke droning on and on about something silly that irritates him. Sousuke labouring in the kitchen to make chocolate cupcakes for dinner because Makoto felt like having them. Sousuke closing his eyes as he thrusts on top of Makoto, concentrating every nerve in his body to bring them both to the brink of the most intense pleasure Makoto has ever felt.

But the smile is a hidden vow makes to himself sometimes. A vow to try and let himself be happy- selfishly, stupidly happy. Hidden even from Sousuke. Even now.

It is still difficult for Makoto to entirely accept the joy he feels. He is afraid that the gods will snatch everything away from him, unwilling to ever let him be perfectly content.

 

There has never been any reason for Makoto Tachibana to be unhappy. He has friends he can depend on. A loving family. A promising future.

So why has he always lived so timidly? Why is he always afraid of really, truly showing what he feels inside? So scared of losing what’s dear to him? The one time he tried to be open about himself, he'd lost Haru. And he had felt so alone, so desperately alone. Even though he and Haru were back to the way they'd always been, the whole experience had terrified Makoto. He did not want to feel that lost ever again. 

The years that kept him away from Haru, from Sousuke, had been so cold, so hard to bear without breaking apart irretrievably. Makoto had closed his eyes and closed his heart, trying to disappear from his best friend and the man he loved, because he had made them unhappy.

Maybe his heart was still broken. Maybe there were a few pieces still missing, lost for good.

He clamped up even tighter after he graduated from high school. His smiles became less frequent, and whenever they graced his angelic face, his eyes stayed shut for longer and longer stretches of time.

Eyes shut tight to keep back the tears that came so easily when he was on his own.

Eyes shut tight, trying to envision a different lifetime, a different universe- anywhere really where he wouldn’t be so utterly lonely.

 

As swift as a sakura petals carried in on a fresh spring breeze, Sousuke had found his way back into Makoto’s life. Haru was his best friend again, always trusted and always true.

Unexpected happiness had overwhelmed Makoto, had given him such a rush he forgot himself. Almost.

The fear of being alone was still lodged deep inside Makoto- waiting, watching. Hiding in dark corners while he held on to Sousuke’s sleeping form, trembling against his boyfriend’s body.

 

Feeling Shinji whimper a little bit in his sleep, snuggling close to Makoto, he returns to the present, pushing away the white noise in his brain, shutting it out and locking it up in the dusty little cupboard under the stairs.

Makoto ruffles the boy’s hair softly, coaxing him into waking up. Slowly, with carefully measured movements, he helps Shinji climb out of the futon and find his way to the washroom. It’s clear from the boy’s swollen eyes that he cried himself to sleep. Makoto makes a mental note to smack Rin in the head, because he is always weak when it comes to placing any blame on Haru.

Sousuke, Midori, and Ryu have reduced Makoto’s kitchen into an chaotic mess of flour and eggs, enveloped in the sweet smell of maple syrup and the comforting smell of melting butter.

There is fresh coffee, lots of hot chocolate, and pancakes. Pile and piles of pancakes in everyone’s favorite varieties.

Chocolate chip for Makoto and Ryu.

Butterscotch for Midori.

Plain (but dusted with icing sugar and topped with a heap of strawberries) for Shinji.

Blueberry for Sousuke.

 

The snow has stopped falling, and the sharp sunlight shines brightly on the happy scene around Makoto’s table. A quietly clamorous sort of joy pervades the room- the kind of joy to be found in the passing around of maple syrup, steam rising off mugfulls of coffee and second helpings of hot chocolate, the silent swiping of pancake bits off each other’s plates, the warm feeling of being full and satisfied.

 

When Makoto’s phone rings, the children are happily making plans with Sousuke about going to the Ghibli Museum when summer rolls around.

“Hey Makoto, could you and Sou bring the kids back? I’m sorry for all the trouble we’ve- _I’ve_ caused.” Rin sounds a bit reluctantly apologetic.

“Does this mean you two made up?” Despite his anger at Rin, Makoto feels his heart softening. He walks into his bedroom, and sits down on his rumpled-up bed.

“We never really fought. You know how it is. I’m sorry. Really. But we’ve talked now. And we’re okay.”

“You know, Shinji cried all night…” Somehow Makoto cannot think of anything else but the little boy’s concealed sorrow.

“He cried all night?” Rin sounds as though he’s been shot through with an arrow.

“He pretends to be all strong and capable, Rin. But he isn’t. You need to look after him more. Take care of him more. Spoil him a little. Haru tries, but he’s not the spoiling type, you know. I think Shinji needs you most. Especially now.”

There is silence on the other end, though Makoto can hear the soft sound of a sniffle.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped my bounds, Rin.”

“No…No, I’m sorry Makoto. I forget…I forget how much you’re like Shinji. I think that’s why Haru and I rely on him without thinking too much about it. I’ll fix everything. I promise.”

 

 ************

 

After dropping the children back to their house, and leaving the reunited family to patch up its disrupted domesticity, Makoto and Sousuke stop for lunch at a small café.

A comfortable silence wraps itself around them, and Makoto finds his knees resting comfortably against Sousuke’s under the small plastic table- too small for their tall frames and long legs at least.

Sousuke insists on paying, and guides Makoto outside by the elbow. Makoto heads towards his car, wanting to go back home and climb into bed with Sousuke.

But the taller man stops, letting go of Makoto.

“What’s wrong, Sou?”

“Nothing, really. I…Mako, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I should go to my place now. I mean, I've been lounging around at yours for so long now.”

“Oh. No, that’s fine. Let’s go use your bed tonight. It’s been a while.” The same old closed-eyes smile takes its well-worn place on Makoto’s face.

“No. I mean. Makoto, I want to be…By myself for a bit. Just until I get things together. It doesn’t mean anything, really. I just sort things out better when I’m on my own. I mean, I still need to find a job.” The cold creeps into Makoto’s bones, sneaking in quietly with Sousuke’s words.

“Oh. Can’t you just…I mean…I’ll be at work tomorrow. All day. And you’ll have the whole day to yourself and…” Makoto chides his heart and tells himself he won’t cry. Not this time.

Sousuke leans forward, and stops Makoto’s mouth with a light kiss.

“Makoto. This has nothing to do with us. I _need_ to do this. It's important that I fix this by myself. Please don’t overthink this. I love you, okay?”

When Makoto continues to stare at the pavement, hands in pockets, Sousuke ruffles his hair and places another kiss on his forehead.

“I need you to tell me that you’re okay, Makoto.”

“I’m okay, Sou. I love you too. Take your time. I'll be waiting."

Makoto's smile is enough to blind the sun. Eyes closed up so tight. For so long. When he finally opens them, Sousuke is already walking away from him. 

 

 ************

 

 

That night in bed- without Sousuke’s heart beating next to his, without the shared warmth of their bodies, without the sleepy whispers of their love- Makoto finds himself shivering uncontrollably, crying like a lost child.

After all the uninterrupted closeness, the pain of being away from Sousuke, even for one night, is unbearable now. His chest throbs painfully, and his hands clench together, trying to imitate the way Sousuke would tangle up his fingers with Makoto’s as they went to sleep.

He picks up his cellphone and types up a text.

 

**_I miss you. I wish you were here._ **

 

He deletes it. And types another.

 

**_I love you. I hope you dream about me tonight._ **

 

Deletes. Types again.

**_Sousuke please don’t leave me alone again._ **

 

Deletes. Types again.

 

**_I love you. Why do I have to love you so much that I can’t spend a single night without you?_ **

 

Deletes. Types again.

 

**_I need you. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Not again._ **

 

 

He knows Sousuke loves him. He knows there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone for a while. But he cannot stop his heart from hurting. And he cannot tell Sousuke any of this either. He'll be good, as always. He'll stand by and wait until Sousuke is ready to come back, as he always has.

His phone clutched in his sweaty palm, tears staining his face, dampening his pillow, Makoto falls asleep.

Somewhere, a cruel god rolls a dice of ivory and one of bone.

Makoto’s dreams leave him scattered and cold. And so, very alone. 

When he wakes up, his face swollen and puffy and he has to call in sick for work. 

There is no hot chocolate, no morning kiss, no quiet laughter around the kitchen table.

Just Makoto. And his incurable loneliness. 

 

_I left all my happiness in your keeping. Do with me as you please. But if you think of leaving me again, cut my heart out and throw it away before you go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm an asshole. I know.


	25. Gamble Away My Fright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in a year, a year or so  
> This will slip into the sea  
> Well, it's been a long time, long time now  
> Since I've seen you smile....
> 
> Nantes- Beirut

__

 

Not telling Makoto about this is just as good as lying to him, and Sousuke knows that.

It was not an easy decision to make. But Sousuke decided a long time ago that Makoto would not get hurt again because of him. Still, the disappointment darkening those green eyes as they walked away from each other two days ago still makes Sousuke’s insides clench up uncomfortably.

 

“Sousuke, how are you now?” His mother is the same as ever. Long black hair sleeked back into a tight bun, and not a hint of grey to be seen. A slight, somewhat hesitant smile gracing her small lips. Eyes exactly the same as his own, sparkling unintentionally. She’s so small, looking like a delicate china figurine as she stands next to the two men towering above her- her overbearing husband and her stone-faced son.  

 

Sousuke’s father is almost as tall as him. Thick dark hair streaked with a little white, sharply combed back, emphasizing the square jaw which is tightened more than usual at the sight of his son. Both of Sousuke's parents are garbed in traditional wear under their warm, woolen coats. 

Sousuke nods at his mother to let her know he is fine. There are no embraces, no warmth, no tiptoed pecks on the cheek- nothing at all like Makoto’s parents.

Picking them up from the station in Rin’s car (borrowed especially for the occasion), Sousuke regrets not telling Makoto for what’s probably the 50th time.

“Are we having lunch with Rin, Sousuke?” His mother inquires softly from the backseat.

“Uh yeah. I hope you don’t mind.” Sousuke glances sideways at his rigid father, starting to feel anxious.

Of course he talked to Rin about his parents' visit. He had to tell _someone_. And Rin knows his family's situation best.  The redhead looked displeased about Makoto not knowing, but he'd shrugged his shoulders and let it slip.

It was Rin who offered to have them over for lunch. Both Sousuke and Rin thought that seeing Rin with his family before being introduced Makoto might make Sousuke’s parents a bit more forgiving. Haru scoffed at the idea, and didn’t respond when Sousuke asked him to keep the lunch a secret from Makoto.

Part of Sousuke wishes Haru has told Makoto, and that Makoto is going to be there- a little angry but still supportive. He wants to see his boyfriend, to hug him and kiss him and be comforted. But it's already too late for all that. 

Arriving at the little house by the sea, Sousuke helps his mother out of the car, and knocks on the door.

Midori answers, beaming at the guests.

The atmosphere inside Haru and Rin’s house is anything but formal. Sousuke knows it’s probably a purposeful touch.

Haru looks over at them from the couch, busy putting Ryu’s hair into little ponytails. Ryu always insists on having the same hairstyle as Midori. And Haru always obliges.

Rin is sitting next to them, trying to force Shinji on his lap in a rather misguided attempt at showing affection.

Seeing Sousuke walk in with his parents, Rin dislodges a relieved-looking Shinji and walks up to them, bowing courteously. Haru follows his husband’s lead, making the children line up and pay their respects.

Sousuke’s mother is instantly charmed by Midori and her brothers, letting the ponytailed Ryu lead her to the couch and tell her all about the merpeople who live in the ocean during the summer, and swim southward in the winter.

His father stands at the entrance, frowning at Rin and Haru. Having returning their greetings a bit stiffly, he hasn’t spoken a word. It's still better than insulting them for being _unnatural_ or _disgraceful_ , or  any of the other choice words Sousuke's had to put up with after coming out. 

He starts getting jittery, wanting desperately to hold Makoto’s hand. Wanting Makoto’s smile to charm the boots off his father. Wanting Makoto…

The awkwardness is broken, surprisingly, by Haru. He gestures respectfully to Sousuke’s father, leading him to the kotatsu in the backroom, away from the children’s noise.

Sousuke appreciatively notes that Haru had made the entire family dress in muted colors (apart from Ryu’s multicolored hair ties of course). He serves traditionally prepared matcha in elegant little dark blue cups, with homemade mochi.

Sousuke notices his father’s hostile silence melting into a relaxed sort of quietness, subtly aided by the homely and soothing mood Haru has created. He suddenly understands why Makoto and Haru are best friends, and why his rowdy best friend has chosen this seemingly cold man for his life partner.

His heart gushes with unspoken gratitude for Haru. If things work out, he can call Makoto right after lunch, and ask him over for dinner, so he can formally introduce his boyfriend to his parents.

“You have a good place here, Nanase. Wholesome.” Sousuke’s father finishes his tea with a satisfied sigh and nods approvingly at Haru. It is definitely the first time his father has used a positive word about Sousuke's friends, and it surprises him pleasantly. 

Haru starts talking in a low voice about the history of his house, his grandmother, the weather- all harmless little topics, easing the Yamazaki patriarch into a good mood.

Lunch is a quiet affair. Haru has gone to great lengths over preparing the menu. The food is simple, yet elegant and filling.

“So where is your…you know…” Sousuke’s father fidgets over his cup of coffee and an untouched pastry, which Haru has served for dessert.

“I…I didn’t tell him yet…” Sousuke goes red with nervousness and his guilt resurfaces.

His father snorts derisively in response, reinforcing the opinion he has of his son- _useless and cowardly_.

“I would have liked to see him, Sousuke.” His mother, for the first time in years perhaps, places a gentle hand on his arm, smiling encouragingly.

 

_Apparently getting shot and having a brush with death is the secret to getting your distant mother to show physical affection at long last._

 

“I want you to see him. Both of you. But I…I wanted to be sure that…” Now that Sousuke tries to put his doubts and worries into words, he realizes exactly how stupid he’s been.

“If you cannot even share your troubles with this man, what makes you think he is the one you love?” Yamazaki-san looks over at his son, his eyes narrowed in disdain.

“I didn’t want to expose Makoto to your hateful behavior. That’s why I didn’t let him meet you. Is that what you wanted to hear?” Sousuke shrugs off his mother’s hand, rejecting the affection he feels is too little, too late in finally making an appearance.

Haru tsks quietly, mumbling something under his breath that sounds a lot like _why does this always happen at my house_ , as he ushers his children away.

Rin stays behind, even though he looks clearly agitated, and Sousuke thanks him silently with a steady nod.

“You always have an excuse ready, don’t you? Blame your life on your cruel, harsh father. Go ahead, it’s nothing new to me.” The bitter smile on Yajiro Yamazaki’s face makes his son soften unexpectedly.

“Sousuke. We have been so worried about you. I’m sorry we couldn’t be there when you were…when you…I’m so glad you’re still alive…Oh Sousuke…” Raising a neatly hand-embroidered handkerchief to her face, Kinuko Yamazaki begins to cry copious tears.

“Okasan…” Sousuke places a sturdy arm around her shoulders and lets her cry onto his shirt.  

“Now, now, Kinuko. There’s no need for such a display in front of young Matsuoka.” Sousuke looks over at his father, and is surprised to see a grey-faced man with slumped shoulders, starting to give in to old age.

“I’ll cry if I want to, so shut up old man.” Despite the bleakness of the display, Sousuke starts laughing at his mother’s outburst.

In all the years spent at home, Sousuke had thought of his mother as a subdued piece of home décor, who occasionally prepared dinner for the family, and smiled absently at him from a distance. His father issued orders while she sat quietly by his side, head bowed in seeming obedience. His grip around her tightens as he imagines how hard her life must have been, how frigid and constricting.

“Sousuke, I do not agree with your choices. I probably won’t see eye to eye with you on all the decisions you make about your life. But that does not mean… Do not think so little of me that I would insult your…your partner to his face- no matter what I think about your relationship with him.” Yajiro Yamazaki might be a hard man, but he has never been purposely cruel.

Sousuke finds his heart going out to his parents for the first time in his life.

“So…Does that mean…Do you want to meet Makoto?” Sousuke’s face reddens at the thought, but warmth floods him at the way his mother nods, smiling up at him through her tears.

“If this is the man you love, then of course, we want to meet him Sousuke. We need to be sure that he’s worthy of you.” His father places a slightly shaking hand on his shoulder.

For the merest second, through the pleasant shock he feels at hearing these words, Sousuke swears he sees his father flash him the barest hint of a grin.

And an almost impossible, unbelievably quick little wink.

 


	26. Tears and Fraying Edges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're always walking in the rain  
> And you're just trouble, so I claim  
> Pretend the world can see  
> That I'm the one for you  
> And you're the one for me...
> 
> The Book Of You- Belle & Sebastian

After Makoto’s phone goes to voice mail for the sixth time, Sousuke knows it’s not an accident. Makoto is screening his calls, and he only has himself to blame.

But given the urgency of the situation, he needs to find Makoto and make up. And he needs to do it quickly.

His parents agreeing- no, actually _asking_ \- to meet Makoto is an unprecedented occurrence Sousuke is in no way prepared to handle.

Sacrificing his ego, Sousuke leaves his parents in the living room with Rin and the children- all of them chatting happily now that calm has been restored after the lunch debacle. He follows Haru down the hall leading to the bedrooms, after having signaled Rin to signal his husband to talk to Sousuke.

Haru turns around suddenly, as soon as they’re out of earshot, and crosses his arms, glaring questioningly at Sousuke.

“Hey, ummm, do you know where Makoto is?” Sousuke feels himself going red with embarrassment, shuffling his feet around like a 10 year old who’s broken his mother’s favorite teacup.

“Why don’t you call him and ask?” Haru is clearly not happy about being called out by Sousuke like this.

“I…He won’t…”

“Won’t answer your calls? Is that so? I wonder what you did this time?”

“Please, if you call him for me and…”

“Tsk. Fine, just stop whining. It doesn’t suit you.”

“Haru, thank you. I owe you. I do. You’ve done so much…”

“Save it, Sousuke. I did what I did for Makoto and Rin.”

Despite Haru’s aloof demeanour and cold words, Sousuke feels like hugging the shorter man.

Haru walks away from him, speaking quietly on his phone. When he turns back to face Sousuke, he looks serious.

“So? Will he see me?” Sousuke knows this is the wrong way to sort out the misunderstanding that has popped between him and Makoto, but he can worry about that later. Right now, all he wants is his boyfriend sitting next to him, close enough for Sousuke to feel the warmth and love that endlessly emanates from Makoto’s very being.

“Ugh. Yes. He’s always been irrationally attached to you, so he will. He’s at work. He’ll be waiting for you.”

“Did you…?”

“No, I did not tell him anything. It’s not my place to meddle in your relationship. Go fix it yourself.”

With a final glare from Haru and a stuttering excuse offered to his slightly bewildered parents, Sousuke grabs his coat and Rin’s car keys before rushing out.

Outside the library, he takes a couple of moments to calm himself down. Sousuke feels like the second he sees Makoto, he will want to just kiss him breathless and take him right to bed. But that is not where things stand right now. And it’s his own fault.

Momotaru offers Sousuke a jerky nod instead of his usual wave and smile, which makes the slight hope rising in his chest wilt into nothingness. Dreading Makoto’s anger, he goes into the archival room. His boyfriend is sitting at the table, lost in thought over a cold cup of tea and scattered documents, the long sleeves of his favorite, Haru-made blue sweater pulled over his hands- a nervous habit of Makoto’s that Sousuke finds rather adorable.

Instinctively, Sousuke walks over and hugs Makoto gently from behind, kissing the tip of his right ear. Startled, Makoto jumps a little bit in his seat, yelping at the feel of Sousuke’s tongue.

The taller man lets go, lets his lover turn around and stand up to face him nervously. Makoto is blushing prettily- the red spreading all the way to his ears- one of the many reasons Sousuke likes to tease him so much.

“So…I guess if you’re here to break up with me that’s a pretty misleading way to start the conversation.” Makoto avoids making eye contact with Sousuke, choosing to stare at the floor instead.

“Why would you…Ugh, no it’s my fault.” Sousuke pulls his boyfriend close- squeezing Makoto’s body tightly against his- instead of looking for words that would probably come out wrong and stilted anyway.

“So…we’re not…” Makoto softly clings to Sousuke’s jacket, easing himself into the hug, letting out a deep breath when he feels safe enough in his boyfriend’s arms.

“No. We’re never, ever breaking up.” Sousuke breathes in the familiar smell he's missed so much. Makoto’s own intoxicating musk mixed with cherry blossoms and fabric softener. It’s quite obvious that Makoto has been wearing the same sweater for a couple of days now. Maybe he’s even been sleeping in it to replace Sousuke’s missing warmth from his bed. At the thought of Makoto sleeping alone, holding himself, Sousuke places a few lingering, gentle kisses on top of Makoto’s head. They stay close together for a few minutes, anchoring themselves to each other again, letting their bodies speak for their hearts.

“Haru said it was an emergency?” Makoto asks in a hushed voice, his face still buried in the crook of Sousuke’s neck.

“Yeah. Well. I should have told you that day instead of shutting you out. But…Ugh. Okay, here it is. My parents. They’re here. They want to meet you.” Slightly worried at the way Makoto lets go of him at hearing this piece of news, Sousuke loosens his grip around the brunet’s waist and looks at the green eyes finally turned upward to meet his gaze.

“Your parents? Why didn’t you tell me? You endured this all on your own? Did you think you were being heroic by bearing the burden alone? Did you think shutting me out like this wasn’t going to hurt me? Sousuke, you’re not a goddamn samurai, okay, so stop acting like one.” Makoto frustratedly pushes Sousuke away, breaking the embrace.

“I know. I’m…I’ve been…I should have told you. But I…I really didn’t think they’d be open to meeting you. And I knew you’d wanna see them. And I didn’t want you to face the same…Makoto, your family…You don’t realize how amazing they are. I didn’t want to expose you to the cold, hurtful behavior I’ve had to live with for this long. I…I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please, Makoto. Be angry at me, but…” Sousuke grabs Makoto by the shoulders, wanting to hold him close again.

“Stop trying to be so brave Sousuke. All by yourself. What’s the point of having me if you won’t even share your troubles with me? What’s the point of us being together if you keep things hidden from me?”

“Makoto. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

It’s Makoto who kisses him first. Closing the distance between them, letting their lips meet, holding Sousuke’s face in the palms of both his hands, as if he’s receiving the gift of an answered prayer. Sousuke’s arms find Makoto’s waist again, bringing him close. The taste of coffee and sweet things in both their mouths mingles pleasantly, warmly. Their slow caressing tongues, carefully sharing silent secrets as they slide against each other. Sousuke wants to slap himself for deliberately keeping away from Makoto- for not partaking in the feel of him, the taste of him- for so long.

“I love you so much, Makoto.”

“Then be a better boyfriend.”

With a soft chuckle, Sousuke brushes his lips against Makoto’s forehead, still savoring the taste in his mouth.

On the drive back to Haru and Rin’s, Sousuke fills Makoto in on the events of the day. Though they’ve resumed talking to each other again as though nothing’s happened, Sousuke can sense the hurt in Makoto's heart, in the way he closes his eyes tight when he smiles as though he's in pain, how he smiles a little too much, how his shoulders are a bit slumped, how he spends more time gazing out of the window than glancing at Sousuke like he normally does.

Even after all the promises he’s made to himself not to hurt Makoto, Sousuke can’t seem to get it right. In his heart of hearts, he knows Makoto deserves better. He knows Makoto can do better. The uncertainty rises like bitter bile to the back of his throat, stealing Makoto’s taste from him.

Outside the little house by the ocean, Sousuke reaches out for Makoto’s hand, still fighting against the doubt gnawing at his heart.

 

********

 

“Uncle Mako!” A chorus of childish voices greets them as they enter, and Makoto breaks away from Sousuke, surrounded by a whirlwind of small arms and excited laughter.

After extricating himself from the three excited children, with Rin’s assistance, Makoto nervously walks into the living room to greet Sousuke’s parents.

In a slightly trembling voice, he bows carefully as he offers a respectful welcome to the intimidatingly graceful couple sitting on Haru’s best couch. Makoto isn’t dressed as formally as his friends, and he suddenly blushes as he becomes aware of his appearance being scrutinized by Sousuke’s father.

Sousuke’s fingers forcefully entwine with his again, and he feels steadier as he smiles shyly at his boyfriend’s parents.

“Well, I knew you would be pretty Makoto. Isn’t he pretty, dear?” Sousuke’s mother reaches out a dainty little hand out to Makoto, with a slim silver ring encrusted with diamonds around her ring finger.

Makoto takes it gingerly, and lets himself be guided to sit on the couch next to Kinuko Yamazaki.

“I think the word you’re looking for is _handsome_ , my love.” Yajiro Yamazaki offers Makoto a gruff laugh, but his eyes, cold and narrow, are still a little frightening, and not entirely accepting.

“Nonsense. Look at these gorgeous green eyes. Like polished jade. Oh and what a perfect smile. Pretty is as pretty does. I do say my son has chosen himself a pretty bride.” Kinuko keeps an iron grip on Makoto’s hand, as the brunet looks around the room, quietly asking his friends and his lover for help.

“Mother, please.” Sousuke weakly attempts to intervene, but Makoto can tell he’s enjoying the scene before his eyes, from the way he’s smirking proudly at having Makoto referred to as his bride.

“Please nothing. Why were you hiding this beautiful boy from us?” 

“I…ummm…” Sousuke cowers under his mother’s hawkish scowl.

“Because he wanted to protect Makoto from his overbearing father, I presume. So Makoto, what is that you do for a living?” Yajiro leans over a little to take in Makoto’s red-faced lack of composure.

“Now, now dear. Sousuke already told us. He’s an archivist at the library. Isn’t that true, Makoto?” Kinuko continues smiling fondly at Makoto, as though she’s found a cute little Pomeranian she’d like to take home with her.

“Let the man speak for himself, my love, please.” Yajiro sighs exasperatedly, sharing a brief look of exasperation with Makoto.

 

And then Makoto smiles. Really, really smiles. The kind of honest, straight from-the-heart smile that first knocked Sousuke’s socks off, and made him lose his head with the fear and uncertainty of an unexpected first love.

His eyes glow a little, as though a shining sunbeam is trapped in each emerald iris. Then the lids flicker shut slowly, and his lips form the sweetest arch any mortal has ever seen, and his head tilts softly to the side.

 

Yajiro Yamazaki’s eyes widen at the spectacle, and his heart suddenly feels too full. In this green-eyed smile, Yajiro finds traces of his own youth, of his first love for a black-haired girl with teal eyes who liked small, fluffy dogs and sang quietly to herself when she thought no one was around. He remembers the music of speaking her name for the first time- the two of them meeting alone together under the shadow of a moonlit cedar tree. He remembers the first time he took her to bed. He remembers holding his children in his arms for the first time, squealing pink masses of snot and love. The book of his  life is suddenly imbued with a golden glow he always felt the years had robbed him of.

When Yajiro returns to himself, he sees Kinuko as he saw her years ago, bathed in the soft light of his own unabated love for her silences, for her smiles, for her hard-won heart. He sees his son- teal eyes laughing again, looking so much like his mother- as if there is a fire lit up inside Sousuke's chest, keeping him warm, keeping him safe.

Yajiro looks at Sousuke properly for the first time in years, and he knows his son will be fine.

 

“So, shall we get going? You can rest at my apartment, and then Makoto and I will take you out for dinner.” Sousuke looks at Yajiro, asking silently for approval.

“Of course. Yes. That sounds…pleasant.” And Yajiro means it. 

As they leave the house, Makoto hands over his car keys to Rin, since Sousuke’s taken possession of his best friend’s for the duration of his parents’ stay.

Sousuke excuses himself suddenly as soon as his parents and Makoto are seated inside Rin’s car.

He runs back to the house, pushes Rin out of the doorway, and grabs Haru by the arms, squeezing the blue-eyed man in a tight hug before running off again.

Behind him, he can hear Rin’s laughter and Haru’s wordless angry hissing.

Sousuke takes his seat behind the wheel, with Makoto laughing next to him, and his parents in the backseat, holding each other’s hands, whispering quietly together as though recalling a precious memory they’d forgotten years ago.  

 

_Love turns with the years and finds us again, though our memories fade with the passing of every winter. The touch of your hands, the light in your eyes, the sound of your voice, the music of your heart- though remembrance of the things you've said to me is lost to the seasons, I will always know you in my soul. I will always be yours._


	27. Drifting Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trade our places  
> Take no chances  
> Bind me 'til my lips are silent
> 
> Stay where you are  
> Ever, after  
> Chasing things that we should run from...
> 
> Tether- Chvrches

 

The restaurant they end up having dinner at is Haru’s recommendation. The ambience is comforting and the tables set up in booth-like enclosures give a sense of privacy, as if they’re at home.

Kinuko insists on sitting next to Makoto, and Sousuke smiles a little too self-assuredly as he takes his seat opposite his boyfriend. Makoto keeps laughing prettily (there really isn’t another way to describe Makoto’s little laugh in Sousuke’s opinion) at Kinuko’s remarks, and fidgeting with his too-long shirt sleeves.

Because he’s all too conscious of wearing Sousuke’s shirt, sitting with Sousuke’s parents, his legs resting comfortably against Sousuke’s under the table. And just last night, he cried himself to sleep because he thought they were breaking up.

The anxious uncertainty of his relationship with Sousuke sometimes overwhelms him, rips it of its pleasures. But moments like this, with Sousuke’s gaze fixed happily on him, end up winning his heart all over again.

It isn’t a permanent solution, and Makoto knows that being passive will get him nowhere with Sousuke. He has known it for a while now, but Sousuke makes him feel so safe when he’s around that every worry retreats to the back of his head, turning into indistinct white noise.

“So Makoto, what is it exactly that you do at the library?” Yajiro pushes aside his post-dinner saké and turns his attention to the brunet.

“Well…I do a lot of things, really. We have a small library and not many workers, so I get to multitask a lot. Right now, I’m working on organizing these old letters. A sailor wrote them to his family I think, while he was at sea. Of course he’d have no way of sending them back, so no one probably never got to read them. It makes me sad, but they’re so personal and so beautifully written. It's been a long project, but I like it.” Makoto’s eyes light up, gold and green, as he explains his project to Yajiro.

He forgets sometimes how much he loves his work. After convincing himself that he couldn’t write professionally, Makoto turned his attention to other people’s words- reading them, sorting them out, losing himself in their lives and dreams. That’s what he does best anyway. Shelve away his self-interest to look after everyone else.

When he was younger, it was a source of comfort, of self-worth- this selfless drive to put everyone else before himself. But lately, it feels as though it’s eating away at the heart of him. He can no longer understand his own needs and desires. He feels cut off from his own soul. The only thing anchoring him is Sousuke. And the tether tying them together seems too thin to secure Makoto properly.  

“I’d love to see these letters, if that’s possible.” Yajiro seems genuinely interested in Makoto’s work, in a way that none of his friends have been. Not even Sousuke. A part of Makoto feels the sharp pain of this partial neglect, though it makes him feel guilty to want their attention.

“Makoto writes really well too. Some of his poems are like, publication worthy.” Sousuke beams at him from across the border of empty plates and tall glasses of beer.

“Really? You write poetry? You have the hands for it, you know. Slender fingers, and pink half-moon nails. A poet’s hands. Now my Yajiro, he never had the least bit of imagination. No poems for me.” Kinuko looks over at her husband reproachfully, who lets out a hearty laugh.

“Well…Sou’s exaggerating. I didn’t really…I’m not very good.” Makoto is taken aback at the revelation that Sousuke’s read his poetry.

How could he have found any of that old trash? Unless…Haru. Of course. Haru is the one who keeps finding the discarded scraps of paper strewn with mismatched words and saving them.

“Nonsense dear. Even though my son has even less knowledge of the finer things in life than Yajiro, I’m sure you write beautifully. You must show me your work when you visit us.” Kinuko keeps petting him carefully, like a favorite puppy. Makoto finds himself relaxing in her presence, enjoying her playfulness.

The night drifts on comfortably, echoing with laughter and plaintive conversation. Old wounds slowly begin to heal, and new bonds take shape in the darkness, glowing like firefly trails.

When it’s time to leave, Makoto feels suddenly alone again. The prospect of giving up Sousuke’s nearness for another night becomes unbearable to him.

“So how about you show us the library tomorrow, Makoto? After breakfast?” Yajiro claps him on the shoulder as they stand outside the restaurant, shivering slightly in their coats, waiting for Sousuke to bring the car around.

“Oh. That’d be my pleasure. I’ll ask Sousuke to bring you over.” Makoto gives his best close-eyes smile to Yajiro.

“But you’ll be staying over tonight, won’t you dear?” Kinuko looks at him a little worriedly.

“Ahhh…I…I don’t think that…” Makoto feels flustered, backed up into a corner. There’s nothing better he’d like to do than go home with Sousuke and share his bed tonight. But he feels that it would be selfish, careless. 

“Don’t worry about us, Makoto. We know you two have been together long enough now to...you know... In fact, I’m surprised you’re not living together yet.” Yajiro blushes a little uncomfortably.

Makoto realizes how bothersome it must be for Yajiro, to come to terms with his son’s lifestyle so quickly, when it’s so much at odds with what he considers appropriate. He feels his chest well up with gratitude.

As he takes his place beside Sousuke, Makoto is overwhelmed by worry again. What if Sousuke drives him back to his place instead of taking him home?

And for once, he decides to be a little selfish.

“Hey, Sou, can I…?” It shouldn’t be this difficult to ask for such a small thing, but the sentence cuts itself off in Makoto's throat.

“Hmmm? I didn’t hear you, Mako. By the way, it’s okay for you to go to work from mine right? Seeing as dad will probably want to spend the day stalking you at the library. I don’t wanna force you but…I will if I have to.” Sousuke smirks at him with the assurance and intimacy of love, and Makoto thinks he will cry.

“Uh…Yeah. I don’t mind staying with you tonight. Not at all.” This game of push and pull is taking its toll on Makoto. But if Sousuke is happy, then…

 

 

Back at Sousuke’s apartment, sleepy threads of conversation weave around the burning fireplace like a lullaby, tinged with the scent of hot matcha and Sousuke’s homemade financier cakes.

And then it’s time to sleep.

Makoto feels awkward, bidding Sousuke’s parents goodnight before being led away to Sousuke’s bedroom.

It feels like some sort of soft, drifting change has come over their relationship during the short span of this day. Makoto wonders why taking a shower in his boyfriend’s apartment (with Sousuke’s hands all over his body, lathering him up) feels so much like home. More than anywhere else, ever before.

He lets Sousuke kiss him all over and towel him dry before putting his boyfriend’s button-down shirt back on.  

 

 

“Hey, keep the shirt on Mako.” Sousuke grabs the brunet’s wrists as they get ready for bed.

“Uhh..Why?” Makoto raises his eyebrows, but his cheeks burn with the knowledge that Sousuke is ready to take charge. The taller man always dominates Makoto in bed, and Makoto loves giving in to his demands.

“Just indulge me, okay. And take off your underwear. I wanna mess you up just wearing my shirt tonight.” Sousuke helps Makoto out of his boxers and pushes him down on the bed, onto his back.

He sits on the bed beside Makoto and starts playing with strands of damp, brown hair.  Makoto sighs sweetly, closes his eyes and lets himself enjoy the attention.

Sousuke takes advantage of the lowered defences and climbs on top of his boyfriend. A heavy weight presses down on Makoto’s chest and Sousuke’s crotch moves against his, making him moan under his breath.

“Shhh…You’ll wake up my parents.” Sousuke is shirtless, his skin still warm from the shower. The bulge in his black underpants starts moving against Makoto’s own budding hardness. Makoto closes his mouth with his fist to stop himself from sounding out his pleasure, his eyes tearing up from days of built-up lust finally being gratified.

“Sou…This isn’t the..uuhhhh…best idea…aaannhhhh…” Makoto’s voice trails off as Sousuke sits up on top of him, pushing down onto Makoto’s hard cock, slowly sliding his firm ass against it.

Deft fingers undo the buttons of the shirt, exposing Makoto's body. 

“Let’s act like a couple of horny teenagers tonight, shall we? Keep it down so my parents don’t hear us? I wanna ride you tonight Makoto. I wanna ride you so bad.” This unprecedented demand makes Makoto emit a choked up grunt of surprised desire.

“B-but…I haven’t prepped you or anything…” Makoto’s protests are sealed with a kiss, as Sousuke leans down and takes his time sucking on the tip of Makoto’s tongue.

“Stop fussing. I prepared myself after we showered. You have no idea how badly I wanna feel you inside me, Mako. God, I missed you so fucking much. I love you. So much, Makoto. Anhhhhhhhh.” Sousuke pulls down his underpants and shoves a couple of fingers inside his already lube-slick entrance.

At the same time, he moves himself up Makoto’s chest, and the head of his cock brushes against Makoto’s lips. The brunet opens his mouth and starts licking at the tip. Sousuke has to bite his bottom lip to stop himself from shouting out his lover’s name.

The muffled grunting, the rhythmic panting, softly creaking bed springs, and the wet sounds of their sex wrap them both up in a hypnotic state, removed from time, aware only of each other.

As Makoto lets the head of Sousuke’s cock out of his mouth with a lewd popping sound, the weight on top of him shifts, and before he knows it, Sousuke is straddling his cock, starting to move on top of him.

One fist in his mouth, one pumping his dripping hardness on top of Makoto's navel, Sousuke takes complete control of their bodies as he brings them both to completion. Makoto’s head is engulfed in a bright white light as he cums inside his lover, jerking his hips upwards to thrust deeper inside until he’s fully spent. Moments later, he feels the wet heat of Sousuke’s orgasm on his mouth and chest. He licks the edges of his lips clean, tasting his lover, sighing with satisfaction.

Sousuke collapses on top him, softly calling out his name, their bodies still connected.

“That was…amazing…Makoto…you’re amazing.”

“You’re so full of crap, Sou…”

“That might be true. But I’m also full of love for you. And your cum.”

“Ugh, shut up, you’re such a pervert. Your parents might have heard us, you know. How will I face them in the morning?”

“You can hold your head high and tell them what a great ass their son has, and how hard you pumped it full of your…”

“Shut up!”

“Stop shouting.”

“Stop being stupid then.”

They break out into muffled giggling, their heated foreheads resting against each other.

 

“Hey Mako.”

“Hmmm?”

“Move in with me.”

“Eh?”

“Live with me. It’ll take us a while to find a new place together and I can’t wait that long. I start acting stupid without you and I need you here to keep me in line and tell me when I’m being an asshole. Please, Mako.”

Somehow, Sousuke finds a way to say the words floating shapelessly inside Makoto's head.

Makoto nods quietly, relieved, happy, his heart breaking from its fullness. 

"Yes. I want to. Yes, Sou. I want to live with you."

"Good. I won't have to handcuff you to my bed then. Actually, I might do it anyway. You'll have to repay tonight's favor after my parents leave Makoto. I wanna hear your voice, loud and clear." 

They whisper silly, scared secrets to each other as they fall asleep together. 

Forever is a long way to go, and they both have reasons to be wary of the word.

But being together like this pushes the limits of time, and makes it irrelevant. 

 

_You read me like your favorite childhood story, the words secured in your memory for an eternity. Will you remember my name after you forget everything else? Will I be the last thought in your head before darkness shrouds it? Because I think my love for you will outlast me. Because I think my memory of you will never fade. And I want to possess you the same way. I want us both to haunt each other. Forever._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update took too long, so I ended up making it smutty. To be honest, in the draft inside my head, it was just supposed to be a little bit of playfulness before Makoto and Sousuke fall asleep, but when I was typing it out, Sousuke ended up riding Makoto. Which is something I never imagined writing for this fic at least. But here we are. It just felt like their dynamic is changing a little at this point, and the relationship is balancing itself out a little. They're turning from boyfriends into proper lovers, and becoming serious about the life they want to share with each other.


	28. Stand Beside Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You catch everything I never could  
> You believed when I gave up for good  
> And when you stand beside me, I could tell I was stronger than I've ever been  
> But if you're gone, you know you don't come back...
> 
> Rainy Taxi- Spoon

“Urrggghh. How do you do this, Mako? My butt hurts…” Sousuke’s spent most of the night sleeping on top of Makoto, but he rolled over on his side eventually, and onto his back. And he's woken up with aching hips, and dull pain inside his core. 

Makoto mumbles an incoherent reply as Sousuke kisses him softly on the cheek, still asleep huddled up in a nest of blankets.

Sousuke is an early riser, while Makoto loves sleeping in for as long as he can, and usually has to be blackmailed out of bed with promises of coffee and donuts.

He showers hurriedly, taking care to clean himself properly, wincing a little, learning to appreciate Makoto a million times more than he already does.

Sousuke cannot deny that it felt good to have Makoto inside him, that it was the best way to reassert his love to his uncertain boyfriend- but some urge in him is still unsatisfied.

Throwing on a t-shirt and sweatpants, he walks out into the living space. The lights are still off, but the early morning sun had draped everything in a soft rose-gold light. From the kitchen, a nostalgic scent of almond, eggs, butter and vanilla drifts out.

“Still wake up early, eh?” Yajiro is dressed in immaculate dark blue cotton pajamas, which look as though they've been recently ironed to perfection, and not slept in at all. There is a cake in the oven, and Sousuke’s father is busy preparing matcha for everyone’s breakfast, using his own personalized utensils that he takes everywhere with him. As expected of a traditional teahouse owner. And Yajiro is very proud of his business, which is his family's legacy. 

Sousuke was supposed to inherit it from his father, but he refused when he was 16, having adamantly set his heart on swimming professionally.

And when that dream fell through, Yajiro thought his son might come back home, might take his rightful place in the Yamazaki household. But things didn't quite work out that way. It was Yajiro's daughter who would up inheriting the teahouse after he and Kinuko were gone.  

“You didn’t have to do all this, dad, really. You should have woken me up.” Sousuke starts setting the table to help out his father.

“Oh don’t worry about it. I haven’t done this in a while. Not since your mother decided we’re both too old, and hired all sorts of housekeepers and a cook. I feel like I live in an inn, not my house.” Yajiro chuckles as he talks, handing over a cup of freshly prepared matcha to Sousuke.

Sousuke helps take the cake out of the oven, cutting it into pieces. It’s his father’s trademark marzipan cake that he used to make when Sousuke was growing up. A way of showing the affection that Yajiro couldn’t really put into words. It was part of the reason Sousuke had taught himself to bake and cook all of Makoto’s favorite things instead of just walking up to him and saying how madly in love he was. 

Something Sousuke still has a tendency to do. Something he needs to fix. He can’t let Makoto worry again like that, make him think they're breaking up. Sousuke’s never quite realized until now how completely insecure Makoto still is about their relationship.

“He’s quite a catch, you know. Your Makoto.” Yajiro’s gaze lingers on the steam rising from his teacup, as father and son settle down at the table.

“And you’re fine with this? With our…With us being lovers, I mean?”

“Well. You know, it’s not like we didn’t suspect, your mother and I. Especially after you told us about Rin marrying that nice boy with blue eyes. Nanase, was it? You stopped visiting us after that. Your mother thought, maybe you were in love with Rin…But I always hoped it wasn’t like that. I kept hoping for a sweet daughter-in-law, a couple more grand kids. A chance to boast about you to everyone.”

“I guess I’m an overall disappointment, then. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t…Don’t put it like that, Sousuke. You know that’s not true. I’m not the best when it comes to…you know…”

“Talking? Expressing your emotions? Yeah. I inherited that from you, dad, thanks.”

“Hmph. I guess you did. You’re more like me than I’d like to admit, Sousuke.”

“I could say the same about you.”

“Hmmm. I guess you could.”

“Listen dad. I’m…I really am sorry. For how I am. For the way I turned out to be. Not that I’d want to be anything else. If you asked me now- now that I have _him_ in my life- if I’d give it up for everything else I’ve lost. I’d say no. I’m happy where I am right now. And I’m glad that you…That you’re trying to understand at least. I appreciate that, dad. I really do.”

“Sousuke. You must know that we love you. Always have, no matter what you did, no matter who you were with. But we are your parents. So we worry about you. We won’t ever stop worrying about you. It hurt us…Yes, it hurt me incredibly when you…When you couldn’t swim anymore, when you refused to carry on Yamazaki traditions. How you hid all the pain away until it was too late. You never…You could have told me. I kept waiting for you to come and talk to me. I guess that was my fault. I never let you know how much you mean to me, how much I love you. You could hurt us by staying away, by not talking to us about the things that were important to you. But you could never disappoint us, Sousuke. That’s not how love works.”

Never has Yajiro spoken so long and so openly to his son before, and he probably never will again. Sousuke understands that, and the words mean all the more to him for that reason.

Father and son finish their tea in mutual silence, smiling like smiles with their thin lips. Feeling at ease with each other for the first time since Sousuke was a toddler, and wouldn’t fall asleep unless Yajiro hummed old songs to him.

“By the way, the walls in this place are paper thin. If your mother wasn’t such a sound sleeper, and I didn’t have my earplugs on me…Maybe buy a proper house for the next time we visit, eh?” Yajiro chuckles again, rising to greet his wife and Makoto as they take their seats at the breakfast table.

Sousuke blushes, looking over at Makoto’s slightly pale face, thinking about the night before.

Makoto yawns loudly, looking like he’ll drop right back to sleep any minute. Sousuke gets up to fetch his boyfriend some fresh-brewed coffee, and places a full mug in front of him, along with a kiss on his forehead.

Kinuko is especially moved by this display, and insists that Yajiro do the same for her.

They all end up spending their morning at the library, getting Makoto to show them around. Yajiro especially likes the quietness of the archives where Makoto works, and decides to spend the entire day with him, browsing through old letters and books and maps.

Sousuke takes his mother shopping for souvenirs for his sister and her family. He hasn’t seen his nephew and niece in years, and buys them a few presents to compensate for the lack of visits. On the cards accompanying the assortment of candies, small plushies, and ocean-themed stationery items, he signs both his and Makoto’s names.

They’re a family now, even though it’s just the two of them so far. Sousuke wants to make sure Makoto knows that too, along with everyone else.

After an early dinner at Sousuke’s place, he and Makoto drive the Yamazakis to the train station. Despite their pleas to stay a little longer, Yajiro insists on getting back to his teahouse as soon as possible. Kinuko wants to stay and meet Makoto’s parents, but she won’t let her husband leave on his own. The two are inseparable as they’ve always been, their quiet closeness only growing deeper with the years. 

Sousuke looks at Makoto as they’re waving goodbye to the departing train. The last rays of a setting sun light up his smiling face. His green eyes sparkle, as if they’re sprinkled with gold dust. And as he reaches out for his lover’s hand, clasping it hard in his own, Sousuke knows that they will be together until they’re both old and grey and bent.

 

*************

 

“Sousuke…Stop already…” Makoto is on his back, on the bed they shared last night, completely naked. Sousuke, still in his boxers, is resting between Makoto’s legs, his hands gently caressing his lover’s hips, his lips kissing the taut skin of Makoto’s stomach.

“I’m not stopping, Mako. I already told you, I’m gonna kiss every part of you tonight.” Sousuke slides his tongue into the slight hollow of Makoto’s navel, stroking the folds, listening to Makoto's alternating sighs and gasps.

Makoto moans in a soft, lingering voice, arching his back slightly.

After returning from the station, Sousuke undressed Makoto, and vowed to kiss every inch of his boyfriend's body to make up for leaving him in the dark before.

Sousuke started with Makoto’s toes, kissing every single one, tracing a path with his lips leading up Makoto’s legs, between his thighs, his hips…

Makoto’s nipples are always responsive to Sousuke’s tongue and teeth, but they’re especially sensitive this night. Sousuke moves up so he’s on top of Makoto, and pinches one pink bud between his fingers as his tongue toys with the other. He can feel Makoto’s erection against his own, wet and throbbing.

Keeping his attention on Makoto’s chest, Sousuke starts moving his hardness against Makoto’s, grunting with the satisfaction of this intimate contact between them.

“Unnhhh…Sou…Enough already, please…Annhhhhh…” Makoto tangles his fingers up in Sousuke’s hair, as the taller man continues to suck on his chest.

As the friction builds up between them, Sousuke slides up so he can look at Makoto’s face.

Tears of embarrassment and intense desire glitter at the corners of his green eyes. He is biting his lower lip to stop the sounds of pleasure from escaping his mouth. His cheeks are flushed pink. His forehead beaded with sweat, his face radiating heat.

Sousuke kisses Makoto deep and long, tasting every corner of his mouth, drawing patterns on Makoto’s lips, his chin, his cheeks, his neck, with a slick tongue.  

“Turn over, Makoto.”

And the brunet obeys quietly, trembling a little.

Sousuke’s cock is painfully hard, but he isn’t done kissing every bit of Makoto yet. Unlike the lingering affection bestowed on the front of Makoto’s body, the muscular, rippling back draws out a certain bestial hunger in Sousuke.

Makoto’s back has always been so beautiful, as though carved from marble. His tongue slides up the toned length of Makoto’s legs, and his teeth sink lightly into the firm, plump flesh of Makoto’s ass.

“Nghhhnnnghhh…Sousukeeeeeee…” Makoto starts moving his body on his own, trying to ease his building lust by moving his cock against the bed sheets. Sousuke sits up, positioning himself on the back of Makoto’s thighs, sliding his cock against Makoto’s round ass, which glistening with spit and red with bite marks.

By the time he’s done with Makoto’s back, it’s completely covered in hickeys and Sousuke’s cum.

Makoto still hasn’t orgasmed and Sousuke realizes he’s trying to get himself off by rubbing his dick against the insufficient firmness of the bed.

Sousuke grabs Makoto by the shoulders and turns him over so they’re face to face again. Trailing more kisses all the way from Makoto’s forehead down to his cock, Sousuke takes the dripping length deep into his mouth.

Makoto comes with a shuddering call of his lover’s name, going limp as Sousuke drinks down every drop of his cum.

“You taste so good, Mako. Here, try some.” Sousuke falls in bed next to Makoto, getting his fingers licked clean by his blushing boyfriend.

They spend an hour kissing each other, savoring the way their damp, heated bodies tangle together leisurely in the messed up bedding.

As Makoto snuggles up against Sousuke’s chest, already half-asleep, Sousuke runs his fingers through the damp, brown locks, breathing in the scent of their togetherness. Nothing has ever made him feel more at ease than this.

“Makoto. I’m sorry.”

“Mmmmm…What for?”

“For not talking to you properly. About my parents. And everything else.”

“That’s okay, Sou. You already apologized and I understand. Let’s sleep now. I have work in the morning.”

“It’s not okay, babe. I made you worry. I made you think we were breaking up.”

Makoto lifts his head up sleepily to look at Sousuke, resting his chin on his lover’s chest.

“You’re not the only one to blame, you know. I’m…I should have talked to you. I didn’t want you to leave, but I told you it was fine. I wanted to cling to you and cry and shout, but I just smiled and nodded, didn’t I?”

“Mako…”

“But I’m telling you now, Sou. I get worried. I think about the worst possible scenario for every situation and I scare myself. Especially when it comes to you.”

“I love you Makoto. I have no intention of ever leaving you. You’re the first person I ever fell in love with, did I tell you that?”

“Seriously? Is that why you acted like…”

“An asshole? Yeah, probably. My parents, they…They’re not like yours, you know. They were making an effort this time, so you can’t tell how withdrawn they usually are. Our family, we never really talked about personal stuff with each other, you know. I was never used to being open about my feelings. And everything just happened with me all at once. Not being able to swim anymore, realizing I was attracted to other boys, falling in love with you…So I just…God, I hate myself for the things I did, Mako…”

“Sousuke, please. Stop dredging up the past, okay? We’ve talked about this before. I don’t want to…”

Makoto buries his face in the crook of Sousuke’s neck as unexpected tears drift down his cheeks.

“I won’t hide anything from you ever again Mako. And this weekend, you’re moving in with me, okay? No arguments.”

Makoto simply nods his head, still hiding himself as Sousuke gently ruffles his hair.

_The soft sound of your breathing in my ear, the moonlight turning your sex-stained skin to ivory and pearls, your fingers laced up with mine as you fall asleep on my chest. These are the treasures I will hoard in my memory, fading into age and forgetfulness by your side. I have found my forever in the shadow of your bent lashes, the arabesque curve of your spine, the sound of my name in your voice. My youth and age, my life and death- everything I have- it's all yours._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I'm feeling empty or anxious or down, I end up baking. And more recently, I've been writing this fic to make myself feel better. That's why I had Yajiro bake a cake in this chapter- because I'm having an awful week, and that's what I did today too. And I like to think that the Yamazaki family business is a traditional Japanese teahouse. So I introduced that headcanon in this chapter too.   
> I'm writing this story mostly to indulge my domestic fantasies about Sousuke and Makoto. Sometimes it gains readers, and sometimes it loses them. But I will probably continue writing this long after my other fics are done with. Because writing domestic, loving scenarios between my OTP brings me so much joy, and I'd like to keep sharing this for as long as I can. Thank you for reading.


	29. A Hand to Lay on Your Open Palm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are angels in your angles   
> There's a low moon caught in your tangles   
> There's a ticking at the sill   
> There's a purr of a pigeon to break the still of day 
> 
> As on we go drowning   
> Down we go away   
> And darling, we go a-drowning   
> Down we go away   
> Away...
> 
> Of Angels and Angles- The Decemberists

“Well, I think is the last one, Makoto.” Rin puts down a large cardboard box on the floor of Sousuke’s living room and collapses on the couch next to Midori.

“Eww dad, you’re sweaty.” Midori laughs and pulls her father’s ponytail as he swoops her up for a hug.

“Thanks for this guys. I didn’t even realize I had this much stuff piled up.” Makoto, who has been forcibly pulled into his boyfriend’s lap, tries his best to look respectable in front of his godchildren.

“Hey it’s about time you two made this relationship official anyway. So we don’t mind lending a hand.” Nagisa beams at the happy couple, sitting next to Haru, and enjoying a freshly prepared latte courtesy of Rei.

“As if you did any of the heavy lifting, you little sneak. You and Haru just sat around with the kids while us manly men did all the work.” Rin pouts at Nagisa, accepting a mug of black coffee (sweetened with 3 spoonfuls of sugar) from Rei.

Sousuke has bought a new coffeemaker to mark the occasion of Makoto moving in, knowing how addicted his boyfriend is to his morning (and afternoon and evening) dose of caffeine. Of course Rei becomes extremely interested in the science-lab equipment look of it, picks up the manual and decides to try it out while Rin, Sousuke, and Makoto  move boxes from Haru’s station wagon to Sousuke’s apartment.

“Oh hush. I got them something _useful_ instead of helping them move boxes.” Nagisa smirks at Rin with his eyes closed, pointing at a large pink gift box tied with bright yellow ribbon.

“Oh don’t tell me…” Rin gapes at Nagisa and goes red all over.

“Ooooh can I see what’s in it, Nagisa-chan?” Midori makes for the package and Rin grabs her just in the nick of time, yelping loudly.

“That is…ummm…a surprise for Makoto and Sousuke. We don’t wanna ruin it for them, do we?” Nagisa shamelessly winks at a disappointed Midori.

“Should I be worried about what’s in there?” Sousuke raises his eyebrows at Rin.

“No. But Makoto should.” Haru glowers at the brightly colored box as though it’s made insulting remarks about his bathtub.

“Eh?” Makoto, who’s just about ready to have a catnap in Sousuke’s arms, snaps up at the sound of his name, trying to follow the thread of conversation.

“Don’t worry about it Makoto. I made sure he didn’t go overboard with the…umm…housewarming present.” Rei smiles reassuringly as he hands over a cappuccino to Makoto, sprinkled with cinnamon sugar.

“Oh, that’s good.” Makoto smiles sweetly as Rin shares an exasperated glance with Haru, and Nagisa starts giggling.  

As Makoto blushes with confusion, Sousuke takes his boyfriend’s right hand in his own, and kisses it to general applause.

“Stop it Sou! The kids…” Makoto’s protests trail off into more blushing as Sousuke continues placing little kisses all over his hand and arm.

“Oh, we’re used to this kinda thing, Uncle Mako. Only dad usually ends up getting his face smooshed by dad when he tries anything.” Shinji sighs as he tries to reach for Rin’s coffee, and has his hand smacked away.

No one needs him to explain which dad tries to be flirty and which one does the face-smooshing, as Rin’s attempt at ruffling Haru’s hair is met with an angry grunt, and general laughter breaks out.

As the afternoon turns to evening, pizza is ordered and consumed. Nagisa and Ryu get into an argument about which of them is cuter (which Nagisa manages to win somehow). Night falls in the midst of happy conversation and board games (brought over by Rei) that no one takes seriously.

As the sun sets, Rin finds Sousuke’s private stash of vodka in a dark corner of the kitchen cabinet, and after carefully tucking his drowsy children into bed in the spare room, cracks open a bottle

They’re all drowsing warmly from the alcohol soon enough. Rin stretches himself out on the couch, his head in Haru’s lap, getting his hair gently caressed, the ponytail having come loose in Haru’s slim fingers. Though Haru hasn’t had a single drop, not being the biggest fan of stimulants, he drops his guard and takes comfort in the company of his friends.

Rei starts talking about his days before joining the swim team at Iwatobi and gets unnecessarily sentimental. He and Nagisa are curled up in one indistinguishable ball on the carpet, incoherently arguing about who loves who more.

And then there’s Makoto, still curled up in Sousuke’s lap, a little drunk, laughing quietly at the shared whispers between them.

Makoto, Haru’s best friend. Since they were toddlers, for as long as he can remember, until his children came along- Makoto was the person Haru would have easily died for before thinking twice about it.

The years that separated them- led them both to different lives, apart from each other- still make Haru feel nauseous with guilt. It’s true he found happiness with Rin, but that phase of his life left no room for Makoto in it. He was so caught up in experiencing the thrill of falling in love with his rival, with his youthful passion- unleashed to fulfillment after so much uncertainty. He forgot about the constantly-smiling boy who had always been by his side, didn’t think to ask why the smile faltered as the years passed, didn’t think he had a right to, really.

It wasn’t like they’d always be 18, and joined at the hip, never needing to talk to each other, still knowing exactly what the other meant.

It’s true they went to Tokyo together, full of dreams they shared somewhat hesitantly with each other. And at first, they'd talked on the phone every day, and met every weekend, and gone back to Iwatobi together whenever they had time.

But then their lives bifurcated, and neither of them knew what to do about the growing gap separating them. Though Makoto always seemed to know what Haru wanted, what he needed, the green-eyed boy had been something of a mystery to Haru. And the secrets he was wrapped in grew darker as the years passed, and the distance between them lengthened.

And then there was Rin. And all that traveling. The competitions, the frantic pace of his new life. And Makoto was always there, smiling in the stands, but it was never the same again.

And Haru would think back on his childhood, his adolescence, and remember little things- those hazy memories that had taken on a ghostly, fading color. Like old photographs of his grandfather taken before the war. And in certain nightmares clawing out at him from his past, the droplets of water falling down Makoto’s face from his wet hair turned to tears. And Haru would wake up drowning in cold sweat some nights, wandering outside onto the small balcony of the first tiny flat he and Rin bought together in Tokyo. The city would almost choke him with its heavy, humid air, deafen him with its eternally moving cars and trains.

Riddled with remorse for sins he had never committed, Haru would find himself thinking of another life. A life where the bed he would go back to was one he shared with Makoto.

 

And still, he is haunted by the false memories of a love that never was. Glimpses of a life that could have been, had things gone a little differently.

Sometimes Haru dreams of that other life, a little vaguely. He doesn’t really remember it. But he wakes up with the taste of something fruity and cold and blue in his mouth, and the soft meowing of a cat, and a warm hand caressing his bare skin.

And when he’s older, the dream will be with him still. He’ll taste it in a too-sweet peach in late autumn, the juice dribbling down his chin. An impossible sweetness. An impossible life.

Then he will hear voices calling to him through the shadows of the trees, darkening at dusk. Rin. And his children. The dream will fade with nightfall, though it will never leave him. A smile like a fading sun at the edges of his life, always lighting it up...

 

Haru lets a vodka-infused, sleepy Rin hold his hand and play with his fingers, smiling fondly at the red hair tracing waves across his lap.

This is a good life, now, in this present moment.

This is a life he can be proud of.

This is a life he can look back on and smile.

 

It’s almost midnight by the time Nagisa and Rei leave, calling a taxi because both of them are out of it, promising to visit again soon.

Makoto tries to stand up to say goodbye to them, but falls abruptly back into Sousuke’s lap, laughing a little too much.

Haru clucks his tongue at his sleeping husband, and his drunk best friend, and his even drunker boyfriend. He cleans up the kitchen, trying to ignore Rin’s snores, and the fact that Sousuke’s tongue is halfway down Makoto’s throat.

By the time Haru’s done, Rin has fallen from the couch onto the floor, where he and Sousuke are humming some old rock song together, giggling like a couple of teenagers. Makoto is nowhere to be seen.

After checking on the children- all fast asleep in a single heap, like bear cubs drowsing in the woods in one of the old folktales Shinji still loves to read on rainy days- Haru runs into Makoto coming out of the washroom, looking bleary-eyed and  still smiling.

But this is a different kind of smile than Haru has ever seen before.

Open and serene without any secrets behind it.

Looking at Makoto now, Haru feels his heart filling up with the kind of love he has only experienced with his children before now.

He takes Makoto’s face in both hands, pulling him down so they are eye to eye.

“Are you happy, Mako?”

Makoto doesn’t seem to find this surprising at all. He pulls Haru close to him in a warm hug, and whispers a happy “yes” against his shoulder.

“Do you meant it?”

“Yes Haru.”

“You’d better.”

“I do.”

“Because you have to tell me if anything’s wrong, okay?”

“Okay Haru.”

“Don’t hide from me, Mako.”

“I never have.”

“Liar.”

A soft laugh brushes against the skin of Haru’s neck.

“I love you, you big idiot.”

“I love you too, Haru.”

 

In the morning, Rin and Sousuke wake up with raging headaches, and aching backs from having slept on the floor all night.

After shaking his best friend awake, rather unsuccessfully, and brushing his teeth, Sousuke almost trips and falls on his face as he enters his bedroom to grab a change of clothes.

Makoto and Haru and sleeping together in bed, cuddled up like kittens, holding hands and smiling.

Of course Nanase would rob him of his bed on his first night living together with Makoto.

He has half a mind of throwing the water demon out of the apartment window, but finds himself smiling fondly at the serenity of the scene.

He tiptoes out of the room, unwilling to disturb their peace.

 

_Love is the play of moonlight on rain-slick leaves in late autumn. The year turns and it is warmed by the fireside in winter, blossoms with the sakura in late spring, greenly glowing in the summer heat, before returning to the sleeping earth in the fall. And it seeps into this little apartment with the sun- lighting up this particular morning for the half-awake, half-asleep people inside it- glowing ephemerally, eternally_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm MakoHaru and SouMako garbage and sometimes I can't break free of the MakoHaru. Sorry.  
> Also the coffeemaker Sousuke buys is a HARIO Coffee Syphon. It looks v.cool and I'm currently coveting it.


	30. Now I Can Hear the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One touch upon my lips  
> And all my thoughts are clear  
> I feel your smoky mist  
> Up to the stratosphere
> 
> Too low to find my way  
> Too high to wonder why  
> I've touched this place before  
> Somewhere in another time
> 
>  
> 
> -Lebanese Blonde, Thievery Corporation

Sousuke wakes up at around 6 am, habitually, his mind attuned to treating each morning’s birdsong as his personal alarm clock.

Makoto’s face is twitching on the pillow next to him, like a dreaming puppy’s. Sousuke’s smiles to himself as he stares intently at his lover, wondering what sort of visions are chasing each other behind Makoto’s closed eyelids. He wonders if he’s in one of them.

Makoto sleepily grumbles at the light of the rising sun, the noisy birds, and pulls the blanket over his head, curling up into the fetal position- like an adorably oversized ball of fluff and love.

Sousuke wonders if there ever will be a day they won’t be together, and his heart clenches at the unbidden, unwelcome thought.

He snuggles up closer to Makoto, wrapping his blanket-covered boyfriend in his arms, trying to banish negativity out of his mind.

The rational side of his mind knows that nothing ever lasts. At least nothing carries on in exactly the same way as time passes by. Things change, as do people. And sometimes, you drift apart without knowing why.

It isn’t his fault that he’s a bit of a pessimist, really. The kind of life Sousuke’s had would turn anyone bitter. But he won’t wallow in it anymore. He won’t shut down around Makoto like he did with everyone else; everyone who loved him. His parents, his sister, Rin. 

He won’t do this to Makoto. They’ll tell each other everything, everything. No secrets, no grudges.

_This has to work._

_Makoto has to stay with him forever._

For as long as he’s alive, he has to be next to Makoto like this. Just like this.

He cannot imagine any other life. Not anymore.

He has nothing else left but this now.

He never did have anything but this.

This twisting, turning love that’s finally brought him peace and happiness for the first time in years. He won’t give it up. He’ll never give Makoto up.

“Mmppph, Sou you’re squishing me.” Makoto’s muffled words sound out from underneath the blanket, and Sousuke relinquishes his prize, letting the brunet come up for air and a few choice insults for the noisy birds, addressing them as “those little shits don’t know when to shut the fuck up”.

 

For someone who is so polite all the time, Sousuke was amazed to learn that Makoto has quite a mouth on him when they’re alone. He thinks even Haru doesn’t know how much Makoto can swear when he gets annoyed at something. Or when he gets horny. Because Makoto is an expert at talking dirty. He even makes Sousuke blush with the kind of demands he makes during sex, the things he whispers in Sousuke’s ears when they’re wrapped up in each other.

 

“Sorry for waking you up this early. Go back to sleep, Makoto. I think I’ll go for a run.” Sousuke watches Makoto as he sits up in bed, still wrapped up in his blanket, childishly rubbing sleep out of his pretty green eyes.

“Mmmm. No I think I should get up too. I promised Haru I’d take the kids swimming today. I’ve been neglecting my duties because of you lately. You keep spoiling me and feeding me every weekend.” Makoto lifts up his t-shirt to show Sousuke his stomach, pulling at the taut skin around his navel as if trying to prove how contentedly overfed he is in Sousuke’s care.

He’s not as muscular as he used to be in high school. Neither of them is anymore. Still, they go running together sometimes, and Sousuke attends physical therapy sessions, and goes to the gym fairly regularly. It’s pretty much his only activity since he’s quit the force.

Sousuke lunges for Makoto’s exposed stomach, landing on top of the brunet, initiating a tickle attack that leaves Makoto gasping for breath, pinned underneath Sousuke’s body.

 

When they start kissing, Makoto realizes that once again, they’ll spend Sunday in Sousuke’s bed. He’ll lose himself in Sousuke’s kiss as he always does, and the rest of the world and his life outside this apartment, will blur and fade into the distance.

The rushing blood in his veins is a warning.

A warning that has been sounding in his mind far too often since he moved in with Sousuke.

His boyfriend is clingier than before. Sulkier than ever. And lazy as anything.

Not that Makoto doesn’t enjoy the extra cuddling and constant making out. But every single time Makoto tries to ask Sousuke about his job search, or about actually going out and doing something together that isn’t lifting weights at the gym, all he gets in response is a series of low grunts.

And if Makoto persists, Sousuke has the tendency to seal his words with a kiss, and they end up having rather aggressive sex on the couch or the floor or the bed or wherever they happen to be.

Makoto is starting to notice that instead of bringing them closer, physical intimacy has lately become something Sousuke uses to shut off communication between them.

So this morning, Makoto heeds the warning in his body before it travels down below his waist and knocks out his senses. He manages to wriggle out from underneath Sousuke, and sits up in bed, panting slightly, pulling his t-shirt down to cover himself up again.

“Wet blanket.” Sousuke rolls over on his back, looking up at Makoto with sad puppy eyes.

“I told the kids I’d go swimming with them today. And I would like you to come with us instead of sitting around all day playing video games. Please?”

“Hmmmmm. No, I don’t really feel like swimming, Mako. I’ll go do grocery or something while you’re out.”

“But I want you to come with me. It’ll give us a chance to put the non-perverted part of Nagisa’s present to good use.”

Instead of looking happy about it, Sousuke rolls over onto his stomach and grunts again.

Makoto sighs and edges closer to his boyfriend, softly running his fingers through the raven strands of tousled bed hair.

Nagisa’s pink and yellow box contained a number of surprises, most of which had made Sousuke smirk and Makoto blush. But the best part of it was the two black swimming jammers. One with contrasting green stripes on each side, and the other with a greyish pattern. Exactly like the ones Makoto and Sousuke used to wear when they were on their high school swim teams. Makoto was moved to nostalgic tears at the sight of them, but Sousuke had looked away and changed the subject when Makoto gushed on about how thoughtful Nagisa was.

It was then Makoto fully realized that in the few months they’d been together so far, Sousuke had never really mentioned swimming. Not in the way the rest of them talked about it. And while Makoto often made time to teach swimming to local children at Sasabe-san club, Sousuke never showed the least bit of interest in going with him. Or generally ever going swimming.

Even though they’re together now, it feels to Makoto like some vital part of Sousuke’s self is still closed off to him.

Makoto has let his insecurities, his affections, his anger, his tears all pour out into Sousuke. Has been pampered and loved whole-heartedly. But Sousuke will not let him return the favor.

It feels half-hearted.

It feels wrong.

 

Makoto kisses the top of Sousuke’s head, smiling at how familiar he is with Sousuke’s scent now.

“Come on, Sou. You know Ryu would love to have you there. And…If you do this with me today, I’ll…Well, I’ll let you use the other stuff Nagisa gave us…”

This gets Sousuke’s attention immediately, and he lifts his head up off his arms.

“Seriously? Like, you’ll put on _the thing_ for me?”

“Yes, Sou. I’ll put on _the_ … _the thing_.” Makoto blushes furiously, avoiding Sousuke’s eyes.

 

And hour later, they’re both at the pool with Shinji, Midori and Ryu, who are very happy to have Sousuke with them. They’ve heard stories about Uncle Sou’s swimming days from Rin, but they’ve also been strictly told by Haru not to ask him about his past. Having their favorite Uncle Mako and their mysterious Uncle Sou with them is a little too exciting for the Matsuorka-Nanase siblings. Even Shinji is noisy, cheeks flushed and hair a mess, as he hangs on to Makoto's hand, stealing anxious glances at Sousuke. 

In the changing rooms, Makoto and Sousuke take turns to put on their jammers, helping the kids with their stuff.

Makoto giggles happily seeing Sousuke in the same low-rise black jammers- with silvery grey sharkfin-esque patterns running down their length, one on each side- which first made Makoto gape at his current boyfriend's bulge in high school.

Sousuke notices Makoto’s eyes lingering on his exposed hipbones and his crotch, and blushes sulkily while helping Ryu stow away his little backpack in the locker.

Midori is already an expert swimmer, having inherited the Matsuroka family’s aggressive stubbornness and Haru’s natural affinity to water. Shinji swims half-heartedly, having already decided that he doesn’t care much for it. Ryu is still learning, little by little, and has to be held up in the shallow end, flapping his tiny arms around like a baby bunny wearing blue swimming wings.

He ferociously, and rather pointlessly, beats at the water splashing it everywhere, while Makoto holds on to him for dear life.

 

Sousuke sits at the edge of the pool, watching them play around, feeling the lukewarm chlorinated water sloshing between his toes, looking like he’s regretting the decision to come along.

Leaving Shinji to handle Ryu, Makoto swims over to Sousuke, and looks up him with a certain smile he uses sometimes, when he really wants to get his way.

Sousuke avoids looking at Makoto for as long as he can before sighing dejectedly, meeting the green eyes sparkling up at him, and letting himself be pulled into the pool.

Soon Sousuke’s got Ryu sitting on his shoulders, waving his arms around like a small mermish deity, asking to be taken to the deep end. And after a while, Sousuke’s laughing with Midori as she beats Makoto in an impromptu race, and trying to get Shinji to give the butterfly stroke a shot.

Sousuke loses track of time, swimming around leisurely, just enjoying the company around him, letting the water caress him, catching sight of Makoto’s contended grin through the corner of his eye.

Through the water clouding his goggles, Sousuke's eyes slide over Makoto’s body in the water, enjoying the sight of it properly. Makoto is definitely not as muscular as he used to be in high school, but he still looks delectably good. He remembers seeing Makoto this way in the Samezuka pool and wondering who he was. Remembers being a teenager and jerking off to the image of Makoto writhing around in those jammers, fantasizing about messing them up. He remembers when it all stopped. When he started hating himself instead. And Makoto.

He doesn’t want to tempt whatever gods are watching over him by asserting his claim to happiness too soon. He is afraid of tasting its fullness.

A new kind of joy in a new kind of life with the man he has finally allowed himself to be in love with. It's all a little too good to be true, isn't it?

He hasn’t felt like this in the water in years. It feels like he’s a child again, going to the seaside with his family, following his mother into the waves, holding her hand, letting her teach him how to wade into the calming wildness of the ocean.

He remembers how it was before he pushed himself too hard, before he ruined everything. He remembers loving the water. He remembers falling in love with Makoto for the first time.

He remembers how good it all felt before he ripped it apart with his cursed hands.

He remembers not hating himself all the time.

 

On the way home, Makoto reaches out for Sousuke’s still-wet hair, pushing it away from his forehead while he drives. Midori and Ryu are asleep in the backseat, having tired themselves out at the pool, all promises of getting ice cream on the way back forgotten. Shinji is staring out at the ocean, thinking about who knows what.

Stopping at a small cafe overlooking the vast blueness of the ocean, Makoto gently wakes up Midori and Ryu. For once, Ryu lets Makoto carry him instead of Sousuke, sleepily clinging on to his godfather's t-shirt, drooling on it a little.

Midori heads forward by herself, asking for a table for 5 in her most authoritative voice, seeming a little offended at the fond, clasped-hands smile the waiter gives her  before taking them inside. 

To Sousuke's surprise, Shinji tentatively grabs his hand, and leads him ahead. 

"You did good today, Uncle Sou." The little boy says the words in a hushed voice, sitting himself down next to Sousuke, making sure no one else can hear him.

But Makoto catches the quiet words, and glances over at Sousuke from across the table, smiling at him again. Eyes curiously open, lips softly curving upwards. It's probably the prettiest sight Sousuke has ever seen. 

 

Dropping the kids off, they go back home to freshly-brewed tea and an evening spent reading indoors. The quietness inside their small apartment brims over with some unknown feeling, and Sousuke thinks he will die from the weight of it, and not have any regrets.

 

At night there’s a storm.

Makoto wakes up with a jolt, panting a little fearfully, his pale face lit up by the lightning flashing outside the window.

A torrent of sudden rain pours in through the open window, and white curtains dance madly in the gusting wind. Sousuke rushes over to close it, and holds Makoto in his arms after returning to bed. 

Through the crashing thunder, they can hear the distant ocean raging against the furious sky.

Huddled up in bed with Makoto, Sousuke lets his boyfriend kiss him all over, and take him in inside his mouth.

“I want you inside me, Sou.”

Makoto’s mouth is warm when he kisses Sousuke, and once Sousuke enters him, Makoto's body wraps itself around his hardness.

He hovers over Makoto, arms balanced on either side of him. They sigh out each other’s names as Sousuke moves on top of Makoto, teal eyes locked with green.

Makoto’s hands reach for his face, caressing his slightly stubbly cheeks, holding his gaze.

The rain patters against the window, and the dark clouds pass overhead, giving way to a rose-colored dawn.

Morning finds them asleep in each other’s arms, Sousuke still inside Makoto.

 

_Untethered and out at sea, a distant horizon looms ahead, promising a new shore. Not lost at all anymore, with your eyes guiding me, your hand holding mine, and my heart in your keeping._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. My writing process has been a little fucked up lately, but I'm not ready to give up just yet.


	31. Never Run Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets I have held in my heart  
> Are harder to hide than I thought  
> Maybe I just wanna be yours  
> I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours
> 
> I Wanna Be Yours- Arctic Monkeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little chapter to stir things up a bit.  
> Excuse any editing mistakes as I haven't slept all night.

Most nights, the two of them fall asleep right after having sex. Makoto tries making a rule about not getting messy after bath time, but Sousuke keeps breaking it.

It usually starts with “ _Mmmmm Makoto you smell so good_ ” and ends with Sousuke sweating and panting on top of Makoto.

The way they make love has changed with time. At first, it was forceful and frantic, a hurried attempt to mark their respective territories. Then it took an exploratory turn, with a lot of foreplay and teasing. Now, their lovemaking feels as natural as breathing. And just as necessary.

The deeper their bond becomes, the more thorough Sousuke’s kisses and caresses. His movements are lingering and gentle, though still forceful in a way. But it no longer feels to Makoto that Sousuke is asserting some sort of claim over him. 

In the beginning, Sousuke often got aggressive with teasing Makoto, insistent on having his way. And Makoto enjoyed the roughness of it all because he loved the taste of desperate desire in every single one of Sousuke’s frantic kisses. The bitter history they shared still cast a shadow over them both in the early days of their relationship. To know that Sousuke was so hungry for him, so anxious about holding on to him- it made Makoto feel satisfied. It felt a little like victory, like compensation for the pain Sousuke has caused him in the past.

But it isn’t like that anymore.

Now they spend a lot more time just enjoying each other’s company. Makoto loves kissing Sousuke and on most evenings, the two of them linger on the huge leather couch in the living room, making out in various stages of undress. He also loves to suck Sousuke’s cock. The taste of Sousuke’s cum is like a favorite snack to him, and he loves to hear Sousuke moaning and gasping for breath, calling out for Makoto as if he’s drowning in the love they share, cumming into Makoto’s mouth, on Makoto’s face, wherever he pleases.

Sometimes they don’t even reach the bed before succumbing to their desires. And though his grip on Makoto’s hips is strong as ever, and the way he growls Makoto’s name during sex just as possessive, Sousuke is improbably gentle as he enters Makoto now. He takes his sweet time with every thrust, savoring the intimacy between them, biting and sucking on Makoto’s skin, until both of them are thoroughly spent.

Time is slipping past them innocuously, changing their lives unalterably. Makoto often finds himself thinking of the years to come, and it makes him smile now. Dreamlike images drift through his mind. There is a small house, with an unruly garden overrun with flowers. There is the comforting sound of Sousuke cooking in a pretty little kitchen they’ve set up together. With pretty little cups of pastel-colored bone china (all green and teal and gold), and herbs growing in ceramic pots on the windowsill with the sun shining brightly through. There is a cat on a fluffy sofa in front of the fireplace, and a dog barking excitedly in the backyard. And there is a small child, rolling around on the carpet in the living room, sorting through a pile of blocks, laughing up at Makoto. The child has Sousuke’s eyes, and closes them when it smiles- just like Makoto.

 

He thinks of all these impossibly happy things and he smiles at the way life has made the possibility of them _possible_.

 

He smiles and runs his fingers through Sousuke’s hair. It’s rare for him to wake up before his lover, and he cherishes the mornings on which he can linger in bed, with Sousuke sleeping soundly on his chest.

Makoto used to sleep in a t-shirt but now he just sleeps topless. And bottomless too. This is because Sousuke has a habit of using Makoto as his pillow. He also perfers to sleep against Makoto’s bare skin. Tired of waking up with his shirt uncomfortably pushed up under his armpits, and an erection poking against his boxers, Makoto eventually just stopped wearing clothes to bed.

Also, there are a few mornings when Makoto wakes up with traces of drool all over his stomach, and a small puddle in his navel. Which means Sousuke’s had an especially good night’s sleep. When it comes to Makoto, Sousuke has no sense of personal space. And Makoto loves that cuddly, needy, clingy side of Sousuke.

 

This morning however, Makoto isn’t entirely topless. He is wearing a see-through baby doll negligee in pale green. The straps are decorated with pastel pink silk flowers. And the front it open, barely held together with pink ribbon, also in silk.

Makoto smirks a little to himself, remembering the first time he wore this outfit for Sousuke. The naughty little lingerie set had been part of Nagisa’s moving-in together present for the two of them. After making Sousuke go swimming with him and the kids, Makoto was made to keep his end of the bargain, and spent an entire night blushing in Sousuke’s arms, wearing pretty green and pink underwear. Of course, there had also been a little thong to go with the negligee, similarly decorated with its fair share of ribbons and flowers, but it was too small for Makoto. On the first night, it remained tangled around his thighs as Sousuke fucked him over and over again, finally ripping it apart, leaving it soaked in cum.

Sousuke claimed to have thrown it away afterwards, but Makoto is sure the thong is hidden somewhere in their bedroom.

 

The initial embarrassment had worn off after spending an entire night (and half a day) wearing the negligee. It was pretty and fluttery and Makoto rather liked the feel and look of it. Not to mention it never failed to turn Sousuke on.

So now Makoto made a habit of sleeping in it every few nights. Especially when he wanted to egg Sousuke on, act like a tease, and get Sousuke to treat him a little roughly.

 

Makoto would like nothing more than to stay in bed like this for hours, but it is a weekday, and he has to work.

He doesn’t want to wake Sousuke up, so he rises gently, and gets ready quietly.

Though Makoto has had a minor breakthrough in terms of getting Sousuke to swim again, the overall situation for his jobless lover has not improved. Sousuke keeps sleeping in a lot, and goes running less often. Which is getting worrisome.

Thinking of calling Rin for advice later, Makoto kisses a sleeping Sousuke’s forehead quickly before rushing off to the library. He grabs a coffee and donut on his way to work, his stomach grumbling unpleasantly at the memory of the elaborate breakfast Sousuke normally cooks for them to share.

 

It’s a slow day at the library, with Momo manning the front desk and Makoto organizing shelves and lazily going through the inventory to take out old books for selling. The library usually holds book sales twice a year to get rid of old books, and raise money for new ones. It’s better than throwing them away for recycling. Though in all honesty, Makoto takes the unwanted volumes home with him, unable to bear the thought of no one ever reading them again.

It’s a dying art, being a traditional librarian, and it makes Makoto sad to see books gathering dust on old shelves, neglected and unread. He sighs and takes an old edition of folk tales off the shelf, coming apart at the binding, and places it carefully in the trolley with a few other dishevelled looking volumes. He wonders if Haru will want some of them- especially the ones with traditional illustrations- and makes a mental note to leave them aside for his best friend.

When he comes back to the front to see if Momo wants to go to the corner café and pick up lunch for them both, he sees Sousuke leaning across the counter, chattering with his overexcited colleague.

There is a carefully wrapped stack of bento boxes on the front desk, which explains the reason for this impromptu visit.

Sousuke kisses Makoto rather shamelessly in front of an agitated Momo, who averts his eyes but doesn’t really want to look away. It’s a beautiful scene, to see Sousuke take Makoto tenderly in his arms, grip his waist tightly, and place a slow and melting kiss on his mouth. To listen to Makoto draw back just a little, laughing, before being taken back in. It’s not even really voyeuristic, to witness their mutual affection. Watching them together like this is like watching a particularly beautiful sunset.

 

Sousuke refuses to join in their little lunch, claiming to have eaten before he left the house. He sits beside Makoto, watching him eat with a small smile playing on his thin lips.

After Makoto and Momo have finished every morsel of Sousuke’s delicious beef curry and steamed rice, he wraps up the bento boxes again, and prepares to leave.

“Ah, by the way, we’re going to have a guest for dinner tonight.” Sousuke looks a little flushed as he kisses his lover goodbye.

“Anyone I know?” Makoto’s curiosity is certainly tweaked, as Sousuke rarely socializes with anyone outside their circle of mostly mutual friends.

“Errr. Yeah. You do, actually. He called this morning after you left. Bit of a surprise, really.” Sousuke smiles with a hint of misplaced nostalgia, and Makoto tugs at the sleeve of his hoodie, silently demanding to know the identity of their mysterious guest.

“It’s, well… It’s Kisumi. He’s going to be in town, and he’s afraid of Haruka. Understandably. So he wants to stay with us for a couple of days. I couldn’t say no. I mean, we’ve both known him for so long.” Sousuke grins at Makoto sheepishly.

In all honesty, Sousuke is rather fond of Kisumi. Not to mention Kisumi has mentioned something about visiting Iwatobi specifically to see Sousuke.

Sousuke knows Kisumi is an up and coming entrepreneur, always busy with one or two new business ventures. He even asked Sousuke to work with him in Tokyo after they graduated from university. But things were too confusing back then, and Sousuke had to refuse.

He wonders now if Kisumi has another prospective job offer for him. Without telling Makoto, Sousuke has applied for a few basic salary jobs in town, and is waiting to hear from prospective employers. But it weighs heavily on his soul- the thought of a 9 to 5 job with mundane tasks to perform every day, wasting his mind and weakening his body.

He breaks out of his reverie to see Makoto blushing and avoiding his eyes, while Momo tries to pretend to be anywhere but in his current location.

“What? I thought you’d be pleased to see Kisumi?” Sousuke looks utterly confused at Makoto’s reaction.

“I-I am. I mean, it’s been years since I saw him. I don’t even remember how many…” Makoto rubs the back of his neck nervously, trying to count in his head.

“Seven.” Momo helpfully supplies from behind the front desk, and suddenly regrets his decision to speak out.

Sousuke is completely baffled now. Why won’t Makoto look at him? How does Momo know the exact number of years since Makoto and Kisumi have seen each other? There seems to be something he’s missing. Something really obvious. Something that should make sense to him right away…

“Ummm, Sousuke-san? Does Kisumi know you’re with Makoto now?” Momo inquires reluctantly, raising his hand as he talks, as if he’s a middle school brat asking his sensei a particularly risky question.

“I don’t think so. It didn’t come up, really. Does it matter?” Something is vaguely starting to take shape in the back of Sousuke’s mind, but isn’t quite comprehensible yet. Sousuke feels an involuntary shiver travel down the column of his spine.

“Well…You know how we um…How you didn’t want to talk about my _history_?” Makoto finally looks at him, biting his lower lip nervously.

“Yeah?” In Sousuke’s mind, an alarming little display finally visualizes. And he doesn’t like the look of it. Not one bit.

“Well. It was so long ago, you know. I, ummm…Kisumi and I, we…Sousuke, I dated him for a bit. It wasn’t even dating. We just, you know…I’m sorry I didn’t mention it before. He’s your friend too, and I thought…” Makoto’s cheeks have gone tomato red, his brows knit with anxiety, his lower lip ready to bleed from being worried too much.

“Oh. I see.” Sousuke’s arms fall limply to his side. In his mind’s eye, he sees a pink-haired demon with its tongue sticking out thrusting on top of a naked, moaning Makoto. He suddenly feels nauseous.

“Sousuke…I’m sorry.” Makoto sidles up to him, and takes Sousuke’s face in his hands.

“No. Don’t be sorry. It’s…It’s my fault. I was the one who wanted to bury the past. I was the one who wanted to pretend that… Don’t worry yourself. It’ll be okay.” Feeling Makoto’s fingertips warm against his skin makes it easier to breathe normally again.

Sousuke smiles and places a farewell kiss on Makoto’s forehead, quietly stroking his cheek. A quiet gesture assuring Makoto that all is well between them.

Makoto relaxes visibly and smiles at him prettily.

“Just maybe, it’ll be a good idea to let Kisumi know what he’s walking into?” Makoto suggests to Sousuke, walking him to the exit.

“Yeah. I’ll do that, I guess.” Sousuke pulls Makoto closer before he walks off, and kisses him roughly on the mouth.

They both know what it means.

_You’re mine, Makoto._

Makoto tilts his head to the side, and smiles again.

_Yes I am, Sousuke. I’m all yours._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a separate chapter documenting the night of naughtiness.  
> Also, I can't help making Makoto have liaisons with Kisumi in most of my fics, because it's such an enticing prospect.


	32. Run to the End of the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moonlight that shines on us is always the same  
> I’m still lost in your orbit  
> I can do this all night long baby  
> Because wherever I am, me without you is just half
> 
> Love Me Right- EXO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, an update.  
> *Bows to the sound of chirping crickets*
> 
> This chapter refers to an incident mentioned in Chapter 4.

  
  


“When exactly did this happen then?” Kisumi sits on the couch across from Sousuke and Makoto, pointing from one to the other, sipping at his cup of pre-dinner matcha.

“About a year ago now, right?” Makoto smiles at Sousuke, who nods in agreement, his right arm proudly securing Makoto’s waist.

“You don’t have to rub it in you know, Sousuke. I get it. Makoto is all yours now.” Kisumi smirks at the way Makoto is squirming slightly to escape Sousuke’s iron grip. And failing.

“Hmmmph.” Sousuke merely turns up his nose in frustration, making Kisumi and Makoto laugh out loud.

“I’ll go set the table now, shall I?” Makoto finally manages to free himself from his lover, and rises with a smile, feeling slightly relieved.

Sousuke has prepared a rather elaborate dinner, and Makoto busies himself with taking out plates and bowls and chopsticks, arranging the table for the three of them.

 

Not that it isn’t pleasant to see Kisumi after all this time, but Makoto cannot get the last time they were together out of his head.

From the very beginning of their relationship, they both agreed it would be nothing more than a physical indulgence. When it ended, and Kisumi left town to start his first business venture, there were no hard feelings between them.

To celebrate his independence, and send him off in style, Makoto remembers how they booked a hotel room, and the two of them spent the night together, doing various things which would probably make Sousuke’s blood boil now if he found out about them.

 

Sousuke’s jealous streak is something Makoto doesn’t dislike.Because the roughness with which he handles Makoto in bed sometimes, feels too good, too overwhelmingly pleasurable. But it isn’t something Makoto wants to deal with on a regular basis either. Especially when it means Sousuke getting sulky and overly possessive.

But he knows that isn’t fair to Sousuke. Makoto doesn’t want to “change” his lover- he loves everything about Sousuke. Even his brooding phases when he goes all quiet and won’t say anything, and gets extra needy, clinging to Makoto despite not being willing to talk.

He wonders what kind of reaction this visit from Kisumi will elicit from Sousuke, given the fact that he is already in a rut. Makoto feels like he doesn’t really have the energy to deal with another one of Sousuke’s “silent and secretively brooding” phases just yet. Not when he’s been trying so hard to get Sousuke to break out of his shell a little, to take up swimming again, to start thinking about getting a new job.

Makoto doesn’t want to think about Sousuke going back to being miserable again, and punishing himself for stupid things that are not his fault. But Sousuke has a weird sense of respsonsibility, too eager to blame himself for imaginary mistakes, paying penance in his own way, not sharing anything with Makoto.

In all honesty, Makoto is afraid of the sliver of unbridgeable distance separating them still. Something between him and Sousuke has not quite clicked together yet, and it gnaws at Makoto’s heart constantly.

 

Over dinner, they catch up with Kisumi, sharing news of their friends, reminiscing about the old days, carefully skirting around the few months Kisumi and Makoto were together.

General awkwardness stalls conversation, and none of them can really meet the other’s gaze. 

Sousuke looks a little grumpy, withdrawing into himself silently- a thing he does when he cannot give free reign to his emotions.

Makoto knows the signs of an approaching tantrum, and snuggles up closer to his lover. He knows that physical proximity is one thing that relaxes Sousuke. More than having long conversations about how he feels, Sousuke finds comfort in being held, being cuddled, and getting unexpected kisses from Makoto. He reminds Makoto of a surly child too proud to ask for affection, but craving it constantly.

 

Sousuke responds to Makoto’s nearness by reaching an arm around Makoto’s waist again, and pulling him closer.

Kisumi notices the little shift in their bodies and cannot help but smile.

“So this is pretty serious now, huh?” He leans forward, chin resting on one hand, smirking a little.

“You got a problem with that?” Sousuke cocks an eyebrow, tightening his grip on Makoto.

“How do you put up with this, Makoto? Ugh all this possessive jealousy. Tone it down Sousuke, we get it, you’re so manly and testosterone-y.” Kisumi waves his hands above his head, gesturing exaggeratedly.

“He’s not as bad as he used to be, Kisumi. Be nice to my boyfriend.” Makoto laughs, squeezing Sousuke’s hand in his at the same time.

“That’s because I have you now.” Sousuke suddenly turns pink, and kisses Makoto quickly on his cheek.

Kisumi laughs and Makoto hides his face against Sousuke’s shoulder.

 

The atmosphere becomes significantly relaxed as the evening continues.

A little too relaxed, Makoto thinks, as he listens to Sousuke and Kisumi comparing notes on what they consider to be Makoto’s little quirks- a tendency to eat hot chocolate powder right out of the tin, pretending to know stray cats from before and trying to invite them over when he thinks no one is listening, and how a certain spot on his lower back can send him over the edge during sex…

Before Sousuke can proudly offer to show proof to Kisumi that Makoto’s nipples have grown at least twice in size since they started dating, the doorbell rings, and Makoto frees himself from Sousuke’s arms, pulls his shirt back down to cover his half-exposed torso, and goes to answer the door.

Haru and Rin join them, having decided to take a night off.  Their children are over at Rin’s mother for a sleepover.

 

Haru joins Sousuke in the kitchen to help him throw together a quick dinner, prepared from lunch leftovers. The two men work quietly and strangely in tandem with each other, getting everything together.

Rin and Makoto smile lovingly at their partners (Rin even takes a few pictures on his cell phone), while Kisumi pretends to throw up at this cheesy display of friendship and love.

 

They continue reminiscing after dinner, sharing stories from their childhood, laughing and sighing with a collective nostalgia.

Makoto cuddles up to Haru on the couch, and Kisumi joins them, trying to force his way between the two best friends, before being smacked on the head by Haru. He gives up, and settles for sitting on Makoto’s other side, cuddling him shamelessly.

Rin and Sousuke sit on the floor, laughing over some half-remembered episode from their days in elementary school.

 

Rin and Haru, Sousuke and Makoto, are so used to their domesticity that they start getting sleepy, tangled up in pairs, as the evening darkens.

Kisumi observes the happy couples with a slight tilt to his smile, and shakes off the sudden creeping feeling of loneliness that claws at his chest.

Their positions shift as time passes, and the couples naturally gravitate towards each other, leaving Kisumi sitting by himself on the carpet, remembering his last boyfriend, thinking how stupid it was to break up with him.

Makoto catches his eye, and reaches out a hand to him almost instinctively, as if he senses Kisumi’s brief moment of isolation.

Sousuke is resting his head on Makoto’s lap, trying not to doze off. Kisumi jumps up onto the couch where the two of them are huddled together, and throws his arms around Makoto’s neck.

“How about we do something fun tonight instead of sitting around like a bunch of grandpas?” Kisumi rubs his cheek against Makoto’s, makin him giggle.

“Like what? Swim in the ocean?” Haru get too excited by his own suggestion.

“No you mermaid in disguise, not swimming. I was thinking more like a night of drinking. Or dancing. Maybe both?” Kisumi flashes a perfect smile at his audience, trying to look as convincing as possible.

“Hmmmm. Can’t remember the last time we did that, can you Haru?” Rin hugs his husband closer from behind, resting his chin on Haru’s shoulder.

“That might be a nice change of pace. I don’t think Sousuke and I have ever been dancing together.” Makoto runs his fingers carelessly through Sousuke’s hair, not noticing how still his boyfriend has gotten at the mention of dancing.

 

Before Makoto can see his discomfort at the mention of clubs and dancing, Sousuke quickly puts on a smile, and votes with Makoto, Rin, and Kisumi to go out for the night.

Haru, outvoted, sulks on a chair, while Rin coaxes him with whispers and hidden caresses to go along with the rest.

 

In their bedroom, Makoto puts on a tight-fitting white v-neck tee, with black skinny jeans, and a light denim button down. Around his neck is a thin silver chain with a small orca charm on it, with a single emerald for an eye. A present from Sousuke.

Sousuke watches intently as Makoto stands in front of the mirror in their bedroom, dabbing cologne on his neck, carefully touseling up his hair.

Sousuke has done nothing more than throw on his leather jacket on top of a dark blue tanktop, and pull on a pair of ripped jeans. He clasps his fists nervously together, trying not to think back on that night in Tokyo, now so many years behind them that it feels like a lifetime away.

He still has trouble getting that image of Makoto out of his head- broken, drunk, his green eyes blurred with tears, silently begging Sousuke for something that he simply could not give Makoto- at least not back then.

Sousuke remembers being unable to sleep all night, hating himself, hating Makoto.

Those unwanted feelings and images come back from the past, distorted and ugly, until Sousuke thinks he will throw up.

 

Before he knows what he’s doing, Makoto is in his arms, their lips locked in a deep kiss, breathing heavily into each other’s mouths.

“What was that for?” Makoto’s eyes look glazed as he breaks away. He wears the same kind of sultry look he has sometimes, sitting at Sousuke’s feet, wearing nothing at all, licking his lips, ready to take Sousuke in his mouth…

Sousuke shakes off the electric surge of desire running rampant in his bloodstream. Instead, he caressed Makoto’s face with his fingers, and holds him closer.

“For loving me. And being my boyfriend. And agreeing to live with me. For everything.” Sousuke punctuates every sentence with a kiss.

Makoto’s heart flutters in chest, and he immediately regrets agreeing to go out with the rest of their friends. He would like nothing more than staying right at home tonight, in their bed, wrapped up in Sousuke.

 

But when he looks up into Sousuke’s eyes, he can see something flickering in their depths- some unspoken uncertainty, some deep-seated anxiety that Sousuke isn’t willing to disclose.

Makoto takes Sousuke’s face in both hands, gazing at him closely, trying to solve the puzzle of the crease between his lover’s eyebrows.

The answer is so simple that Makoto almost laughs when he remembers it. He kisses Sousuke’s forehead and tugs on his sleeve, leading him outside their bedroom.

 

Haru is sitting in Rin’s lap, staring down Kisumi, who is laughing on the floor.

Between peals of Kisumi’s laughter and Haru’s feline hissing, Rin explains that Kisumi made the mistake of ruffling Haru’s hair and telling him he looked cute while they waited for Sousuke and Makoto to get ready.

The mood is now much lighter, and Rin offers to drive them to a little nightclub Nagisa has told him about.

Makoto sits in the back between Sousuke and Kisumi, holding his lover’s hand tightly while gossiping with his friend. Rin is still trying to calm Haru down, talking about a weekend down by the ocean, skinny dipping at night- just the two of them.

 

Before they walk into the underground, cavernous space of the nightclub, Makoto leans close to Sousuke and whispers something in his ear.

Sousuke looks a little startled, but then his face relaxes into a smile and he eagerly follows his boyfriend inside.

 

Kisumi and Sousuke order beers at the bar, while Makoto and Haru settle for their favorite cocktails. Rin looks longingly at them all, cursing his decision to be the designated driver for the night. Then he reminds himself how utterly horny Haru gets when drunk, and congratulates himself on having the sense to pack his beloved children off for the night. Now he can hear Haru moaning as loudly as he pleases, without worrying about anything.

Before Sousuke can make a move on his lover, Kisumi drags Makoto away for a dance. They spin around on the dance floor like a couple of school boys, giggling uncontrollably.

Then Kisumi spots a slightly older gentleman- nice suit, rugged build, and heavy-lidded eyes fixed on both Kisumi and Makoto’s asses.

Kisumi lets go of Makoto’s hand, gestures for Sousuke to take over, and starts maneauvering his way towards his target. Makoto is already in a daze, only after a couple of drinks. He leans heavily against Sousuke, and throws his arms around his lover’s neck.

Sousuke’s leather jacket and his own denim button down are back in Rin’s car. Even in a t-shirt and tanktop, their bodies glisten with sweat in the sweltering heat of the overcrowded nightclub.

The bass-driven music thumps and shudders, reduced to a primal rythmn, urging their bodies closer together.

Sousuke’s hands slide down to Makoto’s hips, feeling the undulating motions of his lover’s lithe body against his own. For someone as tall and muscular as Makoto, Sousuke is always surprised by how small his waist feels, how graceful he is.  

 

Makoto’s white t-shirt is soaked in both their sweat, and Sousuke can make out his nipples- two swollen pink nubs poking from underneath the see-through white fabric, rubbing against up Sousuke.

Sousuke’s hands travel further down Makoto’s body, cupping his perfectly rounded ass. Lifting up Makoto’s t-shirt with one hand, Sousuke runs his finger lightly along the small of his back, making Makoto shiver and sigh.

In the distracted glow of flashing lights cascading all around them, it looks as if Makoto’s skin is made up of millions of tiny, silvery, shining stars.

The friction between them is turning Sousuke’s head. The way Makoto’s crotch is slowly grinding against his own threatens to drive him over the edge at any moment. It won’t be enough to just fuck Makoto. Sousuke wants to fuse with his lover, share Makoto’s body, his heart, his soul.

Everything, every part of Makoto’s body.

Joined together with Sousuke forever.

 

Overwhelmed by the love he feels, Sousuke leans in to kiss Makoto and the world stops spinning.

It’s just the two of them now, at the nucleus of a new universe, infinite in its possibilities, whispering promises of an eternity, luring them in deeper and deeper.

 

Neither of them can recall how they end up outside, in a dark alley by the nightclub, Makoto pushed up against the wall, Sousuke’s knee moving rhythmically between his thighs.

Sousuke pushes up Makoto’s t-shirt, slowly caressing his taut stomach, making him dizzy with desire. Slinking his hands upwards to play with Makoto’s chest, Sousuke bites lightly on his lover’s earlobe- filthy, lecherous words snake off his tongue, and slither into Makoto’s ears, pouring the poison of desire into him.

Sousuke pushes his chest up against Makoto’s, his own small, hard nipples, still covered by his tanktop, sliding over Makoto’s exposed puffy, pinkish protrusions. Makoto bites his lower lip, trying to hold back his voice.

 

And Sousuke would have fucked Makoto right there, but something continues to nag at the back of his mind. Flustered, still brimful of lust, he stops short.

He doesn’t ever want to repeat the mistakes of his past.

He doesn’t ever want to risk losing Makoto.

 

The passion between them simmers down to something sweeter, more intimate.

 

“Sou, it’s okay you know. We’re together now. Leave the past where it belongs.” Makoto puts his arms around Sousuke’s waist, rubbing his back comfortingly.

“It’s just…I never wanted to hurt you Makoto. I never…” There are tears in Sousuke’s teal eyes as he leans defeatedly against Makoto, burying his face in the crook of Makoto’s neck.

“Let’s go home now, okay?” Makoto fixes up his appearance, and smoothes Sousuke’s dishevelled hair before leading him back inside to look for their friends.

 

On the way home, Sousuke sits in front with Rin, while Makoto holds a rather drunken Haru close to him, making sure he doesn’t throw up.

Kisumi had apparently slipped off earlier with his silver fox, telling Rin to leave without him.

Sousuke falls asleep on the way back, and Haru throws up all over Makoto.

Rin and Makoto share a knowing smile as they drag their best friends out of the car, realizing that they aren’t as young as they used to be.

 

Rin decides it’s better to stay over at Makoto’s, since Kisumi will not be using the guest bed tonight. He takes Haru inside, undresses him, and cleans him up.

Looking beautifully vulnerable in nudity, Haru sleepily reaches out his arms for Rin. Holding his husband close, listening to the sound of his even breathing, Rin’s heart feels fuller than he can bear it. He wraps his arms around Haru, and falls asleep.

 

After helping the half-asleep and mostly drunk Sousuke undress, and tucking him in, Makoto runs a bath, discards his puke-covered clothes and lowers his body into the hot water.

He thinks he’s forgotten all about the way things used to be between him and Sousuke before the acknowledged their feelings for each other, but that isn’t true at all.

Sometimes the past creeps up on him, and cuts into his heart before he can stop its onslaught.

There is a reason the two of them have avoided going out together much, because their memories constantly threaten to lay siege to their present existence.

But Makoto isn’t going to let this continue.

He refuses to let the mistakes of their past blight the happiness they share now.

He feels like he’s fought and won a battle of sorts tonight.

For Sousuke’s sake, and his own.

Little by little, one memory at a time, Makoto will reclaim their lives.

 

Makoto almost falls asleep in the bath.

When he stumbles out, still naked, his skin hotly damp, he finds Sousuke awake again, sitting up in their bed, waiting for him.

Tired and headachey, Makoto immediately collapses on top of Sousuke’s chest.

Sousuke kisses the top of Makoto’s head, and pulls him in a tight embrace before covering their bodies with a light coverlet, and turning off the bedside lamp.

Without another word, they drift off into a deep sleep, falling into darkness at the same moment, their heartbeats curiously aligned.

 

_Like a ship sailing the moonlit sea, always mindful of its silvery reflection in the dark of night, our dreams, our lives, grow into each other, until I cannot tell myself apart from you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I imagined Sousuke and Makoto dancing to EXO's Love Me Right, which is a very fitting song for this chapter imo.  
> I took the translation of the song from the interwebs, so forgive any errors.   
> Also props to anyone who picked up on the Steven Universe reference.  
> I have a lot planned for this, and I as I've mentioned before, I am writing this fic because of my love for SouMako and I will continue writing it for a long time to come. If you want me to update more regularly, let me hear your thoughts, and I'll do what I can. 
> 
> (P.S. If you want to steal more of my ideas, feel free to knock yourself out. No need to credit me or anything. You know who you are.)


End file.
